Now

Right at this very instance, I feel that everything's gonna be ok; that feeling of joy brewing inside your chest.

Blessed.

And I am just grateful.

I've sort of reclaimed myself. A week or two ago, I was watching Awkward and Jenna pleaded to Matty, "Please tell me what's wrong with me." That after being "hidden" by Matty, and Jake breaking up with her. It summed up how I felt about myself. Really, what's wrong with me?

But now, at this very instance, I know that I am great. God's made me to be awesome. And at the end of the day - and forgive me, I mean this without the slightest bit of bitterness - it's really not my loss.

:)

Living with HIV

In less than a week, two friends of friends died of lung failure, one of them I personally met. They fall under the at-risk demographic in the country: MSM, in their 20s and early 30s, professional.

I'd have to admit, I'm getting paranoid yet again. Although my recent encounters have been safe so far, I can't seem to dust off the idea that with how rampant HIV is right now, I too, with my anonymous casual trysts, am bound to have it. What I can't seem to come to terms with as well is the fact that these guys are supposed to be smart, they have jobs and they can therefore pay for rubber and lube. So the question is why? how?

Abstinence might just be the only foolproof way to avoid HIV or a monogamous relationship - sexual or otherwise - might do the trick. Reminds me of something I read somewhere: a relationship with no one means a relationship with everyone. Or that line from Lana Del Rey's Ride: "... I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone...."

But the thing is that I'm unattached. I'm not in a monogamous relationship. And I don't wanna be in one just so I can have sex and sleep soundly at night that I'm in no risk of HIV infection. In spite of my rather whorish ways, I can't reconcile the idea of a regular encounter with someone devoid of emotions or attachment... plus those who attempted to make a fubu out of me inevitably developed "feelings." So much for their warning not to fall in love with them. Lol. I'm just not fubu material, I think.

So we go back to finding a partner. And we go full circle. I don't want to look for one. If he comes, he comes. It's living life in open space, whoever comes is the right person; whenever it happens is the right time. But then what do I do while that moment is still in waiting? Be safe is still my best bet. Rubber and lube - at least I hope - will suffice.

Ride

I was in the winter of my life. And the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one, who once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet — but upon an unfortunate series of events, saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again — sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living — they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying — because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one — who belonged to everyone, who had nothing — who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about — and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people — and finally I did — on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore — except to make our lives a work of art.

Live fast. Die Young. Be Wild. And Have Fun.

I believe in the country America used to be. I believe in the person I want to become.

I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever —

I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself — I ride. I just ride.

Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?

Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?

I have.

I am fucking crazy. But I am free.

Transcript credit: http://aphrodites-whore.tumblr.com/

Amen

I immensely enjoyed Nelly Furtado's recent concert in Manila. Fronted by Gym Class Heroes, it was great soul food. She's been my hero since high school, waited a looooong time for her to come to Manila.

But my ultimate hero would have to be Paula Cole. From Me to Pearl to Be Somebody. Such glorious music. I have little hopes that she'd drop by the Philippines, but still I hope.

Her next album's Raven, indie as she's trying to race funds for the project via kickstarter. One of the packages involves a private concert at your house if you pitch in $10K or more. Hay, my mind's been daydreaming of having lots of money to get that experience. Imagine having Paula Cole in my house, playing music. I get all giddy just thinking about it.

But alas, I'm no billionaire, or even millionaire, or even a thousandillaire (haha, inventing words, I know! lol).

Someday soon, a Paula Cole gig in Boston or somewhere she might be touring.

Basta, someday!

No Other

Please don't judge me but this song makes me really happy. And I don't even understand a single word they're singing! Lol

Slipping By

It has come to this. I am bored. I have nothing to do.

I report to the office... late. I turn on my laptop, check mails, do some work, postpone some work... and then just surf. Mindless net surfing.

