Of Plates, Loans and Shoes

He reminisced how through a stormy night, he hurdled fallen trees and braved the rains just so he could beg for a can of sardines from the sari-sari store. Young as he was back then, he knew that times were difficult for his family... they've always been. Besides, he knew how it was to sacrifice. He remembered how his older brother "borrowed" the coins he kept in his piggy bank. And how helpless he seemed as he shed a tear or two, alone in the corner.

He says he struggled through college, juggled long walks to school with the careful preparations of his plates. He can't afford a repeat. He didn't have the money to buy extra sheets of paper. No wonder he didn't finish. A year before graduation, he dropped. He had to find work.

*****

She later found out that keeping a family was difficult. She already had three kids and try hard as she did, her husband's wage wasn't enough to make ends meet. One day, she went to her mother and asked for help. A sister sent some money from abroad and she earnestly wished that part of it could be loaned to her. But then her mother said no, vehemently said no.

She went home teary eyed... and her second son had no choice but to watch her as she sobbed in silence.

*****

He woke up early that day. He had a school competition to join. Being in second grade, that was one of the rare instances the spotlight was on him. Problem was, his shoes were giving up. He put on his white polo jacket and his blue shorts. He had on his white socks... and a pair of shoes with a pair of detached soles flapping back with his every step.

Having taped together shoes wasn't that bad... all the more reason to have the spotlight on him. At least now, he'd still be able to join the program. Unlike last time when his parents couldn't afford the printed shirt for a school dance... and he had no choice but to watch everyone else's bags as he cried and looked over the hallway.

i AM in love with a cyber-celebrity

My laptop's still on top of my faux wood table... and yes, I'm still my cyberloafing self.

A year has passed since I professed.
A year of stories written.
A year of stories read.

A year of humbling opportunities to meet some who live my vicarious life.

It was a bittersweet journey of letting go and holding on. I learned, unlearned and relearned. Cliche as it may seem, I am still under construction... after throwing things away just to take in more complications.

Through this space I was able to cross paths with wonderful writers who, I'm glad to have found out to be even more wonderful persons. I am blessed by you and I am honored by your time.

Now where to Darc Diarist, where to?

I mark this day.
I mark this time.

For the one who fell in love... IS now in love.

Limos

A great part of me wishes that I could find a boyfriend who makes me feel as if I'm the only one who matters. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it's irrational. But when you've always felt as if you're the least of priorities, that self-centered desire becomes all the more enticing. I mean I don't think I'm high maintenance and I don't think I'm demanding. Maybe that's it, I don't demand. That's why I can get moved to last. Everybody can never get cancelled... everybody except me.

My heartbreak story made me resolve to no longer ask for pittance. Ayoko na manlimos ng oras at panahon... simply because there's nothing more genuine than love that's freely given, time freely given.

No haggling.
No bargaining.
No arm-twisting.
No choices to be made between you and someone else...

Simply because you are the obvious choice.

But then on the flipside, why should my time depend on someone else's? If I can get cancelled and moved around just like that, then it only means that I should have a greater hand in determining how I spend my time. Breaking free from being a loser starts with deciding that I matter and that MY TIME rests on MY HANDS.

And for that, my birthday weekend is now officially booked. I expect gifts ha! Lol. I kid, I kid. There's no better present than your presence. Hallmark much? Haha :P

Weekend has arrived
Everybody's trying to find something to get into
My friends wanna go out
But I can't cancel my plans

Got a date with my baby
He's taking me out so I'm gonna catch up with you
Some other day, gotta go
Can't make him wait tonight

Have to make sure I'm looking hot
'Cause we're going to our favorite spot
'Til the morning we're gonna rock
Boy, you knock me up, yeah

My baby, doesn't matter what's going on or who's around us
All I see is you
Right now they're playing our song, the dance floor is ours
All I see is you

The DJ's got me feeling like I did
When I first met you
And there's nothing that can break us apart in two
All I see is you

- All I See, Kylie Minogue

The O-Soap

I don't have Ad Sense nor am I a Nuffnang member so this is an honest to goodness rave about a surprise of a product.

I love Oilatum!

I got hold of a sample a week or two ago and I immediately fell in love with it. Talk about vanity! Lol. Aside from drying up the bumps on my face in just a matter of two or three washes, what I love most about Oilatum is that I feel super clean after using it. It's like having a protective film over my skin! Yes, to me (n.b. my OC self), that is it's biggest selling point. And mind you, it's not the dried up squeaky clean feeling you get with ordinary soap. It's like a breathable plastic layer that makes you feel super uber really clean. Did I mention that it makes you feel super clean? Haha.

