I was drenched in rain, onboard an FX taxi that found itself sliding down the EDSA-Shaw flyover, when I thought of Paolo Coelho's Eleven Minutes and how he said that we often intertwine love with pain when the former brings only wonderful things, beautiful moments.
At that point, I remembered one of our retreat facilitators last March. Sharing her own life journey as she told us to embrace and own our stories, she mentioned how God blessed her to fall in love again after a failed relationship a couple of years before.
That got me thinking, maybe that's why we equate love with pain, because we see it as an entitlement rather than as a blessing. When you feel entitled to receive love and experience it, you find yourself terribly frustrated when you don't have it. When you lose love, you feel devastated. As you wait for love, you wrestle with impatience.
In my heart of hearts, I want to believe this. That love is a blessing and not an entitlement. That way, you get to treasure every waking moment with that special someone... because he is a gift, not something you've earned and can earn again. That way, you forget to account for things that he does or fails to do... simply because you feel no need to.
I know this is way easier said than done. And once you've known pain or have come to know love through pain, relationships can easily turn from enjoying that gift to sustaining it. And then love does become a battlefield. You end up scarred yet again... bleeding, fighting, gasping to survive.
Perhaps nothing really is permament in our mortal lives. Everything is temporary... even love may be fleeting. But in spite of this, if you see love as a blessing, then as I always say, the pain may be no less real, but at the very least you're left with something to hold on to. That the love you were gifted with may have found its way back to the One above but that in His time, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, another blessing of the same skin might be yours.
To you, remember this, I take you as a blessing. Only through that can I tide the lingering pain, the pain of finding ourselves in no less than perfect circumstances. Because I choose to see the wonderful gift that you are... my flaws, your flaws and all.
“Pain and suffering are used to justify the only thing that should bring only joy: love.” - Paolo Coelho, Eleven Minutes
Thursday, July 29
Tuesday, July 27
Guardian Meets the Cybercelebrity
It's kind of reassuring to have a blog guardian, someone who keeps you grounded, who knows how you are in person way before you started pouring your heart out in an online journal. To a certain extent, my blog guardian keeps me in line, trying his very best (in spite of my hard-headedness) to steer me from diving into unwieldy situations as I meet people on this side of the web. Of course, he's never successful and I can only imagine his frustration - and amusement - as he tells me, "Hay, Darc, the things you get yourself into...."
Over the weekend, my blog guardian met two of my cybercelebrities whom I've come to consider as offline friends as well. Actually, as he put it, I chaperoned since he and his other "guardian" friends read one of them religiously. In fact, cybercelebrity 1 is the only blogger he reads and yep, he's a fan boy.
So we were having lunch: they were talking, I was making kulit. Then the conversation touched on how the online-offline gap was bridged, how it was possible to create real friendships out of the connections we make on this virtual space. Being a noob on these affairs, I listened in to cybercelebrity 1's thoughts: "I try to communicate with them... of course, only if they want to." Flimsy connections do need constant work, I thought.
Some more talk on choosing who to befriend and who remain mere acquaintances and then, I can't exactly remember how or why, blog guardian said: "I wasn't really that worried. I knew that somehow, it's the good people who'd gravitate toward Darc and his story."
My heart blushed. Guardian thinks I attract nice people. And that could only mean one thing: you, co-cyberpilgrims, are nice and the connection we have is something borne out of your desire to connect with someone with a good heart. Hehe. So much for being fluffy and sugary and sweet. Sorry, I can't help it :P
Over the weekend, my blog guardian met two of my cybercelebrities whom I've come to consider as offline friends as well. Actually, as he put it, I chaperoned since he and his other "guardian" friends read one of them religiously. In fact, cybercelebrity 1 is the only blogger he reads and yep, he's a fan boy.
So we were having lunch: they were talking, I was making kulit. Then the conversation touched on how the online-offline gap was bridged, how it was possible to create real friendships out of the connections we make on this virtual space. Being a noob on these affairs, I listened in to cybercelebrity 1's thoughts: "I try to communicate with them... of course, only if they want to." Flimsy connections do need constant work, I thought.
Some more talk on choosing who to befriend and who remain mere acquaintances and then, I can't exactly remember how or why, blog guardian said: "I wasn't really that worried. I knew that somehow, it's the good people who'd gravitate toward Darc and his story."
My heart blushed. Guardian thinks I attract nice people. And that could only mean one thing: you, co-cyberpilgrims, are nice and the connection we have is something borne out of your desire to connect with someone with a good heart. Hehe. So much for being fluffy and sugary and sweet. Sorry, I can't help it :P
Wednesday, July 21
Seriously?
