Suicide Thoughts

Came across some stuff online about my ex wanting to google my place of work and drink some concoction that will make his mouth froth... and die. Scared I am.

In other news, I've come to the conclusion that I'm most comfortable being the one left behind. I mean it's always been like that and I'm getting comfortable being dumped after quite some time. Lol. What's wrong with me? I'm gullible and naive, that's what. But hey, it's all good.

And in still other news, I am so domesticated. One of my friends' moms asked me what I enjoy doing and if I had an ideal job, what would it be. Told her that I feel calm when I wash the dishes or clean the house or cook. I'd pass off as a great housekeeping staff! Hehe. And then she blurted out, "Hay anak, you want to be a housewife." Lol.

And finally, this one's for YOU! ;)

Whoa uh oh oh whoah uh oh oh... we don't even have to try, it's always a good time! :D

Busy Bug

Nanay thought that it would help so she gave me a copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" a couple of days after my ex dumped me. Breezed through it and surprise surprise, I made the major mistake of getting back with my ex. Christ-like love was what the book was about and I erroneously thought that it meant sticking it out even if he already chose some other guy over me. But that aside - and I've learned since that you have to take care of yourself first so that you could do more good - one of the lessons I've kept from that book is the notion of time, of giving it, of investing it.

Simply put, "being there with you in 'spirit'" is a major fallacy. When you say you love someone, you make them feel important, and that importance is felt only by giving them your time. Lip service = a major no no. Notice the age old family rant of parents being good providers but not being able to spend time with their kids? There you go. It's about walking the talk, of putting your money where your mouth is, and some other cliche about meaning what you say.

Oh and speaking of cliches, actions speak louder than words. Haha

Busy not to attend to you but able to do other things. Yeah right, busy. It's really a matter of choice. And again, you were the lesser - sometimes least - priority.

Tadah!

Bitterness Extreme

Perhaps it veils bitterness, but you get to see what's cheap and turn away from that. And yes sweetie, a text message is cheap. Talk is cheap, what more your messages? And as Warren Buffet apparently said, honesty is expensive, you can't expect it from cheap people. All talk plus a life founded on lies. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what you are. Such a laughable attempt to make amends. Cheap.

.

.

.

And me writing this down makes me no different. But I purge this thought to coax the bitterness out of me. I do not deserve this that's why I move on.

The Pride of Pain

Getting hurt is a wonderful experience.

When you've hit rock-bottom, you got no way but up. And in that slow ascend, you get to touch base with how it is to be human. You get to understand other people's experiences as seen not just through pain but through the shared struggle of rising up and fighting back. That's when you learn compassion and that's when you learn what victory really is. That type of winning that comes from outside yourself... the blessing of being free.

Suddenly, you got your game face back on again. You say to yourself - and this time with dogged conviction - that you can throw things my way, make a fool out of me, drag me into your life's messes, manipulate, and prey on me but come final accounting, I'm the one who can look you in the eye and say, I am capable of giving... I can give more.

And in that state of grace, you rediscover your worth. You gain perspective and strip yourself off of the petty things that weigh you down. And you. do not. stop.

"Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter

Here comes a fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

This one's a fighter."

- The Fighter, Gym Class Heroes/Ryan Tedder

An Almost Epic Fail

Meeting new people in work has been a staple. For the past 4 years or so, I've found myself setting appointments with people referred by referrals. Just recently, this executive of a local conglomerate hosted a meeting and I actually felt quite comfortable with him. Perhaps it's because of him being soft-spoken or the fact that he removed his shoes as soon as he sat down - something I typically do in the office - that made me see myself in him. It was classic mirroring and there was a tug in me that said, "Darc, behold your future!" And so I automatically assumed that he's gay. In fact, I told myself that I'd try to be chummy with him when we meet for the second time.

Then came the second time.

I told a friend about this mirrored self and asked him to look him up over Facebook just to test the veracity of my claim. He looked Mr. Executive up, checked, and replied back with a text message that said: "He's married with a kid." Shortly after that message, one of those we were meeting with pointed to Mr. Executive's laptop and asked, "Whose kid is that?" Mr. Executive replied, "Mine, she's two and a half already. Makulit na nga."

At that point I realized, I almost did a major faux pas. I can't imagine the embarrassment have I tried being chummy with Mr. Executive on the premise that he too is gay. But then, married gay men are a dime a dozen these days, right? But still, I never had the right to trespass that private matter. Anyway, all I could think of after was how happy my Nanay would be as soon as I tell her this episode. Yes, she's still hoping that I'd be married one day, have kids and all that jazz. Her knowing that I saw myself in someone married with a kid would surely feed "those" thoughts... again. Hmmm, getting married and having kids.... hmmm....

NOT.