I thought it was rather auspicious, the Friday rain. There's something about the sudden rush of coolness, how everything seems so clean after a downpour. I've had vivid memories, strong emotions attached to wet pavements and the stillness after. Sunshine struggles through gloom yet the transition is not abrupt. It is the same solace I felt back in highschool when I was up forty feet in the air, traversing a tightrope with a stranger. Up in the mountains, the wind rushing through, our harness - our lifeline - being held by strangers down below. I climbed the pole without hesitation, but when I was about to let go, just when I was about to slide through, my heart pounded. The first step, indeed was the most difficult to take.
*****
Max Lucado wrote You Are Special. It's about small wooden people called Wemmicks carved by a woodworker named Eli. All they did was give each other stickers. The good ones got gold stars, the others got gray dots. One of the unfortunate ones who never got a gold sticker was Punchinello. He thought he was ugly... well everyone thought he was. Then one day he met Lucia, a Wemmick without a sticker. Punchinello asked her how come she didn't have any stickers. Lucia told him that she saw Eli everyday and that he too should go up the hill and meet him.
Punchinello did what he was told. At first he got scared of the hammers, the chisels, and the other tools that Eli used. His wood might get scratched. He might get broken. He thought of turning back... until he heard Eli call him. They talked. And then Punchinello asked, "Why don't the stickers stay on her?" Eli replied, "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."
That was my turning point.
The stickers only stick if you let them.
*****
Saturday night I tossed my letter into the bonfire and watched the flames swallow my words.
I forgive you for hurting me.
I forgive you for reminding me of the pain.
I forgive you for dragging me down.
And as I let go of my stickers, I forgive you, Darc.
*****
So many realizations, so many affirmations. Owning my story meant owning my pain. And the confusion fades with acceptance. That I'm meant to be where I am. That I'm supposed to meet you. And that everything happens for a reason.
That is my story. And it continues to unfold.
There's no reason not to love.
There's no reason not to risk.
I may be broken... but I am not defeated.
Monday, March 15
Wednesday, March 10
Love Story
Boy meets Girl.
Boy falls in love.
Girl thinks Boy is too sissy for her.
After all, she's too headstrong and decided.
Girl gets a boyfriend.
Boy gets a girlfriend.
Girl splits up with the boyfriend.
Boy moves to Australia.
He splits up with the girlfriend.
Girl moves to Korea.
Five years passed.
They remain close friends.
Outside looking in, I saw how their spirits fit.
Same interests, same viewpoints... same emotions.
And then a facebook update:
Girl is in a relationship with Boy.
D: i knew before pa na you'd end up together
D: kayo lang nakakasakay sa trip ng isa't isa
B: i think that's a polite way of saying na "may sarili kayong mundo."
D: well
D: may sarili kayong mundo
D: there.
D: hahahaha
D: seryoso ba to?
B: hinde. joke lang.
D: weh?
B: lol
B: why are u asking kung seryoso ba to?
B: no, isa lang itong social project
D: lol
B: hmm.. it's not something we planned.
B: i guess it's always been there for the past 5 years or so.
D: so it is true!
D: this made my week
D: i am sooooooooo happy
B: pero hindi nga, totoo naman ito.
D: hay, i die
D: i faint
B: and i like how we've gotten into this stage
B: parang it's the most natural thing to do
B: alam mo yun. and people were commenting "finally" a lot. when i think about it, parang ganun nga sya, "finally."
D: i faint
D: i die
B: you fainted and died enough for multiple parallel universes already Darc.
D: i know
D: that's how happy i am
It's the most natural thing to do... finally.
Boy falls in love.
Girl thinks Boy is too sissy for her.
After all, she's too headstrong and decided.
Girl gets a boyfriend.
Boy gets a girlfriend.
Girl splits up with the boyfriend.
Boy moves to Australia.
He splits up with the girlfriend.
Girl moves to Korea.
Five years passed.
They remain close friends.
Outside looking in, I saw how their spirits fit.
Same interests, same viewpoints... same emotions.
And then a facebook update:
Girl is in a relationship with Boy.
