My heart goes ballistic with your every word. Your stories linger in my mind and find their way to my heart. Although in this space, romance is often doomed to fail before it even starts, I admit, I fell. I'm addicted. I'm in love.
Me not being able to drop this equates to me being pathetic, right? I mean he's happy, living life with the people he's always wanted to. You can literally feel the sigh of relief now that he can pursue other things, and people, with you out of the way. And then I'm still here thinking through these things? Oh well, I just want to exhaust it 'til there's nothing left. Wala naman pala masyadong nawala sa akin... kasi wala ka rin naman masyadong ibinigay.
But then again, Florence is just divine.
I've realized I'm a bore. At the very core of myself, there's no desire to go out and be at the center of things. I enjoy attention but I do not seek it. I'm very quiet and reserved. That's my default. I only take charge when no one else would or if it's an emergency. That's it: I take pride in being the go-to-guy.
I'm very neat and organized, clinical even. I like process flows and seeing how things connect.
I'm very transparent. When I'm in an awkward situation or when I get excited about something, my eyes well up and I get goosebumps. I'm not a very good liar.
I'm naive. I readily believe people.
I don't think of myself as highly as other people do. Some people think I look good. Who I see is a scrawny nerd. Some people think I'm brilliant. Who I see is someone struggling to get that big break.
I'm sad. And again, that's my default. I don't find it alarming that I'm sad. It's just how I am. But then again... that's sad.
I'm insecure. My only consolation is that I still have untapped potential. Lol.
And when it comes to love, I'm not a go-getter. I prefer to be approached. I'm shy that way. Only problem is that I'm not hunky nor gorgeous, ergo I stand and wait... and wait... and wait.
This was difficult to write. And my spinning head plus my pounding heart signals there's much more to be written but at this moment I cannot. I neither have the clarity nor the strength to dig deeper and write all of them down.
Halfway house for the brokenhearted, that pretty much describes their home. And I've had my share of sleepovers and exchanges over dinner, with her cooking adobong pusit and a handful more dishes. She's the cool mom type with a terrible over-protectiveness on the side. Very tolerant yet never fails to remind us to be more careful with our hearts. She always says go... with caution. And did I mention that she competed for Binibining Pilipinas too? Not surprisingly she won Ms. Congeniality.
I met Tita's daughter in college and since then, I've become one of Tita's favorite wards, favorite simply because I can keep up with her daughter and side with her whenever she goes on a rant, of course with my friend as primary subject. Their home's a safe place, we can be whomever we want to be, say whatever we want to say. But Tita has a major pet peeve: respect. No holds barred as long as there is mutual respect.
And Tita was a mistress. Her daughter, my friend, born out of an illicit affair. Ten years before they called it quits. Tita, now married to her childhood love, tells us: "Anak, I love your Tito pero I'm in love with my daughter's dad."
My friend's dad died this year. They never dropped by during the wake and never attempted to do the classic melodramatic mourning from a distance during the interment. A couple of month's ago, they made a trip up north to her lover's tomb. Friend was supposed to pay her last respects to her dad whom she knew personally up until she was probably seven years old. But friend tried her best to hold back her laughter. She thought she was the one who'll get emotional with the last goodbyes but then it was Tita who bawled her eyes out.
Tita was the one who figured out that I "wanted" to be a housewife. She was also the one who propped me up when all my friends were against the relationships I was getting into. "Kung saan ka masaya, basta ingatan mo sarili mo." And when her story turned out to be my story, she sent out a strong message to my friends that "I told you so," shall never be said. With a raised voice she exclaimed, "Ganiyan na nga iyong nangyari sa kaibigan niyo sasabihan niyo pa ng kung anu-ano?!"
"Marami pa iyan anak, marami pang sakit na darating. Sa buhay natin, maraming taong aabusuhin ang kabutihan mo. They will take advantage. Pero pasasaan ba, sa lahat ng problema ang lagi kong sinasabi, lilipas din iyan."
Tita's up for surgery anytime this month, gallstones. And so it signaled the hiatus of awesome dinners at their place, unless of course she wields her magic over steamed fish and veggies. Yesterday I dropped by their place with two boxes of cream puffs - her request - on hand. Dinner plus some life matters convos, it was almost 11pm when I left. Sent them a message that I arrived home safe and friend replied with her usual sorority girl/legally blonde message, complete with xoxo mwahugs and what have you. We really wonder how she is in the courtroom.
At the end of that message, she relayed, "Mama says ang-ganda ganda mo raw ngayon (yes friends, Tita thinks I'm pogi, the kind of guy you bring home to mom; but at the same time she has the sense to recognize that that mom's got a son and not a daughter)... and she's sad na mag-isa ka lang raw sa buhay."
