Maybe I was too tired to think straight. But then I don’t want to make excuses. I’ve toyed with the idea before and it was only a matter of time before I give in. I gave in. I paid someone for sex.
It was rather uneventful, really. Just a matter of kisses here and there. Nobody got inside anybody although he did “try” to give me head. And now, I feel quite bothered. No, I don’t feel guilty. I had a hunch that he too was gay and that he actually enjoyed what we did. I didn’t feel as if I took advantage of him. Quite the contrary, he had the better end of the bargain: sex with money to boot. What bothers me is that I’m nonchalant about the whole matter. Yep, the whole process of getting there was quite exciting: making the call at one in the morning, asking how much he charged, and waiting. Ah, the waiting. But once there, it became just a routine. I simply went through the motions. And all the while I thought my inner bossy self would surface since the ball (no pun intended, really) was in my court. But no! As I’ve said, it was uneventful and I… was nonchalant.
After that, I went straight to the office and struggled through a dizzying headache. But wait, there’s more. Since everyone left earlier than I did, I had the gall to have some phone fun with a random guy. I did it in my cubicle, not knowing that the guard on duty was already making his rounds. Again, I simply didn’t care. I was either too tired to think about him catching me or I was in full-gear denial mode. I was whispering over the phone right? How could he possibly hear me? And things don’t end there. My slutty self seemed to be on panic-buying mode to reach the year’s quota. I had another casual hook up with some guy before going home. Again, it was uneventful. Nobody got inside anybody, and with that the guy called me... corny.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I guess Darc is turning nympho. But what do I make of my nonchalance? Maybe I’m no longer THAT interested in sex . Or maybe I’m missing out on something that’s why even if I keep plugging myself into these encounters, I feel zilch, zero, nada. Or maybe finally, I’ve come to terms with the fact that sex is just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s no big deal, really.
Weird, is it even logical to turn nympho because I’ve lost interest in sex?
Well, on the bright side, at least I’d be a good boyfriend. My partner need not worry if I’d sneak behind his back for some unfaithful tryst… but then, he’d have to sustain my sexual appetite. Hay, the things I think about on New Year’s Eve. Honestly, I just wanted to write it down so that I could leave it behind and jump into the New Year with a clean slate.
And with that, I say… case closed.
Thursday, December 31
Tuesday, December 29
Art of War
The fallout of my messy messy relationship and the tragic story of another friend lead to a renewed pact among us college blockmates. The pact centers on us being brutally frank with each other to knock some hard sense when we're in self-made pathetic mode. Forget being civil. Forget tact. Our friendship is now a no sugar-coating zone. Truth hurts and in this new-found hobby, we all agreed that the road to renewal is littered by collateral damage. Everyone is fair game.
And just like that, bullets came flying across two starbucks tables.
Unexpected. Piercing. Hot as they sliced through our pre-conceived realities of ourselves and our sorry affairs.I guess I speak for the group when I say that most of the attacks, were strangely familiar. They were truths sounded off by small voices in our heads. Truths we pushed aside. Truths we denied. Truths we chose to ignore. All we needed was someone other than ourselves to acknowledge them, say them out loud.
"The first time I met your ex, I already smelled bullshit."
Thanks friend, that certainly capped my year.
And just like that, bullets came flying across two starbucks tables.
Unexpected. Piercing. Hot as they sliced through our pre-conceived realities of ourselves and our sorry affairs.I guess I speak for the group when I say that most of the attacks, were strangely familiar. They were truths sounded off by small voices in our heads. Truths we pushed aside. Truths we denied. Truths we chose to ignore. All we needed was someone other than ourselves to acknowledge them, say them out loud.
"The first time I met your ex, I already smelled bullshit."
Thanks friend, that certainly capped my year.
Friday, December 25
In 2009, I learned...
