Sit In

3 days without sleep and my body wasn't about to give up.

I trooped to his Monday morning class upon his request. He wanted to "assess" how he really felt about me and about his student. I knew I had a ticket to absent myself from work. Sunday was graduation and I thought the bosses would understand my supposed drunken state, perhaps from the revelry... only it never was.

I sat at the back, anxious, waiting for the firestorm to come... and come it did. His nonchalance was cutting, his remarks biting. It's as if I threw myself into the proverbial lion's pit, the chewed up crumbs of my ego to be spat out in front of all his students to see.

"If the outermost electron gets excited, it almost always jumps to the nearest atom. Remember class, you don't always see red. You don't always see red!"

Given that his personal life was an open book to his students, the chuckles from his class with every joke that alluded to my unwelcome presence surfaced a lump in my throat. I was choking. And a good hour of keeping a brave front was only too much to handle.

I raised my hand.

"Sir, ano ba kasing excitement ang hinahanap niyang electrons na iyan?"

The class turned their heads to the back and stared at me.

A few more attempts at a territory he has already mastered, with jabs at entropy and how people should always try to piece things together, I stopped, taking in the silence that now conquered the air.

"See you next meeting class."

The crowd dispersed... and that was it.

*****

Looking back at the mess I was in then, I can't help but ask why I always find myself as one of the options, just that: an option. I know I can never impose what I want on another but then, I can't help but think, no, I can't help but wish that somehow, for once, I become the choice. No comparisons, no weighing around, no assessing how I measure up against another. Just me, only me.

*****

I checked an email account I haven't touched for so long. A couple hundreds of unread messages to sift through, browse, and delete.

Sometime February of this year, a message from him.

"I know you owe me no favors but can I see you... before things change... please?"

Funny how casual I felt reading that plea. Off the cuff, I replied a good luck and a wish that things are good with him.

"It's almost a year," he answered.

I felt no desire to reply back. Although I wanted to correct him. It's been a year since things really ended but two years since that fateful summer. A summer that saw me lose myself, a summer that scarred me and broke me, a summer that took my soul to places I never knew I'd reach.

Maybe I'm still broken, an irreparable chink in how I see my own worth, the scar of being just one of the options that still haunts me until today.

But then it's been two years. And time's balm has been a crutch that propped me up to push on. A sigh offset by an affirmation, that there's nowhere I'd rather be than in this, my broken road.

G'nyt

It was already around midnight. I was onboard a cab on my way home after having dinner with friends. At the intersection of Makati Ave. and Buendia, we stopped beside another cab, in it was, I suppose, a couple: two guys, both good looking. One of them opened the cab's right-side door, called out a streetkid and handed over a brown bag.

Sweet, I thought, how two nice guys seemed to have found each other.

Back to where I was, the space beside me remained empty... and all I was able to do was to text you a rather simple message, "G'nyt."

Popcorn Fields

Can thoughts be called random if they spring to consciousness because of recent events? Popcorn fields ask why.

They ask why I draw circles on someone else's hands when our fingers intertwine.
They ask why I always end up being second best.
They ask why I keep wanting something I could could never have.
They ask why I keep hoping.
They ask why I fall.

Friend, thank you for shedding a tear for me. The accomplice that you are, I find comfort in your sympathy and understanding. That you know how it feels to keep on wishing for something that can never be. That indeed, the pool we dived into may be but an ephemeral fantasy... swimming in it, only to rise to reality.

And the serendipity of that song playing on that exact morning still teases me, as if to re-affirm that everything does happen for a reason and that I am where I should be.

Waiting for your call
I'm sick
Call, I'm angry
Call, I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat
Just like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished
I am new
I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious
You and me
Flesh to flesh
Because every breath that you will take
While you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes
What's your fantasy?

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to... to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

- Your Call, Second Hand Serenade




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Heartbreak 101: Lesson #4

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle
Lesson #2: The Law of Worth and Risks
Lesson #3: The Matter Theory
Lesson #4: The Fallacy of Advice

Things are easier said than done and often, people find it difficult to practice what they preach.