There's something surreal about finding your way out of the mall after a last full show. Dim hallways with store signages crafting pockets of light. Going down several flights of escalators with the occasional security guard tracing where you're going. And then crossing the exit to find a light drizzle, a cool breeze as you pull over your hoodie and brave the midnight streets.
The jeepney suddenly stopped. A cab did the same a couple of seconds before us. We rushed to the other lane, passed by the cab to find a red box-type Toyota who did a counterflow. Weird. We were just beside a flyover. How could he possibly think of doing a counterflow? Or better yet, how in the world did he do it? Even weirder was how nonchalant the box-type's driver was. An old Chinese guy, probably in his 60's, platinum hair and all. He was sitting upright. No trace of worries in his face, clueless that he was actually in the wrong lane.
Wrong lane.
Not a minute has passed since that scene when all of a sudden, we found ourselves in front of a cement-mixer truck, parked perpendicular to the street.
Seriously now!
And upon reaching home, as I clasped the lever to open our gate, a stray cat jumped on me from the dark then slyly walked away.
It was Tuesday night... make that Wednesday "morning."
And now I'm at work, typing away, waiting for this laptop's screen to turn blue and restart on its own for the nth time. I pause and ask, how did I get here again?
The jeepney suddenly stopped. A cab did the same a couple of seconds before us. We rushed to the other lane, passed by the cab to find a red box-type Toyota who did a counterflow. Weird. We were just beside a flyover. How could he possibly think of doing a counterflow? Or better yet, how in the world did he do it? Even weirder was how nonchalant the box-type's driver was. An old Chinese guy, probably in his 60's, platinum hair and all. He was sitting upright. No trace of worries in his face, clueless that he was actually in the wrong lane.
Wrong lane.
Not a minute has passed since that scene when all of a sudden, we found ourselves in front of a cement-mixer truck, parked perpendicular to the street.
Seriously now!
And upon reaching home, as I clasped the lever to open our gate, a stray cat jumped on me from the dark then slyly walked away.
It was Tuesday night... make that Wednesday "morning."
And now I'm at work, typing away, waiting for this laptop's screen to turn blue and restart on its own for the nth time. I pause and ask, how did I get here again?
Monday, July 19
Block
Have you ever felt that you had so much to write but the right words just don't come to you? That's how I feel right now. It's the feeling you can't put a finger on. It's vague yet strangely familiar. The elephant in the room, big enough to stomp on you yet still it goes unnoticed... you go to great lengths to leave it unnoticed.
And then you ramble, offering a hodge-podge of sentiments, hoping that it could pass up for some pseudo-philosophical musing. But then did you really want it to be some intellectual preach-athon when you started to write just to let it all out, let all of you out?
Well i guess I'm just scared... scared to admit that for the first time, I want something I could never have. I want to hold on to you, erase everything you've been through, erase every doubt and confusion so that what would be left is me, just me.
Scared and selfish. Way to go Darc... way to go....
And then you ramble, offering a hodge-podge of sentiments, hoping that it could pass up for some pseudo-philosophical musing. But then did you really want it to be some intellectual preach-athon when you started to write just to let it all out, let all of you out?
Well i guess I'm just scared... scared to admit that for the first time, I want something I could never have. I want to hold on to you, erase everything you've been through, erase every doubt and confusion so that what would be left is me, just me.
Scared and selfish. Way to go Darc... way to go....
Tuesday, July 13
Five for Fighting
I.
I met Leslie March of this year, during the retreat. She’s about my age, very smart and quite outgoing. You could tell from the twangs in her speech that she studied in one of those exclusive schools down south. Leslie joined the retreat to find herself. She was in a seven year relationship, engaged and about to get married. They were the perfect couple. Everyone thought so… except Leslie. I asked her why she decided to end things with her “perfect” boyfriend. She said that things just didn’t feel right: “You know the feeling of staying in the relationship, working things out… just to make it work? But then at the very start you already felt that no matter how perfect he was or the situation seemed, there was a little voice in me that said this wasn’t right, this wasn’t it?” I asked her if she had any regrets about the whole matter. “If there’s anything I regret, it’s not that I let go. Quite the opposite, I regret wasting seven years of my life forcing things when I knew, somehow, that this wasn’t it.”
II.
Jay has been my friend for the longest time. We met during grade school. Among my closest friends, Jay was able to maintain the longest relationship: five years with a boyfriend we’ve come to love as well. They went their separate ways about three or four months ago. To us friends, they were the closest example of a serious, long-term relationship for people like us. Jay seems happy now, especially with his new guy who I think understands his work and his time. Time. That was the root of Jay and his ex’s frequent misunderstandings. And now, Jay is free to spend that with his partner, in their just-begun relationship.
III.
