I thought it was rather auspicious, the Friday rain. There's something about the sudden rush of coolness, how everything seems so clean after a downpour. I've had vivid memories, strong emotions attached to wet pavements and the stillness after. Sunshine struggles through gloom yet the transition is not abrupt. It is the same solace I felt back in highschool when I was up forty feet in the air, traversing a tightrope with a stranger. Up in the mountains, the wind rushing through, our harness - our lifeline - being held by strangers down below. I climbed the pole without hesitation, but when I was about to let go, just when I was about to slide through, my heart pounded. The first step, indeed was the most difficult to take.
Max Lucado wrote You Are Special. It's about small wooden people called Wemmicks carved by a woodworker named Eli. All they did was give each other stickers. The good ones got gold stars, the others got gray dots. One of the unfortunate ones who never got a gold sticker was Punchinello. He thought he was ugly... well everyone thought he was. Then one day he met Lucia, a Wemmick without a sticker. Punchinello asked her how come she didn't have any stickers. Lucia told him that she saw Eli everyday and that he too should go up the hill and meet him.
Punchinello did what he was told. At first he got scared of the hammers, the chisels, and the other tools that Eli used. His wood might get scratched. He might get broken. He thought of turning back... until he heard Eli call him. They talked. And then Punchinello asked, "Why don't the stickers stay on her?" Eli replied, "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."
That was my turning point.
The stickers only stick if you let them.
Saturday night I tossed my letter into the bonfire and watched the flames swallow my words.
I forgive you for hurting me.
I forgive you for reminding me of the pain.
I forgive you for dragging me down.
And as I let go of my stickers, I forgive you, Darc.
So many realizations, so many affirmations. Owning my story meant owning my pain. And the confusion fades with acceptance. That I'm meant to be where I am. That I'm supposed to meet you. And that everything happens for a reason.
That is my story. And it continues to unfold.
There's no reason not to love.
There's no reason not to risk.
I may be broken... but I am not defeated.