Friday, January 29


I've been scaring myself silly for the past few nights. I even cried in bed. When Perf de Castro started strumming Kaleidescope World, the tears just had to give in.

What if I've been misdiagnosed for the past 3 months?

Nurse friend told me to take the test already, just for peace of mind. Told him, I'm not emotionally prepared. Then I remembered he was finishing his master's in psych nursing. There was no way out.

I'm waiting for his go signal. I guess I really am taking the test soon.

Tuesday, January 26

Flam Glam Femme

Was on my way home after a night out when I saw one of my little sister's guy friends having a "date" at some sidestreet bakery with his, I guess, boyfriend. It was already five in the morning.

I jokingly pointed at him, gave him a knowing smile, and mouthed that I'd tell my sister about this little trick he was pulling.

"Nakita ko si Eric may ka-date kaninang madaling araw."

"Oo nga, nakita ka rin daw niya. Sabi, 'Iyong kuya mo, baklang-bakla na.'"

Ah, ok...

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't caught off guard. We're very open about "me" at home and I'm quite lucky because I never had the proverbial closet to begin with. My parents didn't need a memo. No coming out stories. No big reveals. I guess they already figured out that growing up, I was to become... flam, glam, femme!

What got me thinking was the comparative drift in Eric's note: "Baklang-bakla NA." Does that mean I wasn't that bakla before? Am I getting worse? Or perhaps just getting better?

Yet in spite of my relative openness, there are some who still don't get it. One time after reporting in class, a girl friend approached me and said, "Alam mo Darc hindi ka naman halata eh."

Ah, ok...

I'm being presumptuous but, for real, I felt a tinge of sadness, a hint of pleading as she told me that. It must be true, there aren't a lot of straight guys left. The good ones are gay. And because of that lack of choices, we are made to suffer...

Please, let us be!
I don't want a girl!
I wanna be a girl!
Can we just be friends? :)


"Nakita ko si Eric may ka-date kaninang madaling araw."

"Oo nga, nakita ka rin daw niya. Sabi, 'Iyong kuya mo, baklang-bakla na.' Tapos biglang hiningi number mo. Sabi ko na lang magagalit ka."

Ah ok...

Monday, January 25

Coffee Date

Vindication is when psycho-ex sends you a message over facebook, tells you that he thought he saw you today, and asks if you'd want to catch up over coffee.

Sorry psycho-ex but apart from that lame pick up line of mistaking me for someone you saw, I think I'll be enjoying my next decaf macchiato with someone other than you.

Thank you.

Thursday, January 21

Lunch Roast

I honestly can't recall the last time someone asked me why I don't have a girlfriend. I mean come on! Isn't it obvious? Do I have to spell it out for you?

But then, it just had to happen.

In the pantry right after lunch, I was having coffee with our accountant. He's a family-man, probably in his late 30s, with 3 kids. He was reading the paper when out of nowhere he asked, "Darc ano sports mo?"

I answered with a sly smile.

He asked again, "Eh girlfriend meron?"

"Wala sir."

"Kahit noong college?"

"Wala rin sir."

"Eh ganito na lang, may nagustuhan ka ba pero feeling mo hindi ka pa ready ligawan?"

I'm pretty sure it was because of the coffee. I started to sweat.

"May ganun ba sir? Hindi pa ready manligaw?"

"Eh kunwari you were stranded on an island, sino sa officemates natin ang gusto mong makasama? Si Cathy or si Rose?"

I was tempted to say none of the above. Of course it was the lesser evil.

"Si Cathy sir, mas mabait."

"Ah, sige. Sabihin ko kay Cathy ligawan ka na niya. Tinanong kasi namin siya minsan ang sabi: 'Kung si Darc pa manligaw sa 'kin baka sagutin ko.'"

The room started spinning. I wanted to throw up.

Quick Wish

Dear Bro,

I wanna be like Mariel.
She's a smart bitch.
Bless her soul.

You're goody-two-shoes son,


Wednesday, January 20

I'm Metal Mouth

No more.

When I dropped by my dentist for the routine adjustment last week, I was expecting my braces to be ligated and stay as such for another six months. But surprise surprise, she told me that I could already have it removed so long as I religiously wear my retainers. That made my day.

Now, my teeth hurt much like the first day I had my braces on. My gums are mush and these retainers are irritating as hell. Add to that my new-found Coco Martin speech which Ms. Dentist said would normalize in a week or two.

But then you got to do, what you got to do. And I'm just happy to be free of yet another "thing." I wonder what's next? The only problem is I feel less geeky. I think I should get thick-rimmed glasses to bring back my nerdy self.

On other news, I had Journalism 101 of sorts from an editor of a major daily. She was helping us out on a book project and when I asked her if she enjoyed writing, she went on with a lecture on how she arrived at what she's doing and how ethics is a must for journalists. Two things she mentioned struck me most.

One. Finishing her masters in France didn't do anything to improve her writing. For her, higher studies was more for personal improvement rather than to hone her craft.