Mimi was my boss in the bank before. She’s probably in her forties with two boys in college and a cute three-year old daughter. I was already months in my job when I heard from the grapevine that Mimi got separated from her husband after more than 20 years of being together. And her getting pregnant with their daughter was not enough to save their marriage. Worse, her husband thinks that he’s not the little girl’s father.
IV.
Lisa holds a similar story. She’s one of the bosses in the other department. But I guess fortunately for her, things ended earlier. She now raises solo her five-year old son. Perhaps that’s why I often see Mimi and Lisa take their lunch together. They see something familiar, an honest connection.
V.
And then there’s former officemate Bing. She’s in her mid-30s with a son in grade school. She used to live together with her son’s father until they officially tied the knot a couple of years back. I remember us researchers playing truant just to get to the city hall and act as witnesses to their legal vows. Recently, we got confused. Bing has been posting pictures online of “monthsary” celebrations… but the guy with her isn’t the same guy we remember seeing before. I guess Bing has moved on. And it seems that her son’s just as happy as her… even with his new daddy.
To you, I honestly don’t think that I’m the best person to ask about relationships. And so I offer you stories I know. I hold no judgment. I seek not to sway you nor convince you. Perhaps you’d find comfort knowing that there are stories out there that escaped the happy-ever-after we all dream about. Perhaps you’d find reaffirmation knowing that there are people out there who had the balls to decide like you did… even if it hurt, even if they too got hurt. But know also that there are those who keep on fighting, who hold on in spite of the hardships, who try to make it work because the love that they have outweigh the troubles and confusion they cross paths with. There are just too many stories to tell and I guess it’s about realizing where you really stand in the story you’ve come to weave.
I wish you good luck and I pray that you be well.
PS: Thank you for your kind words. I still have to come to terms with me being “amazing” as you say I am. I appreciate it, for real.
I met Leslie March of this year, during the retreat. She’s about my age, very smart and quite outgoing. You could tell from the twangs in her speech that she studied in one of those exclusive schools down south. Leslie joined the retreat to find herself. She was in a seven year relationship, engaged and about to get married. They were the perfect couple. Everyone thought so… except Leslie. I asked her why she decided to end things with her “perfect” boyfriend. She said that things just didn’t feel right: “You know the feeling of staying in the relationship, working things out… just to make it work? But then at the very start you already felt that no matter how perfect he was or the situation seemed, there was a little voice in me that said this wasn’t right, this wasn’t it?” I asked her if she had any regrets about the whole matter. “If there’s anything I regret, it’s not that I let go. Quite the opposite, I regret wasting seven years of my life forcing things when I knew, somehow, that this wasn’t it.”
II.
Jay has been my friend for the longest time. We met during grade school. Among my closest friends, Jay was able to maintain the longest relationship: five years with a boyfriend we’ve come to love as well. They went their separate ways about three or four months ago. To us friends, they were the closest example of a serious, long-term relationship for people like us. Jay seems happy now, especially with his new guy who I think understands his work and his time. Time. That was the root of Jay and his ex’s frequent misunderstandings. And now, Jay is free to spend that with his partner, in their just-begun relationship.
III.
Mimi was my boss in the bank before. She’s probably in her forties with two boys in college and a cute three-year old daughter. I was already months in my job when I heard from the grapevine that Mimi got separated from her husband after more than 20 years of being together. And her getting pregnant with their daughter was not enough to save their marriage. Worse, her husband thinks that he’s not the little girl’s father.
IV.
Lisa holds a similar story. She’s one of the bosses in the other department. But I guess fortunately for her, things ended earlier. She now raises solo her five-year old son. Perhaps that’s why I often see Mimi and Lisa take their lunch together. They see something familiar, an honest connection.
V.
And then there’s former officemate Bing. She’s in her mid-30s with a son in grade school. She used to live together with her son’s father until they officially tied the knot a couple of years back. I remember us researchers playing truant just to get to the city hall and act as witnesses to their legal vows. Recently, we got confused. Bing has been posting pictures online of “monthsary” celebrations… but the guy with her isn’t the same guy we remember seeing before. I guess Bing has moved on. And it seems that her son’s just as happy as her… even with his new daddy.
To you, I honestly don’t think that I’m the best person to ask about relationships. And so I offer you stories I know. I hold no judgment. I seek not to sway you nor convince you. Perhaps you’d find comfort knowing that there are stories out there that escaped the happy-ever-after we all dream about. Perhaps you’d find reaffirmation knowing that there are people out there who had the balls to decide like you did… even if it hurt, even if they too got hurt. But know also that there are those who keep on fighting, who hold on in spite of the hardships, who try to make it work because the love that they have outweigh the troubles and confusion they cross paths with. There are just too many stories to tell and I guess it’s about realizing where you really stand in the story you’ve come to weave.