I guess Tita really wants to see me coupled, with someone who'll take care of me and make me happy. The message all the more felt from one mistress to another.
Sometimes I think that more than I, it's my friends who can't seem to move on. I mean, they ask me how I am, I say I'm ok, and then they raise up doubts with a quip of: "Really?" Well, I appreciate them checking on me but I'm not exactly untruthful. Post-break up, I was candid enough to acknowledge when I was sad and when I wasn't feeling ok. So I guess I thought it would follow that when I "declared" that I was getting better and that I was ok, they'd readily believe me. Guess again! Haha
Anyway, I've re-affirmed that nothing in this world really lasts. But the more pivotal realization is that, I'm ok with it. I've since learned to just let things be; stop making them happen, and just allow whatever comes my way to do just that: come my way.
So how am I right now?
Hmmm, I'm ok. Quite happy with where I am although of course there are moments when you remember. Memories are tricky, for sure you know that. There are times when I spend a whole day in a place where memories were made and remember that those memories existed only when I'm about to leave them. That's good right? You remember but your memories don't haunt you.
I'm excited with what else - or for that matter, who else - will drop by my life. It is in the rebuilding that you get to reinvent yourself but more than that, it is in the rebuilding that you get to re-affirm what makes you you. They say that money or a stressful situation don't really change a person's character, they merely amplify what's already there. And for me, what's there is a nice person. Yes friends, I may be a bore but I am nice. Lol.
... and that's why I'm veering away from having fubus and all that jazz (and this is a different post altogether); they end up falling in love with me. Haha. Hay Darc, the confidence... the nerd! Haha
Our return trip was from the province's main port, about 30 minutes from the beach: was dropped off by our awesome driver, went inside, confirmed tickets, paid the terminal fee, and headed toward the boarding area. Cinematic -and maybe this is just me romanticizing - at the very instance I stepped onto the boarding area, three gents started strumming their guitars. I quickly recognized the familiar tune but had to wait for them to start singing just to confirm. I mean, really, this song, to see me away from this trip?!
A couple of bars and then the rightmost guy started singing. And yep, I was right. They sang Who Am I and I got really teary eyed as I stood from the sides watching. I was kinda conscious. I mean a kid crying at the port's boarding area a handful of Koreans, Caucasians, and what have you packed together with the locals... I didn't really mind the fours lesbians I took this trip with. At worst they'd find it mildly cute; after all, all four of them took me as their own kid early on the weekend by virtue of our age difference.
After that Casting Crowns song, they then took on Hillsong and did One Way Jesus. It was a fun song so I initially thought that I've saved myself from fighting back my tears. But when they sang that line with so much gusto and fervor, I decided that the lack of sleep was a convenient excuse for my eyes welling up.
"We live by faith and not by sight...."
Three blind men, singing that. Striking. The song was at its most literal yet still it was metaphorical. And that something which I cannot put a finger on had a guttural tug in me.
They were already singing pop tunes - they even sang You Don't Know You're Beautiful by 1D! - when we passed by them as we moved toward the gate. I quickly crumpled a hundred peso bill and dropped it in their donation box before sinking slowly into a nearby chair. Thinking about it now, that hundred peso bill is nothing compared to the inspiration they bring.
So do me favor friends, if and when you pass by Tagbilaran City's port, please drop a couple of hundred more for these three fine men. I'd be more than happy to reimburse! They see more than most people - at least more than I - and they're more than gracious to share this gift of sight. The tears in my eyes simply echo the warm cheering of my heart.
Grabe po ang lungkot at pagkadismaya na nadama ko sa ginawa ni Senador Sotto. Parang buong pagkatao ko ang nainsulto, ang trabaho at ang dignidad na ikinakabit ko sa aking trabaho.
Para sa mga kaibigang nakakaalam ng trabaho ko, sana maunawaan niyo kung gaano nakakasuka na may isang mambabatas at mga manunulat nito na magnanakaw ng ideya ng ibang tao at walang habas na sasabihing ayos lang iyan. Wala na ngang mga utak, arogante pa.
Ang pasasalamat ko na lang sa mga pangyayaring ito ay muli, ako ay naiyak. Tito Sotto, ang kawalang-hiyaan mo lang pala ang makakapagpaiyak sa akin. Salamat. At kaakibat ng pasasalamat ko ang taimtim na hiling na nawa'y kamuhian ka, sampu ng mga manunulat at mananaliksik mo, ng sambayanang maulit na ninyong kinutsa at minaliit ang talino.