Two. If a person gets reprimanded for doing wrong yet continues to do it over and over again, it's either of two things: he's plain stupid or he has a hidden agenda.

But what if you're both? Spell love, anyone?

Monday, January 18

Wide Open Spaces

I was never into sports for obvious reasons. I was frail and the boys would probably crush me if I dared dip my toes into basketball or whatever brute activity they were into.

But I like football. I love the wide open field. I love the smell of grass. I love how changing the earth was. One minute it's caking with dust but after a little drizzle, it would turn muddy.

I remember one scorching afternoon. A breeze picked up some dirt and a couple of leaves. It swirled up and in a split-second, towered like a mini-hurricane. A dust devil of sorts. I tried to chase it but I was too slow. After just a couple of strides, it vanished. Just some dried up leaves raining down to remember it.

And there was this one time during PE class when I tried to catch the ball with my chest. I jumped as high as I could but even my head couldn't touch the ball. It landed a couple of meters behind me... into some guy's foot that kicked it with such immense force. It hit my back. And I was sent down from my jump, reeling from a stabbing backpain.

One time, I trooped before the rest of the class as we made our way to the football field. I ran as fast as I could until my feet could no longer keep up with my pace. I tripped. The next thing I knew, my elbows were already bleeding. I rolled over several times just so they'd think I purposely dived into the field.

And there were countless times when everyone's gone home and I'd stare into the field. Just there, staring.

Thursday, January 14


I did it and I'm happy to report that I am A-Ok!

I opened my ex's blog and read through each entry. God, what my friends told me were true. He did want to kill me. Imagine, he even wrote something like "I wanna stab a blade through him. Right now, I can hear his bones crunch!" Psycho-much? Good thing I had the sense to run away from him the moment I sobered up.

He found someone new a week or two after we broke up. "Never felt this loved," he wrote. Good for him, I thought. But then he's again single. He was the one who broke up with the new guy. The nerve! Paging anonymous, he was the one who broke up with my replacement. What can you say huh?!

He'd be leaving for his PhD abroad. Again, good for him. I don't know if I told him this before but I made plans. If and when he gets a grant for his PhD, I too would apply for a sholarship myself and follow him wherever he'd go. So much for romantic journeys. Ugh, I cringe.

On a more serious note, I dived into that relationship against my friends' advice simply because I fell for his writing. The honesty. The vulnerability. And there I was, armed with my Messianic complex. I'd comfort you. Take care of you. And that whole comforting and caring lasted for more or less three years. Until I can no longer stand the fact that he kept hanging on to an unrequited love which kept on resurrecting in random guys he came across with. Yep, no touching, no infidelity. Just some serious emotional blackmail.

Note to self: save yourself first!

And what I wrote before stands true. I clicked on the comments section. Darc as minced-meat. Someone even wrote: "Do yourself a favor and stay clear of people who cause you nothing but hurt." Again, paging anonymous, what say you?

But yeah, I guess I've moved on. I got choked when I typed his address and there was a gnawing feeling as the page uploaded one text at a time. But then it must have been the anticipation. The feeling of loneliness and hurt? Didn't bite me at all.

And I have my cybercelebrities to thank for it. In my lowest of lows, at a time when I thought I'd never find someone else who can move me, your words gave me a familiar sense of honesty and vulnerability. And that was way before I opened up this little corner in the blogosphere. Yep, to my original seven, I've been stalking you since early last year! Hehe.

And so as I celebrate this rather happy event, here's a little secret on how I landed on your pages.

One of my bosses is a blogger. On his list of links, I saw Aris, E, Misterhubs, and Badinggerzie. From there, I clicked on Tristan and Mugen. From Mugen, I saw Rain Darwin and Lukayo. I also got hooked on Turismoboi until he shut down his space. The rest, I crossed paths with when I already had this little thing set up. But I'd have to say, I am awed by the talent circling on this side of the blogosphere. Hopping from one post to another, I can't help but be touched by the stories and insights everyone has to offer. So with much appreciation. I thank you guys for your generosity.

And oh, my original cybercrush still stands and he is...

Wednesday, January 13

Stalker Song

If your blog had a theme song, what would it be?
I just found mine!


Are you just a habit?
Or some kind of addiction?
Can't seem to get you out of my system
What could you have done to me?
Feels so stuck like glue
Turn the pages in my head and there's only you
I don't care
I would do anything to be near you
I would go anywhere to be near you

Am I truly hopeless?
Am I being pathetic?
Are you even aware of my existence?
Would mean everything to me
If you spend a little time
Could you give in to me with the least resistance?


I would do anything
I would go anywhere to be near you
I would do anything, go anywhere
I don't care
I would do anything, anything, go anywhere
I don't care to be near you
Just to be near you

Yep, I'm eating up all my fears of coming off as a desperate attention-seeking fanboi. This is full on stalker mode. Hehe

Monday, January 11

Mixed Emotions

I asked him if he was ok. Stupid question. Of course he's not. He's sulking on his bed without his shirt on, with unkempt hair, looking dazed. He asked me to stand guard by the comfort room's door. He needed to take a bath but he was too scared to be alone. I knew that feeling. I remember one night when I crawled my way to my sister's bed because I was too scared to be alone in the dark. I needed to feel a semblance of security. I needed someone to lean on to lest I breakdown and lose it.