1. That sex is overrated. I’d rather give and receive big tight hugs!
2. That not all corporate big shots are too high to be inaccessible.
3. That I don't want to get promoted... just yet.
4. That an unexpected compliment can make my day… heck, my week!
5. That I’m better at standing up for others than standing up for myself.
6. That I’m better off single.
7. That health really is wealth.
8. That no amount of money can compensate for peace of mind.
9. That life can be snuffed out just.like.that.
10. That at 25, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.
11. That I’m not immune to envy.
12. That depression is real.
13. That there are a lot of great bloggers out there… making me realize how flimsy my reasons are for falling in love.
14. That I can’t and won’t always do the right thing.
15. That people almost always live secret lives.
It was quite a fun year. Novelty trumps out all bad feelings! ;D
2. That not all corporate big shots are too high to be inaccessible.
3. That I don't want to get promoted... just yet.
4. That an unexpected compliment can make my day… heck, my week!
5. That I’m better at standing up for others than standing up for myself.
6. That I’m better off single.
7. That health really is wealth.
8. That no amount of money can compensate for peace of mind.
9. That life can be snuffed out just.like.that.
10. That at 25, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.
11. That I’m not immune to envy.
12. That depression is real.
13. That there are a lot of great bloggers out there… making me realize how flimsy my reasons are for falling in love.
14. That I can’t and won’t always do the right thing.
15. That people almost always live secret lives.
It was quite a fun year. Novelty trumps out all bad feelings! ;D
Monday, December 21
Pag-ibig Ko
We had ambient lighting and the room was already quite dark; probably around 5:30 in the afternoon. Pads asked us to find a comfortable spot in the hall and close our eyes. Being the lazy guy that I am, I lied down on the spot where I used to sit, shut my eyes, and waited for the sudden commotion to die down. A couple of minutes after silence signaled that everyone has settled in, music played. Guitar strums followed by a lone female voice singing of love.
The following morning, I was the earliest to wake up. From my room which I shared with another classmate, I sneaked out to the session hall, looked up the cassette tape, and played the song from the previous night. I sat in the middle of the room, eyes closed, alone. When the song ended, I opened my eyes, looked up and saw Pads standing at the door. He was watching me with a smile.
***
Almost a decade since that incident, I found myself walking aimlessly in a mall when I heard praise songs playing from a nearby kiosk. I approached the girl manning the store and told her that I was looking for a song but I’m not exactly sure of its title or the artist who sang it. Oblivious to how silly I must have looked back then, I started singing to her the lines that I vaguely remembered. She paused, pored over a box, and picked out a CD. She placed the CD in the player, pressed 8, and pressed play. And then a familiar guitar strum and a familiar female voice singing of love... everything for the entire mall to hear.
I thanked her for finding my song and as she handed me the CD, she said: “Sir, God was with you. He blessed you today noh?”
***
I admit, I am attracted to melancholy. At the back of my perverted mind, I believe that all of us are bound by our frailty and it is in that shared experience of pain that we find our common humanity. Sad but true, we feel most human when we bleed and despair. It’s as if we succeed in becoming more human when we fail in whatever it is we do. And that paradox, to me, is made manifest in love, the only intangible capable of hurting you and making you feel good at the same time. Twisted, I know. It's the sado-masochist take on love. But for what it's worth, for all the silly things we do in the name of love, regret is never an option. You give and you bleed and you give and bleed some more... until all you have left is faith.
Courage and faith...
Courage and faith...
Courage and faith...
Have a faith-filled Christmas everyone!
***
Pag-ibig Ko
Hindi ka kailangang magbago
Kahit ito'y mas ibig ko
Hindi ka kailangang magsikap nang husto
Upang ika'y ibigin ko
Iniibig kita, manalig ka sana
Ako'y kapiling mo
Kahit ikaw pa ma'y mapalayo
Kailan magwawakas ang 'yong pagtatago?
