Monday, March 1

A Me Redux

Depression makes you transparent.

I've always been smug before the break up. I was stoic. I never wore my heart on my sleeve. I rarely cried. That night when I finally figured out everything, that the week of silence was more than a need for space, I broke down in front of my friends. I just sat there, crying. Taken aback, all they were able to say was, "Parang hindi si Darc."

It was my first. And with it came new realizations. Sadness was true, so was heart break. I remember telling a straight friend, "Jim, totoo pala iyong heartbroken. Literally, something's wrong with my heart."

What's interesting about sadness is once you know it, it becomes easy for you to access it. It lingers. It becomes a part of who you are. I was slumped in Pagudpud, watching the waves, unmindful of the heat, my thoughts a blank. Friend's boyfriend sat beside me and said, "Darc, it will pass. But know that things will change. You will change."

I've changed. I now know sadness.


John, I've told you this, I envy you. I envy how chance weaved your story. You told me to ask for it, just as you did. Believe me, I wasn't joking when I told you guys that once, that was my nightly prayer. "Lord, I know I have so much love to give. Please bring me that someone I could share life with and who would take me as I take him." An erstwhile Starbucks planner stood witness to how I asked. I asked John, I really did.

But more than that, I envy you because you're still capable of loving. First and last, that's something worth holding on to. I tried to hold on but then I slipped. The hurt pulled me down. The second, third, fourth chances was too much for my spirit to take.

I think I'm damaged.

At the back of my mind, I still want my happy ending. But I'm too scared to go out there and risk myself yet again. I still want my happy ending. But I'm too weak to pursue.


For the past couple of days, I've been going over old files, old letters, old mementos. Poring over some pictures, I noticed a yellow sheet with my name on top of it. It was my mom's writing. Her reply to my letter a couple of years before. I told her that in spite of everything I've gone through, I'd still give him another chance.

"Masakit para sa amin ang gagawin mo. Para bang hindi ko makaya o matanggap na makikipag-balikan ka pa sa kaniya."

I tried my best to brush aside the fact that I was hurting Nanay. I pushed on... and it was never worth it.


I guess it's just me coming to terms with who I've become. And yes Nanay, Darc is at it again. I'm giving away another chance... this time for myself. Hopefully, it will be worth it.


Salamat, Jepoy, John, at Moi.


  1. Lord, I know I have so much love to give. Please bring me that someone I could share life with and who would take me as I take him.

    We all have the love to give. The question is, who is that person who deserves all of it. :)

    You will find your one.

  2. i thought your blog's gone.

    breathed a sigh of relief when i saw an update. =)

    darc, you'll be okay. and you'll find the person who'll love you and make you happy.

  3. i'm so glad you're back. :c tanong mo pa si john, ang kulit ko sa comments page niya.

    anyway, re: this post, nakarelate lang ako. it's early in the morning (for me, at least) so forgive me if i'm a little verbose or if i abuse cliches).

    "I've changed. I now know sadness."

    believe it or not, this is actually good. at least alam mong buhay ka pa. it hurts, i know but the pain is only there to remind us that it's worth it in the end. otherwise, it wouldn't be worth pursuing.

    "At the back of my mind, I still want my happy ending."

    I hope you never give up searching for it. lahat naman tayo napapagod. lahat tayo na-dedepress. pero if u give up on love, pano nalang yan? what if it gives up on u din?

    "I think I'm damaged."

    that's also good kasi no one's perfect. mahanap mo lang yung feeling mong perfect na tao, spend at least 5 mins with him and you'll see something. haha listen to tlc's damaged. it's a love song ng someone na hindi na perfect. in this day and age, we are all broken. u just gotta find someone wo's as broken as you.

    but before anything else, start with loving yourself. kahit nakakatawa, iquo-quote ko si ate whitney. learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. :D

    seriously, glad you're back. akala ko wala ka na forever. mag-post ba naman ng closing time?

  4. I was wondering where your blog went and what happened to it. :-)

    Gosh, kami lang ba ni Galen ang hindi na marunong umiyak sa mga break-ups?! haha

    Alam mo, what a coincidence. Kanina habang naglilibot libot ako dito sa Iloilo ng 4am, i chanced upon a writing on an overpass - Love never says "I have done enough."

