Ride

I was in the winter of my life. And the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one, who once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet — but upon an unfortunate series of events, saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again — sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living — they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying — because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one — who belonged to everyone, who had nothing — who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about — and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people — and finally I did — on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore — except to make our lives a work of art.

Live fast. Die Young. Be Wild. And Have Fun.

I believe in the country America used to be. I believe in the person I want to become.

I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever —

I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself — I ride. I just ride.

Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?

Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?

I have.

I am fucking crazy. But I am free.

Transcript credit: http://aphrodites-whore.tumblr.com/

Amen

I immensely enjoyed Nelly Furtado's recent concert in Manila. Fronted by Gym Class Heroes, it was great soul food. She's been my hero since high school, waited a looooong time for her to come to Manila.

But my ultimate hero would have to be Paula Cole. From Me to Pearl to Be Somebody. Such glorious music. I have little hopes that she'd drop by the Philippines, but still I hope.

Her next album's Raven, indie as she's trying to race funds for the project via kickstarter. One of the packages involves a private concert at your house if you pitch in $10K or more. Hay, my mind's been daydreaming of having lots of money to get that experience. Imagine having Paula Cole in my house, playing music. I get all giddy just thinking about it.

But alas, I'm no billionaire, or even millionaire, or even a thousandillaire (haha, inventing words, I know! lol).

Someday soon, a Paula Cole gig in Boston or somewhere she might be touring.

Basta, someday!

No Other

Please don't judge me but this song makes me really happy. And I don't even understand a single word they're singing! Lol

Slipping By

It has come to this. I am bored. I have nothing to do.

I report to the office... late. I turn on my laptop, check mails, do some work, postpone some work... and then just surf. Mindless net surfing.

And then I find myself still sitting by my desk at this hour, pretending to be busy but really, I have nothing to do. Major sigh. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen, something interesting to wake me or just keep me, well, interested. I hate this and I hope this state passes soon. But then something in me says this is my default. The thing is I refuse to admit that what keeps me going is having "someone." Cliche but that song really rings true right now: "There I was an empty piece of a shell... Yes I've gone beyond existing."

That's it. I'm simply existing.

Anyway, boss has decided to close shop. For what it's worth, he's a really nice guy, beyond all those mindless things he gets himself into. Yes boss, I think you crave attention - don't kill me! - but I know that you deserve much more. I am a fan. And I'll be cheering you on, this side of the world, praying that you be well always and that you find peace and joy in your life. Mind you, I pray for joy, not happiness because that is fleeting. Just this morning, the meaning of your online name crossed my mind. And it's my sincerest desire that now that you've ended your online story, perhaps you can then let go of the sadness that your name brings. I know you liked that departure from what you claim is your rather ordinary name.

But boss, there's an end to being triste.

Know that your cheering squad here back home will never get tired of sending you a rah-rah!

And oh, the dole-outs! But then PHL is an Asian tiger na so baka Europe needs the money more. Lol

Recreational Buzz

Found myself googling poppers for a good hour! Needless to say I am intrigued and if I knew how to get one, I'd prolly be up on it already. I need to sleep this one down and let it slide. Otherwise, knowing how  "gutsy" and stubborn I can be, this might turn out to be a new hobby. Yikes.

I've had a lingering curiosity about E too. Been wanting to try one, even just a quarter of a tab. But after Oprah flashed hole-filled brains of E users, I thought twice... and thrice. The nagging's still there but my will remains strong. Thank God! I just talk my way out of it by reminding myself that smarts are all I got. I don't have the gorgeous face nor the banging body to fall back on... well at least not yet. Haha

Idleness indeed is the devil's workshop.

Rookie Sem

I used to imagine myself on the first day of classes, speaking in front of students, explaining to them the requirements of the course and what to expect for the semester. I really don't know if I fit the mold. I had a really weak voice, I tend to talk too fast and I'm prone to spaced out moments. But in spite of all those, in me was a real desire to teach. Come November 2010, an opportunity to realize that desire popped up. And so I stepped into the role... not knowing that it was way different from what I imagined.

First day of classes, I felt intimidated. I was like a poser, putting on a show while at the back of my mind, I deeply questioned my credibility to teach. Do these kids even believe half of what I'm saying? Or do they see me as just another kid forced unto them by the college for lack of instructors? And it didn't really help that I could pass off as one of their classmates: guards accosting me, searching for my ID or professors barging in on my class simply because they thought I was a student.

It was a recurring theme throughout the semester: self-doubt and trying to act nonchalantly about it.

But minus all those personal dramas, there were very rewarding moments in my rookie semester: those very real moments of silence that made me believe my students were actually listening to me (or so I thought! lol), the pleasant surprise of insightful comments during class, and reading papers that progressed from mere regurgitations to actual independent thought! Of course, reading students' comments on facebook and seeing my pictures taken by them were quite exhilirating... that is until they booted me out of their FB group and deleted those pictures with rather hilarious comments.

And that's another thing that added to my impostor side. I don't take myself seriously, how could I possibly expect these guys to take me seriously?! Glad the semester's over. Ang-hirap kaya mag-panggap.

Fast forward to March 4: done checking the final exams, currently encoding grades on my class sheet. I've said it a couple of times throughout the semester that I don't really care if some of them fail to graduate because of my class. My grading system was very transparent and it was all them. But that Friday, I was quite surprised with how I felt as I punched in the numbers and saw the changing figures in the spreadsheet's final column. I was rooting for everyone and praying, "Dear Lord, let it be 65 at the very least." Funny, but that's really how it went.

And I'm just relieved that I don't have to explain a failing grade to anyone. I leave my rookie semester with great moments in my memory bank and an army of graduates.

Thanks y'all!

- Old note re-posted from my "other" FB account, in honor of Teacher's Day :D

Sweet Nothing

How apt, living on such sweet nothing.

Me not being able to drop this equates to me being pathetic, right? I mean he's happy, living life with the people he's always wanted to. You can literally feel the sigh of relief now that he can pursue other things, and people, with you out of the way. And then I'm still here thinking through these things? Oh well, I just want to exhaust it 'til there's nothing left.

Wala naman pala masyadong nawala sa akin... kasi wala ka rin naman masyadong ibinigay.

But then again, Florence is just divine.

Second Look

Where am I now? Who am I now?

I've realized I'm a bore. At the very core of myself, there's no desire to go out and be at the center of things. I enjoy attention but I do not seek it. I'm very quiet and reserved. That's my default. I only take charge when no one else would or if it's an emergency. That's it: I take pride in being the go-to-guy. 

I'm very neat and organized, clinical even. I like process flows and seeing how things connect.

I'm very transparent. When I'm in an awkward situation or when I get excited about something, my eyes well up and I get goosebumps. I'm not a very good liar.

I'm naive. I readily believe people.

I don't think of myself as highly as other people do. Some people think I look good. Who I see is a scrawny nerd. Some people think I'm brilliant. Who I see is someone struggling to get that big break.

I'm sad. And again, that's my default. I don't find it alarming that I'm sad. It's just how I am. But then again... that's sad.

I'm insecure. My only consolation is that I still have untapped potential. Lol.

And when it comes to love, I'm not a go-getter. I prefer to be approached. I'm shy that way. Only problem is that I'm not hunky nor gorgeous, ergo I stand and wait... and wait... and wait. 

This was difficult to write. And my spinning head plus my pounding heart signals there's much more to be written but at this moment I cannot. I neither have the clarity nor the strength to dig deeper and write all of them down.

Difficult.