Ako'y naghihintay sa 'yo
Lumapit ka lamang ang puso Ko'y hagkan
Pag-ibig Ko'y walang hanggan
The following morning, I was the earliest to wake up. From my room which I shared with another classmate, I sneaked out to the session hall, looked up the cassette tape, and played the song from the previous night. I sat in the middle of the room, eyes closed, alone. When the song ended, I opened my eyes, looked up and saw Pads standing at the door. He was watching me with a smile.
***
Almost a decade since that incident, I found myself walking aimlessly in a mall when I heard praise songs playing from a nearby kiosk. I approached the girl manning the store and told her that I was looking for a song but I’m not exactly sure of its title or the artist who sang it. Oblivious to how silly I must have looked back then, I started singing to her the lines that I vaguely remembered. She paused, pored over a box, and picked out a CD. She placed the CD in the player, pressed 8, and pressed play. And then a familiar guitar strum and a familiar female voice singing of love... everything for the entire mall to hear.
I thanked her for finding my song and as she handed me the CD, she said: “Sir, God was with you. He blessed you today noh?”
***
I admit, I am attracted to melancholy. At the back of my perverted mind, I believe that all of us are bound by our frailty and it is in that shared experience of pain that we find our common humanity. Sad but true, we feel most human when we bleed and despair. It’s as if we succeed in becoming more human when we fail in whatever it is we do. And that paradox, to me, is made manifest in love, the only intangible capable of hurting you and making you feel good at the same time. Twisted, I know. It's the sado-masochist take on love. But for what it's worth, for all the silly things we do in the name of love, regret is never an option. You give and you bleed and you give and bleed some more... until all you have left is faith.
Courage and faith...
Courage and faith...
Courage and faith...
Have a faith-filled Christmas everyone!
***
Pag-ibig Ko
Hindi ka kailangang magbago
Kahit ito'y mas ibig ko
Hindi ka kailangang magsikap nang husto
Upang ika'y ibigin ko
Iniibig kita, manalig ka sana
Ako'y kapiling mo
Kahit ikaw pa ma'y mapalayo
Kailan magwawakas ang 'yong pagtatago?
Ako'y naghihintay sa 'yo
Lumapit ka lamang ang puso Ko'y hagkan
Pag-ibig Ko'y walang hanggan
Friday, December 18
Doctor's Orders
I thought I'd drop by an acquaintance's facebook page just to greet her a happy birthday. And there he was, in a white shirt, black-rimmed glasses, wearing the cutest smile I've seen in a while. I don't know but I think this is the first time I've truly felt giddy. It's that authentic giggly feeling. I smile at the mere thought of him even if I'm dead-tired, stressed out or swimming in angst.
Or maybe it's just my closet romantic self. I'm crushing on the idea of a "him."
Worse, the second thing I thought of after stalking him online (the first was how cute he is) is that I want to go to law school. It has been almost five years since I finished my undergrad course and I've decided back then not to pursue law even if it's the most practical thing to do. I've reconciled myself with the fact that I'll be treading a different path while my friends and contemporaries, most of whom took the bar last September, will try to etch their names as legal luminaries. I, the poor, anonymous pencil pusher. They, the filthy-rich movers of the justice system.
But after seeing facebook crushiee otherwise known as the would-be MD, I felt a serious change in outlook. The shift is not even from I'm not going to law school ever to I'm considering law school BUT from zero law school to I WANT to go to law school!
Hay, all these just so I'd at least have a fighting chance with him.
I hate feeling like a dazed school girl... and I hate feeling insecure.
Or maybe it's just my closet romantic self. I'm crushing on the idea of a "him."
Worse, the second thing I thought of after stalking him online (the first was how cute he is) is that I want to go to law school. It has been almost five years since I finished my undergrad course and I've decided back then not to pursue law even if it's the most practical thing to do. I've reconciled myself with the fact that I'll be treading a different path while my friends and contemporaries, most of whom took the bar last September, will try to etch their names as legal luminaries. I, the poor, anonymous pencil pusher. They, the filthy-rich movers of the justice system.