And then I find myself still sitting by my desk at this hour, pretending to be busy but really, I have nothing to do. Major sigh. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen, something interesting to wake me or just keep me, well, interested. I hate this and I hope this state passes soon. But then something in me says this is my default. The thing is I refuse to admit that what keeps me going is having "someone." Cliche but that song really rings true right now: "There I was an empty piece of a shell... Yes I've gone beyond existing."

That's it. I'm simply existing.

Anyway, boss has decided to close shop. For what it's worth, he's a really nice guy, beyond all those mindless things he gets himself into. Yes boss, I think you crave attention - don't kill me! - but I know that you deserve much more. I am a fan. And I'll be cheering you on, this side of the world, praying that you be well always and that you find peace and joy in your life. Mind you, I pray for joy, not happiness because that is fleeting. Just this morning, the meaning of your online name crossed my mind. And it's my sincerest desire that now that you've ended your online story, perhaps you can then let go of the sadness that your name brings. I know you liked that departure from what you claim is your rather ordinary name.

But boss, there's an end to being triste.

Know that your cheering squad here back home will never get tired of sending you a rah-rah!

And oh, the dole-outs! But then PHL is an Asian tiger na so baka Europe needs the money more. Lol

Recreational Buzz

Found myself googling poppers for a good hour! Needless to say I am intrigued and if I knew how to get one, I'd prolly be up on it already. I need to sleep this one down and let it slide. Otherwise, knowing how  "gutsy" and stubborn I can be, this might turn out to be a new hobby. Yikes.

I've had a lingering curiosity about E too. Been wanting to try one, even just a quarter of a tab. But after Oprah flashed hole-filled brains of E users, I thought twice... and thrice. The nagging's still there but my will remains strong. Thank God! I just talk my way out of it by reminding myself that smarts are all I got. I don't have the gorgeous face nor the banging body to fall back on... well at least not yet. Haha

Idleness indeed is the devil's workshop.

Rookie Sem

I used to imagine myself on the first day of classes, speaking in front of students, explaining to them the requirements of the course and what to expect for the semester. I really don't know if I fit the mold. I had a really weak voice, I tend to talk too fast and I'm prone to spaced out moments. But in spite of all those, in me was a real desire to teach. Come November 2010, an opportunity to realize that desire popped up. And so I stepped into the role... not knowing that it was way different from what I imagined.

First day of classes, I felt intimidated. I was like a poser, putting on a show while at the back of my mind, I deeply questioned my credibility to teach. Do these kids even believe half of what I'm saying? Or do they see me as just another kid forced unto them by the college for lack of instructors? And it didn't really help that I could pass off as one of their classmates: guards accosting me, searching for my ID or professors barging in on my class simply because they thought I was a student.

It was a recurring theme throughout the semester: self-doubt and trying to act nonchalantly about it.

But minus all those personal dramas, there were very rewarding moments in my rookie semester: those very real moments of silence that made me believe my students were actually listening to me (or so I thought! lol), the pleasant surprise of insightful comments during class, and reading papers that progressed from mere regurgitations to actual independent thought! Of course, reading students' comments on facebook and seeing my pictures taken by them were quite exhilirating... that is until they booted me out of their FB group and deleted those pictures with rather hilarious comments.

And that's another thing that added to my impostor side. I don't take myself seriously, how could I possibly expect these guys to take me seriously?! Glad the semester's over. Ang-hirap kaya mag-panggap.

Fast forward to March 4: done checking the final exams, currently encoding grades on my class sheet. I've said it a couple of times throughout the semester that I don't really care if some of them fail to graduate because of my class. My grading system was very transparent and it was all them. But that Friday, I was quite surprised with how I felt as I punched in the numbers and saw the changing figures in the spreadsheet's final column. I was rooting for everyone and praying, "Dear Lord, let it be 65 at the very least." Funny, but that's really how it went.

And I'm just relieved that I don't have to explain a failing grade to anyone. I leave my rookie semester with great moments in my memory bank and an army of graduates.

Thanks y'all!

- Old note re-posted from my "other" FB account, in honor of Teacher's Day :D

Sweet Nothing

How apt, living on such sweet nothing.

