Entropy Redux

Decay is natural and things inevitably mess up. Same goes with ill feelings: they are difficult to purge for they seem natural. And so we endeavor to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Sadness and hurt will pull  you down many times. But then we fight to keep things together. We defy the bad to return to what's good. And goodness starts with forgiveness. It will be difficult but it must be done... a many times until decay surrenders. I am tired. But it must be done... a many times until decay surrenders.

End

Friend I can't imagine your pain. I know no words can comfort you at this time... but then again I simply don't have words for I do not understand. All I can offer is to share in your pain, to be there when you need a listening ear. I can't wrap my head around what you're going through. All I know is that to grieve is your right... and that all emotions must be felt without having to worry about other people's judgment. I hold no judgment, you are safe with me, with us. I am happy that he chose to stand up for you, to stand by you in spite of your circumstance, despite his friends. That is an awesome testament of his love that not everyone can give. He gave to the very end, the best he can... for you.

Written in the Stars

 "You were right. It is all that I have left of her. All my feelings and love for Andrea were in my heart-" he rubbed his eyes-"and hate kills the heart. Even broken ones."

- Richard Paul Evans, Timepiece

I forgive you for making me feel dispensable.
I forgive you for making me compete for your attention.
I forgive you for getting tired, for giving up, for not exerting effort to make up.
I forgive you for making me feel the least of your priorities.
I forgive you for fizzling out in the end.
I forgive you for dragging me into your life's mess.
I forgive you for having me just when you feel like it or whenever it's convenient to you.
I forgive you for planting in me little seeds of hope.
I forgive you for making me sad, for making me feel left out, for making me feel just one of them boys.
I forgive you for taking me then leaving me because you realized I deserve the best and you chose not to be the best.
I forgive you for your broken words, in the end I really was the meantime boy.
I forgive you for your conflicted nature, for knowing what to do yet doing nothing.
I forgive you for your truth and for feeling helpless about it.
I forgive you.

"You must forgive him if you are ever to be free of him. We are chained to that which we do not forgive."

- Richard Paul Evans, The Locket

I told Mark that I'm having a hard time trying to be happy for you. He told me, it's totally fine; it's not my obligation. But he assured me that there will come a time when I'll be genuinely happy for you and that I should wish you well because that's what I would want to wish for myself... to be well.

"I know I'm perfect and not without sin. But now that I'm older, all childish things end and tell Him, tell Him I need Him, tell Him I love him... it will be alright..."

Know that I pray for your happiness. I trust His hand in all these. I myself realized that I won't want to have you broken. I'd rather see you happy, in joy. Life will go on for me. Know that I am ok. I wanted you to feel guilty and see me suffer, for you to own the pain you've caused me. But that's petty and immature. Be free of guilt. I am strong... and if I find that I am not, I will try.

"The words enraged MaryAnne. 
'So much to have lost. Everything I held dear is now only a memory.'
'Memories are what we trade our mortality for. What I would do for just memories.'
'Even when they bring such pain?'
Fresh tears fell down MaryAnne's cheek, but the woman only glared at her. Her hard countenance revealed no sympathy. 'There are things worse than pain.'"

- Richard Paul Evans, The Letter

Own

If God wills that I see through this pain and sadness to forever, then by His grace I will endure it. And I can be at peace with myself knowing that I've been nothing but good to you. I loved you fully without second thoughts or reservations. Iningatan kita. I might have been shortchanged, I might have been a mere accessory, there might have been another guy for all I know, pero ok lang. I can hold my head high knowing that I can and did give... in spite of. And even just for that, I am proud, proud that I've been good to you and who knows, that I still am an even better catch. But then A says it's really not about "me" for I've done my part, gave everything I could possibly give. It's about having someone who'd stick by you, someone who won't run at the slightest flick of inconvenience.

Pascal said, "the heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." My heart still wrings with why, why everything happened and ended and why everything seems so easy for you and so difficult for me. M says you still want to go on a lot of adventures but somehow thinks of me before diving into them. I don't want to restrain you even if that means I could never be in your life... come to think of it, I've never really been a part of your life. So go ahead, be free to take on the world and what you wish to make out of it... free of I and the baggage that having me entails. I wrestle with the need to understand but I guess that's really not important. Owning my story, His story, would suffice.

This.

Why So Expensive?

I can't afford culinary school :(

Me on TV?

My first job was with government: contract work, low-paying, no benefits. But in that more or less year and a half stint, I was able to expose myself to a host of learning opportunities. The office was kind, that way. My boss even recruited me into a program sponsored by a think-tank in Hawaii wherein they gather "up-and-coming" analysts the world over to well, analyze things. Lol.

Yeah, I was "up-and-coming" and I was a "young leader." My only beef was that I didn't want to be one. There was something about analyzing things and talking about them that just didn't cut it for me. Being an armchair analyst was frustrating. All recommendatory, nothing much done.

And so I decided to shift gears and that's how I ended up where I'm at.

Last week, I was surfing channels when I came across Al Jazeera and thought I saw a familiar face. Here was a Taiwanese guy talking about their elections and the overall security environment in the region especially vis-a-vis China. That familiar guy, could it be Rocky? It might be Rocky or I could be wrong. I mean, the guy's over a cable news channel, taken in as an expert! Seriously, it can't be him... but then again, he's talking Taiwan stuff and that square jaw, sleeked back hair and barely there glasses are all too familiar!

I waited for about ten more minutes, listening in, trying hard to find clues as to this guy's identity and then there it was: "As Rocky mentioned...." One of the other guests referenced him. Yep, it was him alright.

I'm not one to live in regrets and much as I still haven't doused that nagging I-could-be-great-but-why-am-I-stuck-here feeling, I'm finally feeling my inner self settle. But then again, I wonder how it feels rambling over cable news... international superstardom anyone? Lol