D: i knew before pa na you'd end up together
D: kayo lang nakakasakay sa trip ng isa't isa
B: i think that's a polite way of saying na "may sarili kayong mundo."
D: well
D: may sarili kayong mundo
D: there.
D: hahahaha
D: seryoso ba to?
B: hinde. joke lang.
D: weh?
B: lol
B: why are u asking kung seryoso ba to?
B: no, isa lang itong social project
D: lol
B: hmm.. it's not something we planned.
B: i guess it's always been there for the past 5 years or so.
D: so it is true!
D: this made my week
D: i am sooooooooo happy
B: pero hindi nga, totoo naman ito.
D: hay, i die
D: i faint
B: and i like how we've gotten into this stage
B: parang it's the most natural thing to do
B: alam mo yun. and people were commenting "finally" a lot. when i think about it, parang ganun nga sya, "finally."
D: i faint
D: i die
B: you fainted and died enough for multiple parallel universes already Darc.
D: i know
D: that's how happy i am
It's the most natural thing to do... finally.
Monday, March 8
Initiation
"Shoo! Shoo!"
Friend roused from his sleep.
"Shoo! Shoo!"
I stood up and asked him what the problem was.
"Ay sorry Darc. Akala ko aso."
I was too dazed to laugh. Apparently he thought I was some askal eating up our food stash. Well, I can't really blame him. I was slumped in the darkness embracing our red cooler. My silhouette could have been that of any random critter scouting the stretch of the shore.
But no, I wasn't doing another emo moment. I didn't sleep in our tent because I was desperately waiting for my tummy to throw up a cocktail of beer, vodka, tequila, and what have you. Yet again, I was drunk. I'm not really a beer drinker but being the sole stranger in that group, I tried my best to accommodate. Later did I know that beer doesn't really mix well with tequila. And no, even if it tastes just like Hi-C, The Bar is not a chaser!
It was a fun trip. I finally saw the place and though a lot of people set up camp that weekend, the company I was with was priceless. Friend's officemates had a sudden urge to go to the beach. And I tagged along. It was a good mix of boys, girls, couples, and of course, us. Everyone was game. Everyone was fun. And what happens when happy people get their hands on alcohol? Everyone gets wasted of course!
Midway through the drinking spree, I already felt my face numb up. And when alcohol gets the best of me, I have a tendency to chat everyone up like a Povedan-Assumptionista hybrid. English mode on. It was crazy funny. We were mocking each other, making fun of ourselves. Officemate 1 wasn't very comfortable conversing in English but as with most gay guys, any "liability" becomes an asset by poking fun at it. Siyempre nakipag-sabayan siya. But then, it just had to happen.
Officemate 1 took a shot. He was about to answer me back: "What do you...." And then all of a sudden, even before he finished that sentence, he passed out! Like a robot that got unplugged, his tequila shot seeped out of his mouth, he shut his eyes, and shut down. The boys picked him up from the sand. Checked his pulse and told me, "Ok lang Darc, talagang ganiyan iyan."
Then everyone started getting rowdy. Someone suddenly called for bodyshots.
"Sa utong! Sa utong!"
Of course I joined in.
"Sa utong! Sa utong!"
And then I wondered why all eyes were on me. I stopped clapping. Then everyone started teasing the guy beside me. I learned that he was a relatively new hire. Tall, quite cute, and rugged. Earlier that day, we had a "moment" as another officemate quipped. I assisted him while preparing afternoon snacks and there was a little touching and brushing... of hands. Then when we took group pictures with the sunset as backdrop, he sat beside me. He again sat beside me during dinner and throughout the drinking session.
"Sa utong! Sa utong!" everyone teased.
And then out of nowhere, his voice: "Sige na nga, para matapos na tayo."
*****
I had snippets of sleep while hugging the red cooler. The morning after, I felt queasy with a bad headache to boot. I had fun but I don't think I'd go anywhere near alcohol anytime soon.
Here's to new places to get drunk in, new memories to enjoy, and new people to laugh with! Kampai!!!
Friend roused from his sleep.
"Shoo! Shoo!"
I stood up and asked him what the problem was.
"Ay sorry Darc. Akala ko aso."