Me not being able to drop this equates to me being pathetic, right? I mean he's happy, living life with the people he's always wanted to. You can literally feel the sigh of relief now that he can pursue other things, and people, with you out of the way. And then I'm still here thinking through these things? Oh well, I just want to exhaust it 'til there's nothing left.

Wala naman pala masyadong nawala sa akin... kasi wala ka rin naman masyadong ibinigay.

But then again, Florence is just divine.

Second Look

Where am I now? Who am I now?

I've realized I'm a bore. At the very core of myself, there's no desire to go out and be at the center of things. I enjoy attention but I do not seek it. I'm very quiet and reserved. That's my default. I only take charge when no one else would or if it's an emergency. That's it: I take pride in being the go-to-guy. 

I'm very neat and organized, clinical even. I like process flows and seeing how things connect.

I'm very transparent. When I'm in an awkward situation or when I get excited about something, my eyes well up and I get goosebumps. I'm not a very good liar.

I'm naive. I readily believe people.

I don't think of myself as highly as other people do. Some people think I look good. Who I see is a scrawny nerd. Some people think I'm brilliant. Who I see is someone struggling to get that big break.

I'm sad. And again, that's my default. I don't find it alarming that I'm sad. It's just how I am. But then again... that's sad.

I'm insecure. My only consolation is that I still have untapped potential. Lol.

And when it comes to love, I'm not a go-getter. I prefer to be approached. I'm shy that way. Only problem is that I'm not hunky nor gorgeous, ergo I stand and wait... and wait... and wait. 

This was difficult to write. And my spinning head plus my pounding heart signals there's much more to be written but at this moment I cannot. I neither have the clarity nor the strength to dig deeper and write all of them down.

Difficult. 

The Mistress

Halfway house for the brokenhearted, that pretty much describes their home. And I've had my share of sleepovers and exchanges over dinner, with her cooking adobong pusit and a handful more dishes. She's the cool mom type with a terrible over-protectiveness on the side. Very tolerant yet never fails to remind us to be more careful with our hearts. She always says go... with caution. And did I mention that she competed for Binibining Pilipinas too? Not surprisingly she won Ms. Congeniality.

I met Tita's daughter in college and since then, I've become one of Tita's favorite wards, favorite simply because I can keep up with her daughter and side with her whenever she goes on a rant, of course with my friend as primary subject. Their home's a safe place, we can be whomever we want to be, say whatever we want to say. But Tita has a major pet peeve: respect. No holds barred as long as there is mutual respect. 

And Tita was a mistress. Her daughter, my friend, born out of an illicit affair. Ten years before they called it quits. Tita, now married to her childhood love, tells us: "Anak, I love your Tito pero I'm in love with my daughter's dad."

My friend's dad died this year. They never dropped by during the wake and never attempted to do the classic melodramatic mourning from a distance during the interment. A couple of month's ago, they made a trip up north to her lover's tomb. Friend was supposed to pay her last respects to her dad whom she knew personally up until she was probably seven years old. But friend tried her best to hold back her laughter. She thought she was the one who'll get emotional with the last goodbyes but then it was Tita who bawled her eyes out. 

Tita was the one who figured out that I "wanted" to be a housewife. She was also the one who propped me up when all my friends were against the relationships I was getting into. "Kung saan ka masaya, basta ingatan mo sarili mo." And when her story turned out to be my story, she sent out a strong message to my friends that "I told you so," shall never be said. With a raised voice she exclaimed, "Ganiyan na nga iyong nangyari sa kaibigan niyo sasabihan niyo pa ng kung anu-ano?!"

"Marami pa iyan anak, marami pang sakit na darating. Sa buhay natin, maraming taong aabusuhin ang kabutihan mo. They will take advantage. Pero pasasaan ba, sa lahat ng problema ang lagi kong sinasabi, lilipas din iyan."

