Relativity

Every morning I see an old lady squatting near our rented place, slicing vegetables and packing them up. I figured she must've been an ambulant vendor selling her goods around the neighborhood, going door to door offering her ready-to-cook meals. Later, I found out from Nanay that the old lady was actually from Pasig and that she'd bring her wares of fish, meat and vegetables from that end of the metro to our side here in Mandaluyong. The pre-sliced vegetables were actually partnered with a bag of noodles. It was a lomi or pansit set that one could cook without the hassle of peeling and dicing the ingredients.

Manang was enterprising, I thought. But beyond being impressed, quite oddly, I felt a tinge of sadness and shame. Here's an old lady trying to make ends meet, already up and about in the wee hours of the morning while I was still sulking in my bed doing my emo overload.

Not that my pain goes away by seeing someone suffering a heavier cross. Far from it, I don't entirely believe in looking at others' plight to make you feel better. I guess, at best, moments like this push you to count the blessings you've been enjoying so far. And by looking at what you have - devoid of any semblance of comparison or relative satisfaction - you get to hang on a little bit longer.

The pain remains but then you find reasons to hang on.

Pangarap

Salamat sa pagtupad ng isang pangarap. Saglit man, ramdam ko na tunay. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, naramdaman kong may nagmahal sa akin nang lubusan at totoo. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, nagmahal ako nang lubusan at totoo.

Maraming bagay ang hindi ko makakalimutan. Mga sandaling nakatatak na sa pagkatao ko. Mga sandaling kailanman ay hindi mabubura ng panahon.

Sa bawat yakap at halik na pinagsaluhan natin, sana'y maalala mo na may isang taong nakabantay sa iyo, naghihintay, nangungulila, nalulumbay.

Gusto kitang ipaglaban ngunit kahit ang pagkakataon ay tutol.

Iwaksi ko man nang pilit, patuloy pa ring ginigising ng puso ko ang pag-aasam na sana balang araw, magkasama pa rin tayo. Sa kailaliman ng gabi, kaagapay ng pagtulog na sa ngayo'y ako'y nilisan, ikaw ang iniisip ko, ikaw ang nasa puso ko.

Kailangan kong maging matatag, gayon din ikaw. Kahit pa hindi ko alam kung papaano, pipilitin kong subukan. Naliligaw man ang puso ko, ang isip ko, ang pagkatao ko, pipilitin kong subukan.

Mahal na mahal kita. Sobra sobra... higit pa sa alam mo.

22 May 2010

I bought a couple of herbs probably a week or two ago and I noticed that my water mints quickly turned yellow and wilted. One by one the leaves fell. With even the slightest tap, they flew down from the stalks to kiss the ground.

But then, this morning I noticed, they were actually getting taller. And the nodes from which the wilted leaves fell sprouted baby roots that now try to anchor itself to the soil.

I guess some dying really needs to take place for some growth. Some wilting needs to take place in order to grow some roots and be taller.

*****

And that pinch in my heart almost took over this morning. Singing God Blessed the Broken Road while walking uphill toward the office, my eyes again welled up.

Courage and faith, Darc.

You gotta have courage to push on in spite of the hurt.
You gotta have faith that this broken road you again found yourself in will someday lead straight to your Northern Star.

I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. God has placed me here for a reason. I've lifted my pain to Him and His will shall restore my heart. I claim His healing. And I know that someday, in His time, I shall be at peace.

*****

Back in fourth grade, our class adviser gave out cards to remember her by. I know that God works through people and that that card I received was meant for me. I've had the blessed opportunity to meet some of you beyond the confines of this space, and this prayer will probably explain to you why I am who I am.

I've been saying this prayer since I was a little kid and everytime I find myself in states such as this, I hold on to the promise that I must be a good person... or at least try to be like Him.

Teach me, my Lord, to be sweet and gentle in all the events of life: in disappointments, in the thoughtfulness of others, in the insincerity of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those on whom I relied.

Let me put myself aside, to think of the happiness of others, to hide my little pains and heartaches, so that I may be the only one to suffer them.

Teach me to profit by the suffering that comes across my path. Let me so use it that it may mellow me, not harden nor embitter me; that it may make me patient, not irritable, that it may make me broad in my forgiveness, not narrow, haughty and overbearing. May no one be less good for having come within my influence. No one less pure, less noble for having been a fellow-traveller in our journey toward eternal life.

As I go my rounds from one distraction to another, let me whisper, from time to time, a word of love to You. May my life be lived in the supernatural, full of power for good, and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen.

The Science of Pascal

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of...

But I need to.
I have to.
For you and your future...

Of which I will never be a part of.

Saving Private Darc

Alright, I admit. I'm a little OC. Take note: just a little tiny wee bit OC. I guess that's why I survived working for the military. I love the order, the clear line of command, the authority and expectations.

However, while the OC in me finds comfort in the structured environment, to say that my work life then was monotonous isn't exactly true.

Tried traversing EDSA from Santolan to the Intercon in 15 minutes during rush hour?

I did... and it wasn't exactly fun.

The boss had a speaking engagement and I was finalizing his presentation when all of a sudden, my supervisor told me that I'd be riding with the boss in his van. Cool, I thought! But that was until they opened the van's door.

Security escorts, some of them in full battle gear with armalites and what have you inside. And I was supposed to sandwich myself between them?!

