Sunday, September 19

Temporal

Almost midnight and it was still raining. I had taken three steps from the cab, midway to our gate when a man, probably in his forties, stopped me. Admittedly, I was a bit shaken which he might have noticed given his rather unusual greeting.

"Hindi po ako masamang tao. Kailangan ko lang ng tulong."

His mother, a sampaguita vendor, was stabbed in front of a 7/11 store a couple of blocks from our place. He had solicited assistance from the Mayor for the funeral arrangements but still had to raise a couple of hundred for the undertaker's fee. He was fumbling over some sheets of paper: death certificate, a written "SOA" from the public cemetery and some more I didn't really bother to look into. He was trying to convince me of the veracity of his claim, trying to differentiate himself from the typical street fraud we've come to know.

And then teary-eyed, with a cracking voice, he suddenly pleaded, "Kung gusto niyo ho luluhod pa ako dito, tulungan niyo lang ako."

*****

Day in and day out, I struggle with the fact that I need to make something out of myself. I look around and see the things I lack, materially and otherwise. I guess it's a question of security... and it doesn't really help if at this age, I have nothing to show: zero savings, a thankless job and a general non-direction. And I often come to a point when I ask a series of why's: Why am I in this rut? Why can't I find that one big break? Why can't I provide for my family? Why is everyone else moving forward while I, I am left behind?

I've talked to a friend about this. I ranted, "Am I being materialistic?" To which he replied, of course not; having enough money gives you a sense of security. Again, it's about security. Security... why are you so hard to pin down? And there you have it, yet another why?!

I don't really want to go on rambling. After all, what I'm feeling is just a formless general sentiment. It's one part wanting, it's one part sadness, it's one part frustration over things material and otherwise.

*****

"Hindi na ho kailangan. Pagpasenyahan niyo na ho ito." I handed the guy a fifty-perso bill, not much but it was all I could spare. Everyone struggles and I'm still at a better place, much more blessed than a lot of people out there. I know this but then making peace with it is an all-together different matter.

I know I should know better... but I can't help it.

16 comments:

  1. awwwwww. naantig naman ang puso ko. hindi ko keri isipin what the guy was feeling at that time.

    share lang ng share ng blessings. babalik sa'yo yan ng bonggang bongga :)

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  2. "There is no security in life, only opportunity." - Mark Twain

    Learn it. Live it. Love it, Darc.

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  3. teary eyed here kaya ako ayoko ng may sumasalubong ng ganyan ckn kasi super naawa me i sometimes give all my cash on hand hay!!!!!

    hugs!!!!!!!

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  4. We all get that, once in a while. That feeling of inadequacy, searching for meaning in what we do. It's relevance, or significance, and if it brings us closer to the life we dream of. The challenge is to find that meaning in yourself, and work to validate that meaning.

    You're lucky you still have a job. I'll be losing mine in a month. With a family to upkeep, and an nonexistent saving, times would be hard. Be thankful for what you have.

    Life, it seems, is a choice.

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  5. When confronted with reality that I live less than I deserve, I just tell myself that there are other ways to remain content. :) As you grow older, you will get to figure things out.

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  6. ang bait mo naman,samin dati nagbabahay bahay pa sila carrying letters ek ek.pero we dont give,kasi baka style lang e.pero yun lumapit siya mukhang geuine naman,and besides if nanloloka sila,atleast ikaw true sa sarili mo pagtulong...

    anyway,thats exactly why i decided to work abroad,zero savings and i cant even give money to my family...

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  7. "Kung gusto niyo ho luluhod pa ako dito, tulungan niyo lang ako."

    Nayanig ako dito. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung nangyari sa akin yan.

    Hope you get out of that rut soon.

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  8. I copied this part, with the intention of pasting it here. Then I realized Manech has done the same.

    'And then teary-eyed, with a cracking voice, he suddenly pleaded, "Kung gusto niyo ho luluhod pa ako dito, tulungan niyo lang ako."'

    I think that, despite myself, I would cry. Jeez.

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  9. um, where do i start?

    @nimmytots: yep, and i love that you're always happy and positive about things! naantig talaga ha? :P

    @rudeboy: yes, sir. still learning it, living it. trying to love it...

    @conio: di ba, sadness talaga? i remember one time sa bus may namigay ng envelopes some time june. sabi, konting tulong lang po para sa pasukan. hay, my heart breaks when it's about kids studying. ayan iiyak na ako uli. tsk...

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  10. @red: hey, much luck and be well! God will make a way! :)

    @Mu[g]en: ouch, at the risk of sounding all too important, that's exactly it: living a life less than i deserve. i guess i need to rewire myself to make peace with what i have. super thanks!

    @Mac: yep, that's right. kung hindi man totoo iyong paghingi at least alam nating totoo iyong pagtulong natin! you take care there ok?! :)

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  11. @Manech: naku, muntik na nga ako mag-panic nung sinabi niya iyon, umuulan pa naman nun!

    @victor: talagang despite yourself? sira ka talaga. lol :P

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  12. "Kung gusto niyo ho luluhod pa ako dito, tulungan niyo lang ako."

    Like Manech and Victor, nayanig din mundo ko dito. Grabe, poor guy.

    Ans sama man pakinggan, sometimes all we need is a reminder of how good we have it. Nakarelate ako in the sense na ilang years na akong nagwowork pero I have no savings or anything. Sometimes, gusto ko mag-complain but then I realize na I should just learn to be happy with what I have. Di pa rin naman ako ready for the next level eh.

    Wait, nayayanig parin ako dun sa mama. :c

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  13. heya nyl. we missed you :) well, yeah, hope they get better. on a happy note, i'm still thinking of that letter, the magic in the room teaching you what love is. sweetness. hehe

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  14. Oo nga. Haven't heard from u guys in ages.

    Naks naman.. umabot dito yung magic. hihi

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  15. I had been helping people and I don't expect anything in return but some will become abusive and that's not nice. Balance is the key- knowing when to give, how much help to offer, and realizing what's more important in life.

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