Tita's up for surgery anytime this month, gallstones. And so it signaled the hiatus of awesome dinners at their place, unless of course she wields her magic over steamed fish and veggies. Yesterday I dropped by their place with two boxes of cream puffs - her request - on hand. Dinner plus some life matters convos, it was almost 11pm when I left. Sent them a message that I arrived home safe and friend replied with her usual sorority girl/legally blonde message, complete with xoxo mwahugs and what have you. We really wonder how she is in the courtroom. 

At the end of that message, she relayed, "Mama says ang-ganda ganda mo raw ngayon (yes friends, Tita thinks I'm pogi, the kind of guy you bring home to mom; but at the same time she has the sense to recognize that that mom's got a son and not a daughter)... and she's sad na mag-isa ka lang raw sa buhay."

I guess Tita really wants to see me coupled, with someone who'll take care of me and make me happy.  The message all the more felt from one mistress to another.

Notes on a Break-up Part 1

Sometimes I think that more than I, it's my friends who can't seem to move on. I mean, they ask me how I am, I say I'm ok, and then they raise up doubts with a quip of: "Really?" Well, I appreciate them checking on me but I'm not exactly untruthful. Post-break up, I was candid enough to acknowledge when I was sad and when I wasn't feeling ok. So I guess I thought it would follow that when I "declared" that I was getting better and that I was ok, they'd readily believe me. Guess again! Haha

Anyway, I've re-affirmed that nothing in this world really lasts. But the more pivotal realization is that, I'm ok with it. I've since learned to just let things be; stop making them happen, and just allow whatever comes my way to do just that: come my way.

So how am I right now?

Hmmm, I'm ok. Quite happy with where I am although of course there are moments when you remember. Memories are tricky, for sure you know that. There are times when I spend a whole day in a place where memories were made and remember that those memories existed only when I'm about to leave them. That's good right? You remember but your memories don't haunt you.

I'm excited with what else - or for that matter, who else - will drop by my life. It is in the rebuilding that you get to reinvent yourself but more than that, it is in the rebuilding that you get to re-affirm what makes you you. They say that money or a stressful situation don't really change a person's character, they merely amplify what's already there. And for me, what's there is a nice person. Yes friends, I may be a bore but I am nice. Lol.

... and that's why I'm veering away from having fubus and all that jazz (and this is a different post altogether); they end up falling in love with me. Haha. Hay Darc, the confidence... the nerd! Haha

;)

Backpacking

Blind

Our return trip was from the province's main port, about 30 minutes from the beach: was dropped off by our awesome driver, went inside, confirmed tickets, paid the terminal fee, and headed toward the boarding area. Cinematic -and maybe this is just me romanticizing - at the very instance I stepped onto the boarding area, three gents started strumming their guitars. I quickly recognized the familiar tune but had to wait for them to start singing just to confirm. I mean, really, this song, to see me away from this trip?!

A couple of bars and then the rightmost guy started singing. And yep, I was right. They sang Who Am I and I got really teary eyed as I stood from the sides watching. I was kinda conscious. I mean a kid crying at the port's boarding area a handful of Koreans, Caucasians, and what have you packed together with the locals... I didn't really mind the fours lesbians I took this trip with. At worst they'd find it mildly cute; after all, all four of them took me as their own kid early on the weekend by virtue of our age difference.

After that Casting Crowns song, they then took on Hillsong and did One Way Jesus. It was a fun song so I initially thought that I've saved myself from fighting back my tears. But when they sang that line with so much gusto and fervor, I decided that the lack of sleep was a convenient excuse for my eyes welling up.

"We live by faith and not by sight...."

Three blind men, singing that. Striking. The song was at its most literal yet still it was metaphorical. And that something which I cannot put a finger on had a guttural tug in me.

They were already singing pop tunes - they even sang You Don't Know You're Beautiful by 1D! - when we passed by them as we moved toward the gate. I quickly crumpled a hundred peso bill and dropped it in their donation box before sinking slowly into a nearby chair. Thinking about it now, that hundred peso bill is nothing compared to the inspiration they bring.