Basta! I love Oilatum. I wish it rains Oilatum, that way, I'll save up on vanity expenses. Lol. It's quite pricey by my standards at P150 a bar. But given that I don't have any other skin routine in line, it's worth definitely outweighs its cost.



Yey, to my first non-emo, non-sense, vanity-related post. Haha :P

Swan

While waiting with colleagues at the hotel lobby, I saw a familiar face, a former college classmate. I actually stared at her and she stared back. After a couple of long-drawn seconds, she still wasn't reacting and at that point, I started doubting if I was staring at someone I know. Yes, I know it's rude to stare and I won't think of doing that to a stranger in a million years! She was a couple of steps away when finally her eyebrows gave out a semi-puzzled look and her lips quievered in a half-jesting smile. Finally, she recognized who I was!

After some small talk and a little urging from her for me to enroll in the same gym she was heading to, we exchanged numbers and said our "See yahs!" Not soon after, while treading the traffic trap that is EDSA, I received a message on my phone that said: "U look good!"

That made me smile. I guess I'm ageing well. This bodes well for the ugly duckling. I guess I do have a future after all! :)

Temporal

Almost midnight and it was still raining. I had taken three steps from the cab, midway to our gate when a man, probably in his forties, stopped me. Admittedly, I was a bit shaken which he might have noticed given his rather unusual greeting.

"Hindi po ako masamang tao. Kailangan ko lang ng tulong."

His mother, a sampaguita vendor, was stabbed in front of a 7/11 store a couple of blocks from our place. He had solicited assistance from the Mayor for the funeral arrangements but still had to raise a couple of hundred for the undertaker's fee. He was fumbling over some sheets of paper: death certificate, a written "SOA" from the public cemetery and some more I didn't really bother to look into. He was trying to convince me of the veracity of his claim, trying to differentiate himself from the typical street fraud we've come to know.

And then teary-eyed, with a cracking voice, he suddenly pleaded, "Kung gusto niyo ho luluhod pa ako dito, tulungan niyo lang ako."

*****

Day in and day out, I struggle with the fact that I need to make something out of myself. I look around and see the things I lack, materially and otherwise. I guess it's a question of security... and it doesn't really help if at this age, I have nothing to show: zero savings, a thankless job and a general non-direction. And I often come to a point when I ask a series of why's: Why am I in this rut? Why can't I find that one big break? Why can't I provide for my family? Why is everyone else moving forward while I, I am left behind?

I've talked to a friend about this. I ranted, "Am I being materialistic?" To which he replied, of course not; having enough money gives you a sense of security. Again, it's about security. Security... why are you so hard to pin down? And there you have it, yet another why?!

I don't really want to go on rambling. After all, what I'm feeling is just a formless general sentiment. It's one part wanting, it's one part sadness, it's one part frustration over things material and otherwise.

*****

"Hindi na ho kailangan. Pagpasenyahan niyo na ho ito." I handed the guy a fifty-perso bill, not much but it was all I could spare. Everyone struggles and I'm still at a better place, much more blessed than a lot of people out there. I know this but then making peace with it is an all-together different matter.

I know I should know better... but I can't help it.

Happy Child

Executive session meant getting booted out of the board room and finding myself sandwiched between the Executive Assistant and another staff.

"Alam mo malungkot pa rin si Betty," said the Ex-A.

Her pain was palpable. Betty, her teenage daughter, just got her heart broken.

"Sabi ni Dom ok lang raw iyon. She'll learn from it. Alam ko naman iyon pero mahirap din pala talaga. Biruin mo antagal mong inalagaan tapos ganun-ganun na lang. Sana maging happy child na siya ulit soon."

She had a hopeful tone during that conversation but her eyes betrayed her... much like Nanay's eyes that morning when I unexpectedly hugged her while she was busy poring over the stove, heating some water for breakfast.

In a home where sweet nothings and I-love-yous were never the norm, how Nanay stared at me that morning when it was still dark outside and we were the only souls awake in the house, left an awkward sense of assurance in me. I rediscovered how silence can be an ally, how stillness conveys the promise of being there.

But the sadness in her eyes will haunt me for a long time. Nanay felt my pain, perhaps far more than I could imagine.