I wish you good luck and I pray that you be well.
PS: Thank you for your kind words. I still have to come to terms with me being “amazing” as you say I am. I appreciate it, for real.
Tuesday, July 6
Of Listening and Reading
Crying in the office is now my official pastime.
As you all know by now, I'm probably one of the biggest cyberloafers out there. And so I was poring over YouTube, listening to songs, watching videos: Unsent by Alanis Morissette, then Not As We still by Alanis, followed by Do What You Have to Do by Sarah McLachlan. You get the drift, it's emo redux version God knows what.
And then I clicked on I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan. Beautiful song, right? But what got me was one of the comments:
Alexias030692 (6 days ago)
I'm a 12yr old boy and my big sis who is 20yrs old left early this morning to the airport to fight the war in Iraq ='( I couldn't sleep last night 'cause I was so devistated so I went into her room and woke her up. I couldn't take it anymore and started crying in her arms. She held me and rocked me gently and softly sung me this song until I finally fell asleep. So now whenever I hear this song, I think of her and see her face =) I know she'll be back home soon. I love you, 'big sissy'!!
Cue. Tears. Now.
I know, I'm such a cry baby. But isn't it amazing how music anchors emotions and how each of us could feel what someone we don't even know feels? Regardless of where you live, who you are or what you do, there is an unseen thread that binds us. There's a divine weaver that allows us to tap into that collective experience, that collective pool of emotions that to my mind reminds us of how it's really like to be human, hardships and all.
Pretty much how I feel when I bloghop from one post to another. It's the mirrored self, the mirrored experience. And it's about finding that thread of solidarity that someone out there feels much the same way you do... and then suddenly, things are not as bad as they seem :)
As you all know by now, I'm probably one of the biggest cyberloafers out there. And so I was poring over YouTube, listening to songs, watching videos: Unsent by Alanis Morissette, then Not As We still by Alanis, followed by Do What You Have to Do by Sarah McLachlan. You get the drift, it's emo redux version God knows what.
And then I clicked on I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan. Beautiful song, right? But what got me was one of the comments:
Alexias030692 (6 days ago)
I'm a 12yr old boy and my big sis who is 20yrs old left early this morning to the airport to fight the war in Iraq ='( I couldn't sleep last night 'cause I was so devistated so I went into her room and woke her up. I couldn't take it anymore and started crying in her arms. She held me and rocked me gently and softly sung me this song until I finally fell asleep. So now whenever I hear this song, I think of her and see her face =) I know she'll be back home soon. I love you, 'big sissy'!!
Cue. Tears. Now.
I know, I'm such a cry baby. But isn't it amazing how music anchors emotions and how each of us could feel what someone we don't even know feels? Regardless of where you live, who you are or what you do, there is an unseen thread that binds us. There's a divine weaver that allows us to tap into that collective experience, that collective pool of emotions that to my mind reminds us of how it's really like to be human, hardships and all.
Pretty much how I feel when I bloghop from one post to another. It's the mirrored self, the mirrored experience. And it's about finding that thread of solidarity that someone out there feels much the same way you do... and then suddenly, things are not as bad as they seem :)
Sunday, July 4
The Poet
Of chapters unwritten
Of memories to be made
Of standing by
As the heart poured out
Its fears and its joys
Its pains and its hopes
And the unending understanding
Of goodness beyond comprehension
That only someone as true
Only someone as genuine
Could possibly give
The lyricist that you are
Your silent presence was perhaps by far
The most lucid interval I could possibly hope for
For in it was comforting assurance
Of a steady hand to prop up an injured soul
Selfless arms to embrace a fragile heart
My secret keeper
I am honored by your friendship
I am humbled by your kindness
And in this chaos of a life
You are my inspiration
That even if I bleed
I could still give
That despite the hurt
I could still heal
This spartan offer pales in comparison to your genius
A genius made manifest not only by your words
But more so, by the goodness of your heart
Happy birthday to the sweetest Geek.
:)
Of memories to be made
Of standing by
As the heart poured out
Its fears and its joys
Its pains and its hopes
And the unending understanding
Of goodness beyond comprehension
That only someone as true
Only someone as genuine
Could possibly give
The lyricist that you are
Your silent presence was perhaps by far
The most lucid interval I could possibly hope for
For in it was comforting assurance
Of a steady hand to prop up an injured soul
Selfless arms to embrace a fragile heart
My secret keeper
I am honored by your friendship
I am humbled by your kindness
And in this chaos of a life
You are my inspiration
That even if I bleed
I could still give
That despite the hurt
I could still heal
This spartan offer pales in comparison to your genius
A genius made manifest not only by your words
But more so, by the goodness of your heart
Happy birthday to the sweetest Geek.
:)
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