If God wills that I see through this pain and sadness to forever, then by His grace I will endure it. And I can be at peace with myself knowing that I've been nothing but good to you. I loved you fully without second thoughts or reservations. Iningatan kita. I might have been shortchanged, I might have been a mere accessory, there might have been another guy for all I know, pero ok lang. I can hold my head high knowing that I can and did give... in spite of. And even just for that, I am proud, proud that I've been good to you and who knows, that I still am an even better catch. But then A says it's really not about "me" for I've done my part, gave everything I could possibly give. It's about having someone who'd stick by you, someone who won't run at the slightest flick of inconvenience.
Pascal said, "the heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." My heart still wrings with why, why everything happened and ended and why everything seems so easy for you and so difficult for me. M says you still want to go on a lot of adventures but somehow thinks of me before diving into them. I don't want to restrain you even if that means I could never be in your life... come to think of it, I've never really been a part of your life. So go ahead, be free to take on the world and what you wish to make out of it... free of I and the baggage that having me entails. I wrestle with the need to understand but I guess that's really not important. Owning my story, His story, would suffice.
anong kaguluhan ito? kasi si A sa lumang phone nagtext eh. napag-usapan na sana ito kahit hatinggabi. hahaha
ReplyDeleteDo not ever say "ok lang." It implies that you accept the shortchange he offered, or that you value yourself below what you deserve, as a good person, a faithful partner, and a decent human being. I may not be privy to the transgression that transpired, and may even know too little of the meanderings of the heart to offer a more grounded advice. I have had my own share of sharp and bitter partings, of clandestine foils made in my absence, and of untruthful statements expressed to confound; and of this I know enough to say that "ok lang" is not a show of fortitude, but a plea of defeated self-pity.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth more than what he saw you for, or valued. Know this, believe this, accept this. That you may have the foresight to demand what is due to your worth as a person, and a partner, when in the future love knocks upon your door.
Be well.
medjo naisip ko to 3 mins ago then I bumped into ur blog :)
ReplyDeleteyou see red, my realization is that at the end of the day, it's not about the other person giving you what's due. life is unfair, that is the truth. and in relationships, and perhaps life in general, the only person you can control is yourself. and if you can walk away from a relationship convinced that you've done your best and you've been nothing but good, then you can be proud of yourself. it's not so much about self-pity or fortitude but graciousness. that feeling of abundance that you can still give in spite of. isn't that what love is about? and measuring yourself not by how much other people give but by how much you give ;)
ReplyDeleteyikes, ano iyong naisip mo mr. chan?
ReplyDeleteI agree. It's just that the tone of your post seemed rather defeated and desolate. That's why I replied the way I did. But, if anything, you are too endearing and optimistic as a person (from what I have seen, knowing you), to be burdened by the pain of failure.
ReplyDeleteYou know, we only fail when we stop trying. :)
appreciate it much red! but you're right, my words betray my sadness. i keep on telling myself that i may be broken but i'm not defeated. we try to re-learn living one day at a time. hay...
ReplyDelete- darc