Popcorn Fields

Can thoughts be called random if they spring to consciousness because of recent events? Popcorn fields ask why.

They ask why I draw circles on someone else's hands when our fingers intertwine.
They ask why I always end up being second best.
They ask why I keep wanting something I could could never have.
They ask why I keep hoping.
They ask why I fall.

Friend, thank you for shedding a tear for me. The accomplice that you are, I find comfort in your sympathy and understanding. That you know how it feels to keep on wishing for something that can never be. That indeed, the pool we dived into may be but an ephemeral fantasy... swimming in it, only to rise to reality.

And the serendipity of that song playing on that exact morning still teases me, as if to re-affirm that everything does happen for a reason and that I am where I should be.

Waiting for your call
I'm sick
Call, I'm angry
Call, I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat
Just like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished
I am new
I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious
You and me
Flesh to flesh
Because every breath that you will take
While you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes
What's your fantasy?

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

- Your Call, Second Hand Serenade




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Heartbreak 101: Lesson #4

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle
Lesson #2: The Law of Worth and Risks
Lesson #3: The Matter Theory
Lesson #4: The Fallacy of Advice

Things are easier said than done and often, people find it difficult to practice what they preach.

Case in point?

Me, myself, and I.

Bottomline? People can appear - nay - try to be strong... but if it hurts, it hurts.

Next lesson: On hiatus...

- My Facebook Note, 16 June 2009

Heartbreak 101: Lesson #3

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle
Lesson #2: The Law of Worth and Risks
Lesson #3: The Matter Theory

The Matter Theory is a rather simple proposition:

"If it occupies space in your mind and heart, then it matters."

In a relationship, how often have you found yourself brushing aside the supposedly "petty" things that bother you? You have that nagging feeling that something's wrong but you ignore it simply because you can't put a finger on it. You know something's wrong and things aren't working out but you don't know exactly why. And this vagueness pushes you to think that perhaps it's not really a problem. After all, what you can't define can't possibly be a major problem, right?

Guess again.

A concern need not take a definite shape before it wreaks havoc in your relationship. In fact, these vague clouds are more potent, far more dangerous. Like an acid poured onto your mind and heart, it accumulates and takes the form that you wish. The anxieties corrode your relationship to the point that vulnerabilities surface and these weak spots eventually give in.

Left unchecked, these potholes of what once were vague questions, could spell the end of your relationship.

Bottomline? Do not put out fires, seek out the sparks that light them.

Next lesson: The Fallacy of Advice

- My Facebook Note, 11 June 2009

Heartbreak 101: Lesson #2

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle
Lesson #2: The Law of Worth and Risks

If a third party presents itself, which would you rather choose: that both you and your partner sort out the mess together or have him conceal everything to you until such time that he has cleared his mind and made a final decision?

The romantic answer is to sort out things together. After all, it was the two of you who entered the relationship; ergo, the responsibility of fixing things - even if it's a third party you're partner is going gaga over - falls on both your shoulders. Unfortunately, only the strong is able to go through this romantic choice unscathed.

If your partner goes out on an adventure to explore and makes an excuse that such will be for the better - a stronger relationship that will withstand future temptations, I suggest you re-assess. If he can't resist the current temptation, what assurance do you have that he will be able to resist those that are yet to come? Besides, him going on a supposed journey to enlightenment equates to him saying to your face:

"I'm going on a field trip. This might ruin our relationship but I'm taking it anyway. It's worth the risk. You are worth risking."

Bottomline? If he loves you, he'd know that you're not worth risking.

Next lesson: The Matter Theory

- My Facebook Note, 10 June 2009

Heartbreak 101: Lesson #1

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

And so we proceed with Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle

The Glass Jar Principle is the age-old dictum on fixing broken relationships: even if you piece things back together, the fault lines that glue them will forever haunt you. They are testaments to the infidelity, to the hurt, to the betrayal. The Glass Jar Principle is otherwise known as the Spectre of the Past. Past critical junctures are ghosts that will knock at your door everytime an argument or misunderstanding arises. Fact is, once the glass jar is shattered, your sense of security is also likely shattered. Hence, you contiue to find assurance that if not assuaged, will be toxic to your "renewed" relationship. The pain and insecurity will continually pound at you to the point that you'd rather be alone than stay in the relationship: after a period of time, the hurt of being alone will equalize the hurt of being together.

Bottom line? Take time to heal before taking second chances, or better yet, if you can't stand the insecurity, then don't take second chances at all.

Next lesson: The Law of Worth and Risks

- My Facebook Note, 10 June 2009

My Place

I'm in good terms with my other ex. Just recently, he started texting me more often than usual, trying to catch up on how I've been doing lately. He's on training to be a medrep and bragged that he topped his class. Honestly, I wasn't that surprised, he's quite a package really: looks, smarts and a good dose of charm. I asked him where he'd be assigned. He said the Metro although he really wanted to get a provincial post. He told me he wanted to try his hand on an independent life. I dittoed him on that, told him that I was itching to move out of my parents' watchful eyes. And then he replied:

"Kapag stable na ako, ligawan kita ulit. Live-in tayo."

Kids and their jokes. Dreamy but then again, not quite meant to be.

On other news, Adele's been singing how I feel these days...

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

- Chasing Pavements, Adele

Promise

Sunset at Chapel on the Hill.
A few friends and family.
A string quartet playing "Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal."
A soprano singing, "Ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin... magpakailanman."

Simple rites.
Simple words.

"I do."
"I love you."

I believe in magic.
I believe it will happen in my lifetime.

Sand on our feet.
Faint twinkles.
Peach sky.
The sea in rhythmic crash.
And a hand to hold.

I found my dream guy.

Glasses framing his chinky eyes.
Soft-spoken.
Gentle mannered.
He speaks of the goodness in people.
And in him I see hope.