"He added me on facebook. Should I confirm his invite?"

"Well, you told me you have moved on. Besides it's Christmas," I answered back.


"Guess what? He changed his status from single to in a relationship. At about the same time, JM did the same thing. And I know that they knew each other way before. You think they're together?" he asked Lia.

"I don't know but Carmie said that JM's new boyfriend is a nursing student from XXX."

"He's a nursing student!"

And then Lia revealed something totally unexpected.

"Are you guys my friends?"

"Oo naman."

"Nasa akin ba ang loyalties niyo?"

"Tinatanong pa ba iyan?"

"Kasi alam niyo, for over a year now JM has been diagnosed as HIV positive."


My friends and I go back for more than a decade already. Most of us met in gradeschool and we practically grew up together. Lia's younger brother went to the same school and had his own circle. JM was in that younger circle. Interestingly, that younger circle sort of paralleled our group. We identified who our younger selves were just as the kids identified who among us older guys were most similar to them.

JM was my parallel. Smart. Geeky. Silent.


Hay, I know I've been rambling. I can't think straight but I know I have to write this one down. My heart sank when I heard the news but I know I can't barge on JM, console him, give him a hug. That would be betraying Lia's trust and in turn, JM's trust on Lia. I honestly don't know what to feel. I'm choked up. I wan't to cry. He's too young. Just 23. And I'm scared because I see myself in him. What if I end up just like him? I feel for JM, I really do. Lia told stories of JM attending sessions in Alabang to get his meds. How he'd have adverse reactions to the drugs which at one point caused his nose to bleed. How he hasn't told his parents and how difficult that must have been.

And then there's the friend's ex who's most probably JM's present. JM's responsible. He never striked me as someone who'd risk another. But then friend knew his ex. And so the whole "responsibility" thing creeps in. From our end, we know that we're not in the position to do an intervention. Even if he's the ex, he has no right to just barge into JM's new-found relationship. But what if JM has not really told friend's ex? Should we unburden ourselves of this would-be guilt?

I really don't know. I feel so helpless.
I want to cry but I can't force the tears out.

I never knew HIV would hit us, hit me this close.

Wednesday, January 6

The Bokracy

My uncle's a former military officer. He didn't look the part. He was slim and far from being stern, he looked gentle and approachable. He used to call me "bok" when I was little. At first I thought it was a term of endearment from my grandparents' local dialect. They grew up in Bicol, a place I have no memories of visiting ever. Later, I found out that "bok" was how soldiers called each other. He's the only military guy in the family and it was weird that I was sort of groomed to be one myself. My most "remarkable" toddler pictures have me in fatigues and a crew cut. Remarkable only because now, when I look at them, I'd inevitably laugh. The would-be soldier, now... ME. That's why when I got my first job, I felt as if I've gone full circle.

I worked for the military for a year and a half.

It was exciting. In a way, it was rewarding. But as a gay guy in the most macho-chauvinist of institutions, it was inevitable to get sneered at. Worse, everything was behind my back.

I have no pretensions of being butch and I appreciate the respect I've earned from the officers and non-commissioned personnel I worked with. As what Corporate Closet wrote before, regardless of your lifestyle or sexual preference, if you do a good job, people would have little to zero chances of putting you down. The military is no exception. Some officers are progressive but some, well, they choose to keep the military's macho myth. Unfortunately for me, I was a pointed needle scratching their bubble. Once, I learned from a colleague that a certain sergeant tagged me as Facifica Falayfay. God, such an archaic reference! As much as I want to defend the handful of brilliant military people I've met, the many boo boos of their rather unenlightened kin offset the strides they make. Simply put, they're just that: a handful.

Case in point. On my first day at work, the entire office had a briefing on what to do during a forthcoming table top exercise with their American counterparts. Strategies? Check. Administrative arrangements? Check.

"Our OpCen is Room 108 of XXX Building."

And then one of my direct superiors asked:

"Sir, ano'ng floor po iyon?"

My fellow analysts started laughing on our end of the table, open for all the majors, colonels, and generals to see. Being the noob that I was, I tried to contain a chuckle. And then I thought, "What have I gotten myself into?"

Two words Darc: Military Intelligence.

Monday, January 4


Why do you hurt that much?

Friday, January 1

New Year Shuffle

My New Year song: This Year by Chantal Kreviazuk.

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away

And then I put my iPod on shuffle: Breathe by Michelle Branch.

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space in between
I'll know everything is alright

Next song: Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word by Elton John. Skip! Skip! Skip! It’s New Year for crying out loud!

Next song was the best: Everything In Its Time by Corrinne May.

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'Cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

Everything in its time

I really have a feeling that this year's gonna be great. And if it doesn't turn out so, then I have to make do. I will make it great.

Happy New Year!