Case in point?

Me, myself, and I.

Bottomline? People can appear - nay - try to be strong... but if it hurts, it hurts.

Next lesson: On hiatus...

- My Facebook Note, 16 June 2009

Heartbreak 101: Lesson #3

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle
Lesson #2: The Law of Worth and Risks
Lesson #3: The Matter Theory

The Matter Theory is a rather simple proposition:

"If it occupies space in your mind and heart, then it matters."

In a relationship, how often have you found yourself brushing aside the supposedly "petty" things that bother you? You have that nagging feeling that something's wrong but you ignore it simply because you can't put a finger on it. You know something's wrong and things aren't working out but you don't know exactly why. And this vagueness pushes you to think that perhaps it's not really a problem. After all, what you can't define can't possibly be a major problem, right?

Guess again.

A concern need not take a definite shape before it wreaks havoc in your relationship. In fact, these vague clouds are more potent, far more dangerous. Like an acid poured onto your mind and heart, it accumulates and takes the form that you wish. The anxieties corrode your relationship to the point that vulnerabilities surface and these weak spots eventually give in.

Left unchecked, these potholes of what once were vague questions, could spell the end of your relationship.

Bottomline? Do not put out fires, seek out the sparks that light them.

Next lesson: The Fallacy of Advice

- My Facebook Note, 11 June 2009

Heartbreak 101: Lesson #2

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle
Lesson #2: The Law of Worth and Risks

If a third party presents itself, which would you rather choose: that both you and your partner sort out the mess together or have him conceal everything to you until such time that he has cleared his mind and made a final decision?

The romantic answer is to sort out things together. After all, it was the two of you who entered the relationship; ergo, the responsibility of fixing things - even if it's a third party you're partner is going gaga over - falls on both your shoulders. Unfortunately, only the strong is able to go through this romantic choice unscathed.

If your partner goes out on an adventure to explore and makes an excuse that such will be for the better - a stronger relationship that will withstand future temptations, I suggest you re-assess. If he can't resist the current temptation, what assurance do you have that he will be able to resist those that are yet to come? Besides, him going on a supposed journey to enlightenment equates to him saying to your face:

"I'm going on a field trip. This might ruin our relationship but I'm taking it anyway. It's worth the risk. You are worth risking."

Bottomline? If he loves you, he'd know that you're not worth risking.

Next lesson: The Matter Theory

- My Facebook Note, 10 June 2009

Heartbreak 101: Lesson #1

I am mustering the audacity to write down my rule book - lessons on heartbreak that must be considered before taking second, third, fourth, fifth or nth chances. Why? For catharsis and for the benefit of those in la la la land who are shackled by hopes - hopes that things will get better that's why you hold on and you continue to take chances. I recognize the bitterness so there's no need to point that one out. Chances are these rules are applicable only to those who choose to believe them. After all, to romanticize is one of humanity's greatest follies.

And so we proceed with Lesson #1: The Glass Jar Principle

The Glass Jar Principle is the age-old dictum on fixing broken relationships: even if you piece things back together, the fault lines that glue them will forever haunt you. They are testaments to the infidelity, to the hurt, to the betrayal. The Glass Jar Principle is otherwise known as the Spectre of the Past. Past critical junctures are ghosts that will knock at your door everytime an argument or misunderstanding arises. Fact is, once the glass jar is shattered, your sense of security is also likely shattered. Hence, you contiue to find assurance that if not assuaged, will be toxic to your "renewed" relationship. The pain and insecurity will continually pound at you to the point that you'd rather be alone than stay in the relationship: after a period of time, the hurt of being alone will equalize the hurt of being together.

Bottom line? Take time to heal before taking second chances, or better yet, if you can't stand the insecurity, then don't take second chances at all.

Next lesson: The Law of Worth and Risks

- My Facebook Note, 10 June 2009