Intellectual but with a heart.
A ready smile.
Unassuming.
Humble. Simple.
And bar none, sincere.

Sir, I want him to be much like you.
Because I know, I'd be safe.
I'd be at peace.
I'd be true.

Reading Cards

When you’re heartbroken, you tend to do lots of things. I for one just go all out and join whatever misadventure friends and even acquaintances plan. I spread myself and take up whatever’s on my plate. It’s kinda fun really. I get to step out of my comfort zone and veer away from my boxed up boring self. It helps that you’ve got different sets of friends too. More friends mean more things to do. And the novelty of places, people, and events – to a large part – balm the pangs that nibble on one’s heart.

Law school friends helped me a lot during those spaced-out moments. They’ve been very accommodating to the point that I got to crash their org meetings and social events. I was the unofficial “bisita” of Malcolm Hall. I was the odd one out who felt comfortable acting lawyerly around would-be lawyers.

One afternoon, a friend introduced me to a new law school acquaintance who knew how to read tarot cards. Of course, being the “makulit” guy that I was, I insisted that she practice on me. I picked out three cards from her stack, one of which pierced through what I was going through.

It was the card for my past: betrayal.

She asked if someone recently betrayed me. I smiled. My friend answered with conviction… “Yes, he had been.”

*****

“Ang tulay, paulit-ulit na dadaanan.”

Yet another nugget that tugged my heart during the recent retreat. Taking the sunny side of things, I’d say yes, people will wear you out, erode you, test how long you could hold up and support them. But then, in times like these, I just have to say, the bridge also gets tired… tired of the same things happening to him over and over again. And when an unexpected load rattles him to the point of breaking, just when he thought he was again ready to trust, yet another brick is added to his steadily building walls.

A friend and I recently talked about my tendency to give up easily. After the first heartbreak, I’ve been in only one relationship. And that lasted for barely a month. I decided not to work things out, take one step closer to shutting out people for good. After all, I thought, nothing will ever work out anyway. Been there, done that… and still, I ended up in heartbreak. What’s the point of laying your cards on the table when the same heartbreak will bite your ass in the end? Vulnerability is overrated… maybe, relationships too.

You, you, and you will remain nameless. Some may know the untold stories but now, I decide to bury the hatchet.

And yes Anonymous, at this juncture of my journey, I’m giving in to the cynics who scoffed and rolled their eyes at this stupid, silly thing I’ve been throwing myself into.

Yes, I reaffirm.

In this space… romance is doomed to fail before it even starts.

Slash My Wrist

I remember how dazed I was the first few weeks after I finally called it quits with the first ex. Waking up with nothing to look forward to. Floating from sleep to work, unmindful of whether I might get killed by the speeding cars as I walk to the office. Come to think of it, at that time, somehow, I knew I wished for it. For me to get hit by some random car. For me to suffer some freak accident. For things to just end.

At that time, it was ok for everything to stop... just. like. that.

*****

It was the second day of the retreat and we were told to remain silent throughout the activities. No good mornings, no thank yous. Just silence. Our only respite was the customary sharegroup right after each lecture and testimonial. Surprisingly, I found myself intently listening to my newfound friends, comrades who by God's hands found themselves asking my very questions at that particular juncture in their lives.

"What was she thinking right before she jumped?" Paula shared. She narrated how one of her friends took her own life. How a security guard manning their building saw her idling time on the rooftop. How the moment after, she took that jump and willed everything to stop.

"Was she sad? Was she hurting? Were her thoughts a blank? Or maybe she was enjoying the view?" Twisted, but suddenly I recognized that calm of taking in the view. Looking into the sunset and then bidding the world goodbye. She could have been stronger, I thought. What if she held on a little longer? What if?

And then I remembered the testimonial earlier that morning: "The pleasure of taking my own life was far greater than the pain of living the next moment."

At that very instance, I took out my pen and scribbled a thank you. Thank you Lord for not letting me sink that low. For holding on to me a little longer.

Otherwise, I won't be where I'm at today.

Because...

... ‘twas just a simple admiration from the start,
How words were weaved like a work of art,
A painting of a part, a faceless canvass,
Like a sculpted form of gold and brass.

Then you get curious, like a smitten cat,
You’d want to meet, and have a little chat
Thin or fat, over coffee or tea,
You’d get to realise, there’s more to see.

Though the cybercelebrity,
is just like you and me,

But weirdly, a soft smile, a touch of skin,
Can make you go gaga, and drown on gin,
“Fuck it!” you mutter, “I’ll love you nonetheless”
“Pero ampotah,” fate is such a mess.

For the end, is such a humorous bend.

In the end, you can only be friends
In the end, your heart you’ll have to mend.

Ampotah diba? :P

- Toilet Thoughts

*****

... voyeurism is ingrained in my psyche. The capacity to generate images of longing and desire in the comfort, safety, and anonymity of this digitized delusion. I fell in love, for there is little to do but fall.

With the same fervor as real life ardor, replete with every emotionality, obsession and infatuation it entails, but devoid of the risks of vulnerability, rejection and confrontation. I fell in love because cyber-consciousness affords me to.

Because here, in this world of online exploitation we inhabit, he cannot stop me. Deter me. Prevent me. From fully actualizing the longings I possess. Consuming and clandestine. This is why.

- Red the Mod

*****

And since everyone wants the moleskin, I decided to go Solomonic and tear it in the middle for Toilet Thoughts and Red the Mod to share. But then giving up the other half of the volant - which I initially wanted to keep - seemed a better option.

And that left the SWI GC disowned and to date, still unowned.

Cheers to Travailer, Moi, Mark, Dabo, Iurico, Ewik, Galen, and Anonymous! :)