I remember how dazed I was the first few weeks after I finally called it quits with the first ex. Waking up with nothing to look forward to. Floating from sleep to work, unmindful of whether I might get killed by the speeding cars as I walk to the office. Come to think of it, at that time, somehow, I knew I wished for it. For me to get hit by some random car. For me to suffer some freak accident. For things to just end.
At that time, it was ok for everything to stop... just. like. that.
*****
It was the second day of the retreat and we were told to remain silent throughout the activities. No good mornings, no thank yous. Just silence. Our only respite was the customary sharegroup right after each lecture and testimonial. Surprisingly, I found myself intently listening to my newfound friends, comrades who by God's hands found themselves asking my very questions at that particular juncture in their lives.
"What was she thinking right before she jumped?" Paula shared. She narrated how one of her friends took her own life. How a security guard manning their building saw her idling time on the rooftop. How the moment after, she took that jump and willed everything to stop.
"Was she sad? Was she hurting? Were her thoughts a blank? Or maybe she was enjoying the view?" Twisted, but suddenly I recognized that calm of taking in the view. Looking into the sunset and then bidding the world goodbye. She could have been stronger, I thought. What if she held on a little longer? What if?
And then I remembered the testimonial earlier that morning: "The pleasure of taking my own life was far greater than the pain of living the next moment."
At that very instance, I took out my pen and scribbled a thank you. Thank you Lord for not letting me sink that low. For holding on to me a little longer.
Otherwise, I won't be where I'm at today.
on a philosopical note, suicide is the ultimate use of men's freewill.
ReplyDeletei remember tuloy one scene sa anime na Ghost on a Shell, one of the spider-like-robots asked the lead character: "what it feels like to die?"
hindi nakasagot yung bida. you see the robot's AI were developing fast almost human like.
then sa season ender ng anime na yun, nag-sacrifice yung robot ng buhay nya, then flashback yung tanong nya sa kanyang sarili, finally he had an answer.. sabi nya ang sad palang mamatay.
pero of course death is dependent sa mga values and principles mo. jet li tried to put it clearly, you have to die first in order to live.
the more pressing question now after dying is: how do you want to be remembered? i think that is the primary reason for everything we do. we want to be remembered in one way or another. writers, artists, and soldiers knew of this.
If given the chance, your wrist-slashing were successful.. then the answer to the question is irrelevant.
-dabo
celebrate life. celebrate being strong. cheers to being strong!
ReplyDelete-beki (tinatamad akong mag login :p)
@dabo: again, you make me wanna write on something :)
ReplyDelete@beki: cheers! :)
Sometimes we just need to be reminded of our own frailty, fragility. To remain human and intact. Pain is an illusion, as the Hindus would say. It is the only constant in this world.
ReplyDeleteBecause we, as humans, only seek to go against the nature of things. Such is the curse of free will.
But to acknowledge that very pain affords one to embrace it, nurture it, and eventually finally release it. Just like what Mitch Albom said. Be well Darc, it can only get better.
thanks red, and acknowledging the pain forms part of owning my story ;)
ReplyDelete