Please don't cry...

I tried to fight for you...
























... with fists closed.

I'm sorry.









*With apologies to the Geek.

Evolving Darc

When I was a kid, I thought invisibility was such an awesome superpower. In a way, anonymity gave you freedom. After all, the most potent things are often those unseen.


Psst, kung magiging superhero ka, sino gusto mo maging?


And then I grew up a bit. I envied Storm. If I had her powers then everyday will be sunshine. No overcast horizons, no gushing winds to trip me off. I yearned for predictability, stability that made you feel secure. I feared no sudden drizzle. No sudden storms to cloud my day.


Ako dati si Superman para makalipad. Pero sawa na ako kay SuperMan, BatMan, gusto ko ngayon...


Weathering quite a handful, you grow up a little bit more. And then you realize that to take flight equates to taking risks. And the most heroic thing you could possibly do is to live for another, to risk for another.


I'm YourMan, KailanMan, NaMan!*










*Texts from a stranger :)

Of Maternal Instincts and Missosologists

I don't know if it's an offshoot of being OC but somehow, I've got a strong maternal bone in me. I always clean up things, check on what's wrong and make sure that everyone's ok and everything's in order. For instance, during our surf trip a while back, our assigned driver-friend had the colds and after dinner, just when I was about to finish cleaning up our table, I yelled from across the room: "Hoy, may vitamins ka ba?!" And without waiting for an answer, I took out a small ziplock from my bag, went to him and handed over a pill. Yes, I keep extra supplies of vitamins during out-of-town trips in case someone other than me needs them. Yes, nanay na nanay ako.

But then it doesn't stop there. Back in college, I used to head a student org and was often called kuya by the younger ones. Heck, even frat guys called me kuya. At the beginning, I was totally weirded out but then I came to terms with the fact that yep Darc, you're older, you are kuya.

Last Thursday, as I was walking along Mendiola on my way to St. Jude, I saw someone waving at me from a distance. Being the four-eyed blind guy that I am, it took me some time to recognize that these were my kids from college. I really don't know why but there's a certain warmth when these kids receive me. It's as if I'm someone they look up to... that or they just find me nakakaaliw. Perhaps it's because I don't take myself seriously but then they do. Lol. And when they ask how I'm doing, it's more than the usual pleasantries, I can feel the sincerity, the deep concern we really have for each other. I'm not touchy feely but when it comes to them, a hug and a kiss comes naturally. A hug and a kiss... notwithstanding that they are girls. Eeek, suicide. Lol.

*****

I'm one with Soltero* when he echoed Rajo Laurel saying that pageants are the gay world's Super Bowl, World Cup, NBA Finals all rolled into one. I remember jumping up and down the living room as I watched Miriam Quiambao slug it out through to the finals. Haha, slug it out, boxing much? Well, yeah, I guess it really is the ultimate gay sport. But some of us really take this pageant business to a whole new level.

One time, two of my friends and I were having dinner right after our St. Jude visit when pageant talk suddenly surfaced. My, my... my friends really are pageant hobbyists. I have a vague idea of who the previous winners are but really, I have to hand it to them. Much like Mugen's friend, they know by heart all the winners from every Miss Universe edition. And not only that, they know who the finalists are! Country, complete names and all! When they started spitting out names of Latinas and enumerating the country's that got called first during semi-finals, I caught myself doing the tired old nod you give when you have absolutely no idea what people are talking about. This is pageant analysis at its uber ultimate hard core!

Hay, I wish I too was a missosologist. Lol :P

*Dear Soltero, where is your Miss Universe/pageantry post?! I can no longer find it. Bow. Ikaw ha. Lol.

Aja

Find the resolve to fight it.
Do not weigh. Do not keep score.
Open your hands.
To stories told before you crashed in.
Green-eyed.
It's useless, you know it is.
Shake it off.
And enjoy the blessing that is now.

I think we've been here before
I recognize this place
I've seen the marks of confusion
Wipe out a single sign of grace
And I don't want to play anymore
Not when the stakes are so high
So before we circle round once more
I'm gonna lay down,
Lay down my pride

Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
Tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go

I turn on the TV
And it screams out at me
Nothing seems to have changed
Since the start of Adam and Eve
So we're waiting for the sky to fall
And we're buying brand new toys
But before we circle round once more
Can we lay down
Just lay down this pride

Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
Tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go
Don't go wasting your emotions
No one wins if we keep score
Let it go, let it be
Let it go

Let It Go, Corinne May

Waltz to the Words

I wanted to dance in front of the mirror. But when the song played, I found my arms around your waist... swaying to an imaginary waltz. Only to find out that only I could hear the music and your silhouette was but a mere pillow.