I was too dazed to laugh. Apparently he thought I was some askal eating up our food stash. Well, I can't really blame him. I was slumped in the darkness embracing our red cooler. My silhouette could have been that of any random critter scouting the stretch of the shore.
But no, I wasn't doing another emo moment. I didn't sleep in our tent because I was desperately waiting for my tummy to throw up a cocktail of beer, vodka, tequila, and what have you. Yet again, I was drunk. I'm not really a beer drinker but being the sole stranger in that group, I tried my best to accommodate. Later did I know that beer doesn't really mix well with tequila. And no, even if it tastes just like Hi-C, The Bar is not a chaser!
It was a fun trip. I finally saw the place and though a lot of people set up camp that weekend, the company I was with was priceless. Friend's officemates had a sudden urge to go to the beach. And I tagged along. It was a good mix of boys, girls, couples, and of course, us. Everyone was game. Everyone was fun. And what happens when happy people get their hands on alcohol? Everyone gets wasted of course!
Midway through the drinking spree, I already felt my face numb up. And when alcohol gets the best of me, I have a tendency to chat everyone up like a Povedan-Assumptionista hybrid. English mode on. It was crazy funny. We were mocking each other, making fun of ourselves. Officemate 1 wasn't very comfortable conversing in English but as with most gay guys, any "liability" becomes an asset by poking fun at it. Siyempre nakipag-sabayan siya. But then, it just had to happen.
Officemate 1 took a shot. He was about to answer me back: "What do you...." And then all of a sudden, even before he finished that sentence, he passed out! Like a robot that got unplugged, his tequila shot seeped out of his mouth, he shut his eyes, and shut down. The boys picked him up from the sand. Checked his pulse and told me, "Ok lang Darc, talagang ganiyan iyan."
Then everyone started getting rowdy. Someone suddenly called for bodyshots.
"Sa utong! Sa utong!"
Of course I joined in.
"Sa utong! Sa utong!"
And then I wondered why all eyes were on me. I stopped clapping. Then everyone started teasing the guy beside me. I learned that he was a relatively new hire. Tall, quite cute, and rugged. Earlier that day, we had a "moment" as another officemate quipped. I assisted him while preparing afternoon snacks and there was a little touching and brushing... of hands. Then when we took group pictures with the sunset as backdrop, he sat beside me. He again sat beside me during dinner and throughout the drinking session.
"Sa utong! Sa utong!" everyone teased.
And then out of nowhere, his voice: "Sige na nga, para matapos na tayo."
*****
I had snippets of sleep while hugging the red cooler. The morning after, I felt queasy with a bad headache to boot. I had fun but I don't think I'd go anywhere near alcohol anytime soon.
Here's to new places to get drunk in, new memories to enjoy, and new people to laugh with! Kampai!!!
Friday, March 5
Look Back!
I regret one thing: not looking back.
They re-ordered the sequence so that I'd be the last to enter the quadrangle. The air smelled of summer and the century-old cobblestones made the the already scenic afternoon even more romantic. The marker at the entrance said that in one of the rooms surrounding the open space, the revolution's secret was confessed. It used to be a seminary. And that day, I was to end a calling.
The march began and as us kids went in, flashes tried to capture that juncture in our personal histories. I remember clutching a folder with some notes in it. Some ramblings for the customary time alloted for the last one to enter the grounds. I was one of the few kids with a corsage pinned on our clothes. From the rows you could see the drama kids from the school play. Ribbons tied the orchids on our chests. It was a thoughtful surprise from our director who became a kuya and a friend.
The rites went on. And the sun set as each kid went up the stage. By the time my classmates were called, yellow light filled the old space. Soft and sleepy... it was a peaceful glow. Most were already tired, even more were starving. Perhaps that's why when the last name was called, the unexpected cheer made me want to cry. Applause and a couple of hoots. The best thing was, it was unsolicited, given freely.
When I got back to my seat, after passing through familiar faces that I almost didn't recognize because of their smiles, a friend told me, "Congrats friend, we did a standing ovation."
And then it hit me, I didn't look back.
I should've looked back.
