Second Look

Where am I now? Who am I now?

I've realized I'm a bore. At the very core of myself, there's no desire to go out and be at the center of things. I enjoy attention but I do not seek it. I'm very quiet and reserved. That's my default. I only take charge when no one else would or if it's an emergency. That's it: I take pride in being the go-to-guy. 

I'm very neat and organized, clinical even. I like process flows and seeing how things connect.

I'm very transparent. When I'm in an awkward situation or when I get excited about something, my eyes well up and I get goosebumps. I'm not a very good liar.

I'm naive. I readily believe people.

I don't think of myself as highly as other people do. Some people think I look good. Who I see is a scrawny nerd. Some people think I'm brilliant. Who I see is someone struggling to get that big break.

I'm sad. And again, that's my default. I don't find it alarming that I'm sad. It's just how I am. But then again... that's sad.

I'm insecure. My only consolation is that I still have untapped potential. Lol.

And when it comes to love, I'm not a go-getter. I prefer to be approached. I'm shy that way. Only problem is that I'm not hunky nor gorgeous, ergo I stand and wait... and wait... and wait. 

This was difficult to write. And my spinning head plus my pounding heart signals there's much more to be written but at this moment I cannot. I neither have the clarity nor the strength to dig deeper and write all of them down.

Difficult.