But after seeing facebook crushiee otherwise known as the would-be MD, I felt a serious change in outlook. The shift is not even from I'm not going to law school ever to I'm considering law school BUT from zero law school to I WANT to go to law school!
Hay, all these just so I'd at least have a fighting chance with him.
I hate feeling like a dazed school girl... and I hate feeling insecure.
Thursday, December 10
Hero to Zero
Hey little sister,
You probably don't remember but I was your hero when we were little. It was a Saturday. Dad was at work and mom was busy doing chores outside the house. It was almost mid-day but you were still sound asleep. Suddenly, a scream from the neighbor. A yell for help as sparks fizzled in their house. Busted electrical wirings. And soon flames. Instinct told me to grab you and rush out of the house. I was eight, you were barely one. And their door was a foot away from ours.
Hey little sister,
I have a confession to make. Much like mom, I sneak around your back and read the messages in your phone and the letters you keep tucked in your wallet and that tin spongebob lunchcase. I never knew you felt pressured to do good in class. I thought you were naturally driven, being bossy and assertive and all. But what struck me most was a letter from one of your friends when you failed to graduate top of your class. I never wanted to set a bar for you to surpass.
Hey little sister,
I know we joke about it often but I do feel a tad bit hurt. You not wanting to end up like me - confused, aimless, yes, quite a loser. You told me you wanted to take up that three-letter course, be a scientist, and dabble with evolution and permutations. But after a quick look at me - stubborn to pursue what I thought I wanted yet ending up broke - you settled for another three-letter track to crunch numbers, add and minus dreams.
Hey little sister,
Remember when I got back from my trip last summer? You probably noticed how broken I was. I knew it was too much to ask, too much to expect that I, a grown-up man would seek solace in my little sister. And so perhaps confused, the best you could muster was a half-teasing yet stern warning: "Kuya, next time maging choosy ka naman kasi."
Hey little sister,
It has been months since dad retired. And now, we're left to sort out our finances. I was caught off-guard when you asked for money last night. I guess the allowance I set aside for you really ain't enough. I scoured my wallet but all I found were two 50's and three 20's. I managed to cough out a laugh.
Hey little sister,
It's me, kuya... merry christmas.
You probably don't remember but I was your hero when we were little. It was a Saturday. Dad was at work and mom was busy doing chores outside the house. It was almost mid-day but you were still sound asleep. Suddenly, a scream from the neighbor. A yell for help as sparks fizzled in their house. Busted electrical wirings. And soon flames. Instinct told me to grab you and rush out of the house. I was eight, you were barely one. And their door was a foot away from ours.
Hey little sister,
I have a confession to make. Much like mom, I sneak around your back and read the messages in your phone and the letters you keep tucked in your wallet and that tin spongebob lunchcase. I never knew you felt pressured to do good in class. I thought you were naturally driven, being bossy and assertive and all. But what struck me most was a letter from one of your friends when you failed to graduate top of your class. I never wanted to set a bar for you to surpass.
Hey little sister,
I know we joke about it often but I do feel a tad bit hurt. You not wanting to end up like me - confused, aimless, yes, quite a loser. You told me you wanted to take up that three-letter course, be a scientist, and dabble with evolution and permutations. But after a quick look at me - stubborn to pursue what I thought I wanted yet ending up broke - you settled for another three-letter track to crunch numbers, add and minus dreams.
Hey little sister,
Remember when I got back from my trip last summer? You probably noticed how broken I was. I knew it was too much to ask, too much to expect that I, a grown-up man would seek solace in my little sister. And so perhaps confused, the best you could muster was a half-teasing yet stern warning: "Kuya, next time maging choosy ka naman kasi."
Hey little sister,
It has been months since dad retired. And now, we're left to sort out our finances. I was caught off-guard when you asked for money last night. I guess the allowance I set aside for you really ain't enough. I scoured my wallet but all I found were two 50's and three 20's. I managed to cough out a laugh.
Hey little sister,
It's me, kuya... merry christmas.
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