Monday, November 26


Right at this very instance, I feel that everything's gonna be ok; that feeling of joy brewing inside your chest.


And I am just grateful.

I've sort of reclaimed myself. A week or two ago, I was watching Awkward and Jenna pleaded to Matty, "Please tell me what's wrong with me." That after being "hidden" by Matty, and Jake breaking up with her. It summed up how I felt about myself. Really, what's wrong with me?

But now, at this very instance, I know that I am great. God's made me to be awesome. And at the end of the day - and forgive me, I mean this without the slightest bit of bitterness - it's really not my loss.


Friday, November 9

Living with HIV

In less than a week, two friends of friends died of lung failure, one of them I personally met. They fall under the at-risk demographic in the country: MSM, in their 20s and early 30s, professional.

I'd have to admit, I'm getting paranoid yet again. Although my recent encounters have been safe so far, I can't seem to dust off the idea that with how rampant HIV is right now, I too, with my anonymous casual trysts, am bound to have it. What I can't seem to come to terms with as well is the fact that these guys are supposed to be smart, they have jobs and they can therefore pay for rubber and lube. So the question is why? how?

Abstinence might just be the only foolproof way to avoid HIV or a monogamous relationship - sexual or otherwise - might do the trick. Reminds me of something I read somewhere: a relationship with no one means a relationship with everyone. Or that line from Lana Del Rey's Ride: "... I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone...."

But the thing is that I'm unattached. I'm not in a monogamous relationship. And I don't wanna be in one just so I can have sex and sleep soundly at night that I'm in no risk of HIV infection. In spite of my rather whorish ways, I can't reconcile the idea of a regular encounter with someone devoid of emotions or attachment... plus those who attempted to make a fubu out of me inevitably developed "feelings." So much for their warning not to fall in love with them. Lol. I'm just not fubu material, I think.

So we go back to finding a partner. And we go full circle. I don't want to look for one. If he comes, he comes. It's living life in open space, whoever comes is the right person; whenever it happens is the right time. But then what do I do while that moment is still in waiting? Be safe is still my best bet. Rubber and lube - at least I hope - will suffice.