*****
To them who stood with and by me that day, and to you who reads this, I am humbled. No words will measure up to the generous time you freely give for this space. I am indebted to you and I don't know if it will suffice but yeah, with all the sincerity I could possibly muster...
Thank you!
They re-ordered the sequence so that I'd be the last to enter the quadrangle. The air smelled of summer and the century-old cobblestones made the the already scenic afternoon even more romantic. The marker at the entrance said that in one of the rooms surrounding the open space, the revolution's secret was confessed. It used to be a seminary. And that day, I was to end a calling.
The march began and as us kids went in, flashes tried to capture that juncture in our personal histories. I remember clutching a folder with some notes in it. Some ramblings for the customary time alloted for the last one to enter the grounds. I was one of the few kids with a corsage pinned on our clothes. From the rows you could see the drama kids from the school play. Ribbons tied the orchids on our chests. It was a thoughtful surprise from our director who became a kuya and a friend.
The rites went on. And the sun set as each kid went up the stage. By the time my classmates were called, yellow light filled the old space. Soft and sleepy... it was a peaceful glow. Most were already tired, even more were starving. Perhaps that's why when the last name was called, the unexpected cheer made me want to cry. Applause and a couple of hoots. The best thing was, it was unsolicited, given freely.
When I got back to my seat, after passing through familiar faces that I almost didn't recognize because of their smiles, a friend told me, "Congrats friend, we did a standing ovation."
And then it hit me, I didn't look back.
I should've looked back.
*****
To them who stood with and by me that day, and to you who reads this, I am humbled. No words will measure up to the generous time you freely give for this space. I am indebted to you and I don't know if it will suffice but yeah, with all the sincerity I could possibly muster...
Thank you!
Wednesday, March 3
Tuesday, March 2
Power D
The second act opened with a parade dance.
A couple of guys cartwheeled from stage left.
I was in a group of three. We entered doing a chaines.
Centerstage. A couple of battement kicks, plies.
Land in an arabesque.
I couldn't do a pirouette if my life depended on it.
A couple of jumps.
A couple of lifts.
An eight-count free for all. What to do?!
Go front right and do a solo rond de jambe, of course.
Lights fade.
Exit.
*****
My grades dipped when I was in fourth year highschool because I decided to join the school play. But it was all worth it. No, I didn't enjoy drama... I loved dance. The director had a little problem with us though. Our sissy bodies didn't go well with the de-kanto choreography that previous school plays had. Turned out we were too graceful for the very butch theatre moves he was used to. And so he had no choice but have us do... jazz.
How ironic can you get? An all-boys school mounting a school play with sissy boys doing jazz... and a select group of 14 had a crash course on ballet. Yep, I was in that 14. I did ballet. And then they ask how I turned out gay?
Go figure.
:)
A couple of guys cartwheeled from stage left.
I was in a group of three. We entered doing a chaines.
Centerstage. A couple of battement kicks, plies.
Land in an arabesque.
I couldn't do a pirouette if my life depended on it.
A couple of jumps.
A couple of lifts.
An eight-count free for all. What to do?!
Go front right and do a solo rond de jambe, of course.
Lights fade.
Exit.
*****
My grades dipped when I was in fourth year highschool because I decided to join the school play. But it was all worth it. No, I didn't enjoy drama... I loved dance. The director had a little problem with us though. Our sissy bodies didn't go well with the de-kanto choreography that previous school plays had. Turned out we were too graceful for the very butch theatre moves he was used to. And so he had no choice but have us do... jazz.
How ironic can you get? An all-boys school mounting a school play with sissy boys doing jazz... and a select group of 14 had a crash course on ballet. Yep, I was in that 14. I did ballet. And then they ask how I turned out gay?
Go figure.
:)
Monday, March 1
A Me Redux
Depression makes you transparent.
I've always been smug before the break up. I was stoic. I never wore my heart on my sleeve. I rarely cried. That night when I finally figured out everything, that the week of silence was more than a need for space, I broke down in front of my friends. I just sat there, crying. Taken aback, all they were able to say was, "Parang hindi si Darc."
It was my first. And with it came new realizations. Sadness was true, so was heart break. I remember telling a straight friend, "Jim, totoo pala iyong heartbroken. Literally, something's wrong with my heart."