  5. the good thing about sadness, just what nyl said, is that it reinforces the fact that you are alive. and also it makes you realize and reflect kung ano na nagawa mo at kung sino ka talaga. the next thing you know, you are a stronger and better person. :) and good to know you're giving yourself a second chance.

    and that special someone will come... in time. it doesn't mean na it didn't work out before na it never will. darating din yan, enjoy yourself muna =)

    glad to see that you're back! you were missed :)

  6. and the darc lord resurrected. ;)

    @iurico: i believe it was from the blessed marie eugenie (overpass in front of assumption?)

  7. alam mo yung kantang Damaged ng TLC.. ala lang hehe. That's a nice song.

  8. @galen: thanks sir :) but i guess i'm done looking...

    @engel: sana nga :)

    @nyl: i've read nga, nahiya tuloy ako... fire off the cliches. appreciate you as always :) i really don't know if this reply is enough for your comment. i am touched, for real...

    @iurico: hmm, i guess i need to fall in love then... hehe

    @lee: aw. i am touched. :)

  9. and that's your "fault," calling me a murderer and all. hehe

    but seriously, thank you moi :)

  10. @dabo: yep. my heart's at a low but i'm not so much to manage... pa naman :)

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  12. lol, sorry travailer. my services have now been restored. click away! :)

  13. welcome back. it hought the this blogosphere lost another wonderful blog.


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  15. Good thing you came back. You’re writing was sorely missed.

    We, as bloggers, always find validation in our words. Despite the grim disposition of recent events, or the perceivably depressing state of one’s affairs, I find that verbalizing it in the voice of our prose, whoever seemingly mundane or overwhelmingly abysmal, affords us the capacity to grasp things from a different light. Sometimes brilliant, other times pallid, but always cognizant.

    Sadness only contemplates the impassibility of change. Although it is what we abhor most, the foil it creates provides a hope, and a wonderful counterpoint, to the possibility of success in the arduous realms. Because one cannot know happiness without tasting poignancy, success is futile without the contrast of defeat, and failure is as temporal as the conditions of our heart. Because you only fail once you stop persevering. Pain is inevitable, it is the curse of the human condition, to proverbially struggle with reality and our utopian notions of elation. Sadness, as much as happiness, is after all a state. Not a curse. Not a constant, but rather a translation of the perturbed twists that fate weaves our way.

    Serendipity comes in many forms, and sometimes the seemingly incurable melancholia of our circumstances bide us the opportunity to grow, mature even, evolve and reinvent how we experience life, and how we nurture love.

    Damaged but not broken. Soldiers of the vesper times, our scars are proud brands, evidences of our resilience. Because they create memories when life bears us down heavily, and prove much more than our physiology can expound on. Battle scars, true, and unique embers of our unending fire for triumph. Flickering, sublimating, once in a while waning, but ever more consuming when the right fuel ignites it anew.

    Everyone wants a happy ending. Moreso so that most fall morose when destiny denies us that opportunity. I pray that you do not fall into the trap I once fell into. Creating my own coffin in the ashes of a fallen affair. It took me over four years to fully comprehend the gravity of my hermetic nature. Recluse and abandoning, defeatist and jaded. That was back then. Wishing things were different, and fixating on a future that have expired from possibility.

    In love, nothing is sacred. The very prerequisite when you invest your emotions and affections is a vulnerability that comes with it. We give the person the right, and moving warrant, to inflict us pain, on their own discretion. Because we don’t fall half-heartedly, if it were it won’t be genuine. You have to jump into the chasms head on, completely abandoning yourself to it. But in the aftermath of it all, we are left with ourselves, scars for mementos, memories for reminders, and a boxful of emotions incomprehensible, irrational, irrepressible.

    Hold on to the memories, not as a viscous adhesion to the failed performance of our hearts, but to the possibility that it happened, and it can happen again. Our chapters don’t always end with happy endings, but who ever said the book was finished?

    Take what you can from the experience. Learn from it, empower yourself, and prepare. For the next chance you may get with love, it would much more moving, and you’d be better equipped. Not as a cynic defensively searching for flaws and signs of dissent, but as the learned man that you are. Able to read between the lines, and to craft your own version of a truly happy ending.

    Welcome back Darc Diarist.

  16. hugs back ternie. i'm humbled really...

    and red, i don't think i'm capable of coming up with a worthy response. again, i am humbled...

  17. u just made a fan happy today...

    i never realized na ganito ka tindi.. sana nakapag emo time tayo nung last.

  18. Akala ko nawala ka na ng tuluyan

  19. nyek, 'wag ka na nga john :)

    @ikotoki: hindi pa naman sir. btw, ano bang name talaga ang gagamitin ko? chihirya or ikotoki? lol

  20. Darc: Emman. Hahaha. lol hope that helps lol