Wednesday, April 7

Reading Cards

When you’re heartbroken, you tend to do lots of things. I for one just go all out and join whatever misadventure friends and even acquaintances plan. I spread myself and take up whatever’s on my plate. It’s kinda fun really. I get to step out of my comfort zone and veer away from my boxed up boring self. It helps that you’ve got different sets of friends too. More friends mean more things to do. And the novelty of places, people, and events – to a large part – balm the pangs that nibble on one’s heart.

Law school friends helped me a lot during those spaced-out moments. They’ve been very accommodating to the point that I got to crash their org meetings and social events. I was the unofficial “bisita” of Malcolm Hall. I was the odd one out who felt comfortable acting lawyerly around would-be lawyers.

One afternoon, a friend introduced me to a new law school acquaintance who knew how to read tarot cards. Of course, being the “makulit” guy that I was, I insisted that she practice on me. I picked out three cards from her stack, one of which pierced through what I was going through.

It was the card for my past: betrayal.

She asked if someone recently betrayed me. I smiled. My friend answered with conviction… “Yes, he had been.”


“Ang tulay, paulit-ulit na dadaanan.”

Yet another nugget that tugged my heart during the recent retreat. Taking the sunny side of things, I’d say yes, people will wear you out, erode you, test how long you could hold up and support them. But then, in times like these, I just have to say, the bridge also gets tired… tired of the same things happening to him over and over again. And when an unexpected load rattles him to the point of breaking, just when he thought he was again ready to trust, yet another brick is added to his steadily building walls.

A friend and I recently talked about my tendency to give up easily. After the first heartbreak, I’ve been in only one relationship. And that lasted for barely a month. I decided not to work things out, take one step closer to shutting out people for good. After all, I thought, nothing will ever work out anyway. Been there, done that… and still, I ended up in heartbreak. What’s the point of laying your cards on the table when the same heartbreak will bite your ass in the end? Vulnerability is overrated… maybe, relationships too.

You, you, and you will remain nameless. Some may know the untold stories but now, I decide to bury the hatchet.

And yes Anonymous, at this juncture of my journey, I’m giving in to the cynics who scoffed and rolled their eyes at this stupid, silly thing I’ve been throwing myself into.

Yes, I reaffirm.

In this space… romance is doomed to fail before it even starts.


  1. In this space… romance is doomed to fail before it even starts.

    A scorched-earth policy I have learned to adopt as time goes by.

  2. this post really got to me darc... big time :(

  3. Don't do what I did. Over five years of shutting the world out, and licking my wounds. Of being disillusioned, and jaded. Awakened to the fact that parting is an eventuality whichever orientation you espouse.

    Don't fall into the trap of indifference, of hurting before getting hurt, of removing oneself and assuming the worst in all. The bridge gets tired, but so are its foundations. And I believe, that yours is romance, of that lofty idealist that longs to love completely, and consuming.

    Let your heart rest, let it heal. But at the end of it all, go back to what makes it beat. Be thankful you have friends to distract and temper your circumstances. Back then, I didn't. I was figuring myself out, while healing my failed spirit. Up to now, I'm still trying to fix the damage that five years of hermiticism has done to my body, and my heart.

  4. part na siguro lagi ng magmahal ang masaktan e...

  5. nasaktan man, niloko, ginago, tinarantado o kung ano bandang huli ibababa mo rin ang lahat ng hawak mong baraha, panalo o talo ka man..

    *pasensiya sa mga salitang nagpapaiyak ng mga anghel

  6. @galen: you give up on this space... but not on love :)

    @lee: bakit? :(

    @red: of hurting before getting hurt... that was quite insightful :)

    @mac: i remember coelho asking in eleven minutes ata, why do we remember love with hurt when it's such a good thing, or something to that effect. bakit nga kaya?

    @paci: uy, i missed you! well, time will tell :)