Perfect

Yikes. I feel as if I'm the worst person in the world. Yes, I am a judgmental brat without regard for what other people have gone through. He says I should stop labelling characters. Condemn the act and not the person. Well, I do agree. It's just that never did I think of myself as THAT bad when it comes to it. I guess that's the blind spot in my Johari Window.

Discounting whether it was intentional or not, fact is, as he says, I crossed the line.

And I still have to come to terms with how self-righteous I supposedly am, with how I managed to box people into a caste that presumably puts me on top of the pecking order. Wow, never in a million years did I think of myself as having the audacity to throw my weight around and act as if I'm better than others. And him saying that I should look around me because for sure there are people far better than I am really shook me to the core. It caught me off guard simply because in my heart of hearts, I never really saw myself as "mayabang." If at all, I've been struggling to find my worth and regard myself more highly. Well, then again, blind spot, Johari window.

But am I really THAT bad? The barrage of words seems to affirm it, attributing thoughts I supposedly harbored even if I honestly never put things as that. Or perhaps I'm just in denial. In denial or not, it just sucks to be in this position. Apparently, starting out as a nice guy sets high expectations upon you. It's kind of Machiavellian really: the tyrant who starts out hard and slowly mellows down is better received than the one who starts out nice and slowly closes his fist.

Expectations. Always take the high road. I expected more from you.

I don't have much pride to give in that what I did was wrong. Yes, I may have really crossed the line. I just wish somebody at least cared to understand me as much as they understand the other side. That I too get hurt and that I am not beyond insecurity.

Alas, while this war wagers on, the other side of the battlefield are taken simply as twisted and lonely. How enticing the other side is. You get to have fun and the worst thing they could tell you is that you're simply misunderstood.

Fighting the good fight sometimes gets really exhausting. In the end, the war really is within you. Prudence, emotions, entitlement, choices... when security was what you've been searching for all along. A place where you are enough and you can feel safe, transparent and all. Perhaps the whole "downgrade" thing really was a defense mechanism. And yet, I'll be damned if I uese that as an excuse. I am not beyond reproach, I wish it was just done with as much kindness as he sees the other side. And so we go back to the very core: do you feel secure? Do you feel safe?

I guess I really have a lot of growing up to do.

*****

I don't know if I've already written this somewhere but when I confronted my first ex during those turbulent times and asked him where were we back then, he blatantly told me to my face that he chose the other guy. For what it's worth, I found consolation in friends saying that his decision was to "downgrade." It was said mostly in jest, a crack to put a little smile on my face, regardless of whether it was true or not. I realized that I now use it as a crutch whenever I feel an impending "takeover." Yes, that chink in my armor spells itself as insecurity.

How I wish people would take time to understand what I've gone through as much as they try to understand others. Ultimately, I feel even more insecure that in this circle of trying to understand people, I am at the periphery. Again, I am least of priorities.

It doesn't excuse my thoughts or actions. I take responsibility for them.

But a little compassion would have helped. Perhaps with that, I won't feel as if I'm the worst person in the world.