Good God! I told myself, what if we got ambushed? I didn't want to be headline news for a sniper job gone wrong!

And that whole security shuffle didn't end there.

Ever had company outings? Of course you probably had. But then, ever had company outings with a small group of rangers with M16s and the works patrolling the beach just in case a band of rebels decide to drop by?! Sounds like a fun party right?

And the most intense ride I probably had was when we did some consultations in Quezon. Yep, NPA country here I come! Beautifully packed in a van of armalites... again, just in case the heaven's decided that I'd look awesome in an ambush scene.

*****

If you happen to see soldiers around, you can determine their rank by looking at their uniform...

2 triangles = Second Lieutenant
3 triangles = Captain
1 sun = Major
2 suns = Lieutenant Colonel
3 suns = Colonel
1 star = Brigadier General
2 stars = Major General
3 stars = Lieutenant General
4 stars = General

From what I know, the 4-star General rank is reserved for the Chief of Staff.

And then, if you find yourself going around the country, here's the area commands:

NOLCOM (Norther Luzon)
SOLCOM (Souther Luzon)
NCRCOM (NCR)
WESCOM (Palawan)
CENTCOM (Visayas)
EASTMINCOM (Eastern Mindanao)
WESMINCOM (Western Mindanao)

Previously EASTMINCOM and WESMINCOM were joined together as the SOUTHCOM. But then for "strategic" reasons, they divided it up since the security situation in Mindanao wasn't uniform across the region. It's for greater focus, I guess.

And for what are these useless trivia?

In case you get stuck at a checkpoint, you might find it useful to do some impromptu skit and act as if you knew someone from the military. I think approaching security forces with a tad bit of familiarity creates some kind of rapport especially during heightened alerts.

Or if not, do as I do. When I board cabs and feel as if manong driver's unnecessarily snaking around the metro or if he's giving me an attitude, I'd pick up my phone and pretend to have received a call from some military officer and talk about military office stuff, drop a name or two and act is if I should've been where I was supposed to be hours ago.

Kinda works for me. From a scowl upon boarding to a "thank you sir" upon reaching your drop off point, the pseudo-phone conversation often drives home the point.

And the point is?

I'm schizo. Sue me!

:p

Cracking Dawn

The sky was struggling to find light when I arrived at his dorm. In my right hand was a java frap as he told me to bring, in my heart a weary pounding of anticipation.

We talked... or better yet, I talked. No. I pleaded.

And then I cried, unmindful of the slowly awakening morning, unmindful of the watchful eyes that saw mine well up.

We moved to the oval as joggers and families bustled into the place. Again, I teared up while all he did was... stare.

And just as the heaven's planned, I was a joke to him and an amusement to all.

I stood up, crumpled my jacket and walked away... hitting every lamp post as I took in the stares of a morning I shall remember.

Yes friend, I did cry in public... more than you know, more than I try to forget.

Mistaken Identity

I've been mistaken for a medrep twice.

Once, while waiting outside my doctor's clinic, an elderly woman asked me, "Mahirap ba ang buhay ng medrep?"

Um, how should I know?!

Of course I kept that to myself.

Another time, the clinic staff asked me if I was to present something.

Present what?! Present my symptoms?!

With a shy smile, the other staff corrected her, "Patient iyan huy!"

What's with me looking like a medrep? Is this my true calling?

But then just this morning, as I boarded a cab going to UP, manong driver asked me if I was to drop off at the College of Law.

Atty. Darc?

Hmmmm....

And there goes a non-sense post. Hahahaha :P

Let Me Generalize

Sometimes I wish I was straight... because girls like me more than boys.

I seek your indulgence. Let me generalize.

Boys like the tough bad boys. They like them rough and hard. Girls, meanwhile, like the nerdy soft-spoken kid. They like the goody-two-shoes nice guy. And don't even get me started with ladies 30 years and older. Seems that my market really is moms and their ilk.

Back in college, one of my classmates showed her Chinese mom my picture and when she told her mom that I was kinda treading the he/she divide, all her mom could say was, "Sayang naman." And then there's this one time when we had our org's Christmas party in one of our member's house somewhere along EDSA, she went to the kitchen to check on some of the food and when she came back she had a grin on her face. With a slight chuckle, she reported to everyone that her mom told her that her friends from school were kinda gwapo, especially the one with glasses. "Um, ok." That was all I was able to say. And then just recently, when I had a sleepover with college blockmates, our host's older sister who already had a family of her own, apparently told him a familiar line: "Gwapo pala mga kaklase mo eh," to which my girl classmate quickly replied, "Ate, iyong isa po dun hindi papayag na gwapo siya; maganda po!"

Seriously, I need to re-assess my options and how I position myself. The product is more "sellable" to the she-side of the market. A re-branding might be in order.

On a different note, I'm kinda tired of being a push-over. I keep on telling myself that petty things affect petty minds but then people don't seem to get that idea. They often pay attention to those who make a whole lot of noise. But then empty drums bang the loudest. So I guess another re-branding is in order. Machiavelli says it's better to be feared than to be loved. Times like this, I feel that for me to get what I want, for me to have things my way, I need to act a little tougher. I'm kinda tired of thinking that, hey maybe she's got things bothering her today that's why she's abrasive, I'll take the high road and take on the flak. But then nice guys finish last. I'm tired of finishing last.