What's interesting about sadness is once you know it, it becomes easy for you to access it. It lingers. It becomes a part of who you are. I was slumped in Pagudpud, watching the waves, unmindful of the heat, my thoughts a blank. Friend's boyfriend sat beside me and said, "Darc, it will pass. But know that things will change. You will change."
I've changed. I now know sadness.
*****
John, I've told you this, I envy you. I envy how chance weaved your story. You told me to ask for it, just as you did. Believe me, I wasn't joking when I told you guys that once, that was my nightly prayer. "Lord, I know I have so much love to give. Please bring me that someone I could share life with and who would take me as I take him." An erstwhile Starbucks planner stood witness to how I asked. I asked John, I really did.
But more than that, I envy you because you're still capable of loving. First and last, that's something worth holding on to. I tried to hold on but then I slipped. The hurt pulled me down. The second, third, fourth chances was too much for my spirit to take.
I think I'm damaged.
At the back of my mind, I still want my happy ending. But I'm too scared to go out there and risk myself yet again. I still want my happy ending. But I'm too weak to pursue.
*****
For the past couple of days, I've been going over old files, old letters, old mementos. Poring over some pictures, I noticed a yellow sheet with my name on top of it. It was my mom's writing. Her reply to my letter a couple of years before. I told her that in spite of everything I've gone through, I'd still give him another chance.
"Masakit para sa amin ang gagawin mo. Para bang hindi ko makaya o matanggap na makikipag-balikan ka pa sa kaniya."
I tried my best to brush aside the fact that I was hurting Nanay. I pushed on... and it was never worth it.
*****
I guess it's just me coming to terms with who I've become. And yes Nanay, Darc is at it again. I'm giving away another chance... this time for myself. Hopefully, it will be worth it.
*****
Salamat, Jepoy, John, at Moi.
I've always been smug before the break up. I was stoic. I never wore my heart on my sleeve. I rarely cried. That night when I finally figured out everything, that the week of silence was more than a need for space, I broke down in front of my friends. I just sat there, crying. Taken aback, all they were able to say was, "Parang hindi si Darc."
It was my first. And with it came new realizations. Sadness was true, so was heart break. I remember telling a straight friend, "Jim, totoo pala iyong heartbroken. Literally, something's wrong with my heart."
What's interesting about sadness is once you know it, it becomes easy for you to access it. It lingers. It becomes a part of who you are. I was slumped in Pagudpud, watching the waves, unmindful of the heat, my thoughts a blank. Friend's boyfriend sat beside me and said, "Darc, it will pass. But know that things will change. You will change."
I've changed. I now know sadness.
*****
John, I've told you this, I envy you. I envy how chance weaved your story. You told me to ask for it, just as you did. Believe me, I wasn't joking when I told you guys that once, that was my nightly prayer. "Lord, I know I have so much love to give. Please bring me that someone I could share life with and who would take me as I take him." An erstwhile Starbucks planner stood witness to how I asked. I asked John, I really did.
But more than that, I envy you because you're still capable of loving. First and last, that's something worth holding on to. I tried to hold on but then I slipped. The hurt pulled me down. The second, third, fourth chances was too much for my spirit to take.
I think I'm damaged.
At the back of my mind, I still want my happy ending. But I'm too scared to go out there and risk myself yet again. I still want my happy ending. But I'm too weak to pursue.
*****
For the past couple of days, I've been going over old files, old letters, old mementos. Poring over some pictures, I noticed a yellow sheet with my name on top of it. It was my mom's writing. Her reply to my letter a couple of years before. I told her that in spite of everything I've gone through, I'd still give him another chance.
"Masakit para sa amin ang gagawin mo. Para bang hindi ko makaya o matanggap na makikipag-balikan ka pa sa kaniya."
I tried my best to brush aside the fact that I was hurting Nanay. I pushed on... and it was never worth it.
*****
I guess it's just me coming to terms with who I've become. And yes Nanay, Darc is at it again. I'm giving away another chance... this time for myself. Hopefully, it will be worth it.
*****
Salamat, Jepoy, John, at Moi.
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