At least I smiled. And it was the most spontaneous smile I've had in a while.

I hate you... I've never missed someone this much :)

What did you say?
I know I saw you singing
But my ears won't stop ringing
Long enough to hear
Those sweet words
What did you say?

End of the day
The hour hand has spun
But before the night is done
I just have to hear
Those sweet words
Spoken like a melody

All your love
Is a lost balloon
Rising up through the afternoon
'Til it could fit on the head of a pin
Come on in
Did you have a hard time sleeping?
Cuz the heavy moon was keeping
Me awake, and all I know is
I'm just glad to
See you again

See my love
Like a lost balloon
Rising up
Through the afternoon, and
Then you appeared

What did you say?
I know what you were singing
But my ears won't stop ringing
Long enough to hear
Those sweet words
And your simple melody

I just have to hear
Those sweet words
Spoken like a melody

I just want to hear
Those sweet words

- Those Sweet Words, Norah Jones

Transit Thoughts

I was drenched in rain, onboard an FX taxi that found itself sliding down the EDSA-Shaw flyover, when I thought of Paolo Coelho's Eleven Minutes and how he said that we often intertwine love with pain when the former brings only wonderful things, beautiful moments.

At that point, I remembered one of our retreat facilitators last March. Sharing her own life journey as she told us to embrace and own our stories, she mentioned how God blessed her to fall in love again after a failed relationship a couple of years before.

That got me thinking, maybe that's why we equate love with pain, because we see it as an entitlement rather than as a blessing. When you feel entitled to receive love and experience it, you find yourself terribly frustrated when you don't have it. When you lose love, you feel devastated. As you wait for love, you wrestle with impatience.

In my heart of hearts, I want to believe this. That love is a blessing and not an entitlement. That way, you get to treasure every waking moment with that special someone... because he is a gift, not something you've earned and can earn again. That way, you forget to account for things that he does or fails to do... simply because you feel no need to.

I know this is way easier said than done. And once you've known pain or have come to know love through pain, relationships can easily turn from enjoying that gift to sustaining it. And then love does become a battlefield. You end up scarred yet again... bleeding, fighting, gasping to survive.

Perhaps nothing really is permament in our mortal lives. Everything is temporary... even love may be fleeting. But in spite of this, if you see love as a blessing, then as I always say, the pain may be no less real, but at the very least you're left with something to hold on to. That the love you were gifted with may have found its way back to the One above but that in His time, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, another blessing of the same skin might be yours.

To you, remember this, I take you as a blessing. Only through that can I tide the lingering pain, the pain of finding ourselves in no less than perfect circumstances. Because I choose to see the wonderful gift that you are... my flaws, your flaws and all.

“Pain and suffering are used to justify the only thing that should bring only joy: love.” - Paolo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Guardian Meets the Cybercelebrity

It's kind of reassuring to have a blog guardian, someone who keeps you grounded, who knows how you are in person way before you started pouring your heart out in an online journal. To a certain extent, my blog guardian keeps me in line, trying his very best (in spite of my hard-headedness) to steer me from diving into unwieldy situations as I meet people on this side of the web. Of course, he's never successful and I can only imagine his frustration - and amusement - as he tells me, "Hay, Darc, the things you get yourself into...."

Over the weekend, my blog guardian met two of my cybercelebrities whom I've come to consider as offline friends as well. Actually, as he put it, I chaperoned since he and his other "guardian" friends read one of them religiously. In fact, cybercelebrity 1 is the only blogger he reads and yep, he's a fan boy.

So we were having lunch: they were talking, I was making kulit. Then the conversation touched on how the online-offline gap was bridged, how it was possible to create real friendships out of the connections we make on this virtual space. Being a noob on these affairs, I listened in to cybercelebrity 1's thoughts: "I try to communicate with them... of course, only if they want to." Flimsy connections do need constant work, I thought.

Some more talk on choosing who to befriend and who remain mere acquaintances and then, I can't exactly remember how or why, blog guardian said: "I wasn't really that worried. I knew that somehow, it's the good people who'd gravitate toward Darc and his story."

My heart blushed. Guardian thinks I attract nice people. And that could only mean one thing: you, co-cyberpilgrims, are nice and the connection we have is something borne out of your desire to connect with someone with a good heart. Hehe. So much for being fluffy and sugary and sweet. Sorry, I can't help it :P