A Me Redux

Depression makes you transparent.

I've always been smug before the break up. I was stoic. I never wore my heart on my sleeve. I rarely cried. That night when I finally figured out everything, that the week of silence was more than a need for space, I broke down in front of my friends. I just sat there, crying. Taken aback, all they were able to say was, "Parang hindi si Darc."

It was my first. And with it came new realizations. Sadness was true, so was heart break. I remember telling a straight friend, "Jim, totoo pala iyong heartbroken. Literally, something's wrong with my heart."

What's interesting about sadness is once you know it, it becomes easy for you to access it. It lingers. It becomes a part of who you are. I was slumped in Pagudpud, watching the waves, unmindful of the heat, my thoughts a blank. Friend's boyfriend sat beside me and said, "Darc, it will pass. But know that things will change. You will change."

I've changed. I now know sadness.

*****

John, I've told you this, I envy you. I envy how chance weaved your story. You told me to ask for it, just as you did. Believe me, I wasn't joking when I told you guys that once, that was my nightly prayer. "Lord, I know I have so much love to give. Please bring me that someone I could share life with and who would take me as I take him." An erstwhile Starbucks planner stood witness to how I asked. I asked John, I really did.

But more than that, I envy you because you're still capable of loving. First and last, that's something worth holding on to. I tried to hold on but then I slipped. The hurt pulled me down. The second, third, fourth chances was too much for my spirit to take.

I think I'm damaged.

At the back of my mind, I still want my happy ending. But I'm too scared to go out there and risk myself yet again. I still want my happy ending. But I'm too weak to pursue.

*****

For the past couple of days, I've been going over old files, old letters, old mementos. Poring over some pictures, I noticed a yellow sheet with my name on top of it. It was my mom's writing. Her reply to my letter a couple of years before. I told her that in spite of everything I've gone through, I'd still give him another chance.

"Masakit para sa amin ang gagawin mo. Para bang hindi ko makaya o matanggap na makikipag-balikan ka pa sa kaniya."

I tried my best to brush aside the fact that I was hurting Nanay. I pushed on... and it was never worth it.

*****

I guess it's just me coming to terms with who I've become. And yes Nanay, Darc is at it again. I'm giving away another chance... this time for myself. Hopefully, it will be worth it.

*****

Salamat, Jepoy, John, at Moi.