So do me favor friends, if and when you pass by Tagbilaran City's port, please drop a couple of hundred more for these three fine men. I'd be more than happy to reimburse! They see more than most people - at least more than I - and they're more than gracious to share this gift of sight. The tears in my eyes simply echo the warm cheering of my heart.

Cheated

Grabe po ang lungkot at pagkadismaya na nadama ko sa ginawa ni Senador Sotto. Parang buong pagkatao ko ang nainsulto, ang trabaho at ang dignidad na ikinakabit ko sa aking trabaho.

Para sa mga kaibigang nakakaalam ng trabaho ko, sana maunawaan niyo kung gaano nakakasuka na may isang mambabatas at mga manunulat nito na magnanakaw ng ideya ng ibang tao at walang habas na sasabihing ayos lang iyan. Wala na ngang mga utak, arogante pa.

Ang pasasalamat ko na lang sa mga pangyayaring ito ay muli, ako ay naiyak. Tito Sotto, ang kawalang-hiyaan mo lang pala ang makakapagpaiyak sa akin. Salamat. At kaakibat ng pasasalamat ko ang taimtim na hiling na nawa'y kamuhian ka, sampu ng mga manunulat at mananaliksik mo, ng sambayanang maulit na ninyong kinutsa at minaliit ang talino.

Mga hambog. Mamatay na kayo!

Christmas U

It's Christmas! I love!

I remember the calm come November 'til February. How the fire trees shed their leaves and carpet the pavement across FC to the Engineering Building. Or how white lanterns glow up as people rush out of St. Raymond's by 6:30. Or how I sat at the outskirts of the football field with this blogger kid while we ogled at the football and track varsity teams.

Good times.

I can't wait for this year's!

O True Blood

First time I came across Sookie Stackhouse was when a colleague requested for a then hard-to-find installment of the series for the office Christmas exchange gift. Soon after, HBO came up with the True Blood series. I wasn't really interested... until a couple of Saturday's ago, and it was already on its fifth season! So it has become a weekend ritual, two episodes every Saturday night, the first unfortunately being a rerun of the second episode of the previous weekend. Anyway, I like the series' OBB - no matter how twisted it seems what with maggots eating out a wolf or something. And just this Saturday, the closing song reminded me of Shawn Colvin's Get Out of This House.

"You act like a baby, you talk like a fool.

Get out of this house...."

In other news, someone buzzed me Saturday at around 1am saying that he's at O-Bar Ortigas. And since it's just 20 minutes from our place, of course I obliged. Lol. Same old same old. But I have to admit, it's fun getting tipsy in a bar. At one point, I had to get out, grab a Gatorade and just sit. still. on the pavement.

And now doing a 180, on my way to work, this song popped in my head. I think I was in third grade, one of those masses celebrated every week in school. I was with a bunch of kids doing an action-dance of sorts to that song. Until now, I still know the words. Lol. And that my friends was my "holy" entertainer debut. Haha

Suicide Thoughts

Came across some stuff online about my ex wanting to google my place of work and drink some concoction that will make his mouth froth... and die. Scared I am.

In other news, I've come to the conclusion that I'm most comfortable being the one left behind. I mean it's always been like that and I'm getting comfortable being dumped after quite some time. Lol. What's wrong with me? I'm gullible and naive, that's what. But hey, it's all good.

And in still other news, I am so domesticated. One of my friends' moms asked me what I enjoy doing and if I had an ideal job, what would it be. Told her that I feel calm when I wash the dishes or clean the house or cook. I'd pass off as a great housekeeping staff! Hehe. And then she blurted out, "Hay anak, you want to be a housewife." Lol.

And finally, this one's for YOU! ;)

Whoa uh oh oh whoah uh oh oh... we don't even have to try, it's always a good time! :D

Busy Bug

Nanay thought that it would help so she gave me a copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" a couple of days after my ex dumped me. Breezed through it and surprise surprise, I made the major mistake of getting back with my ex. Christ-like love was what the book was about and I erroneously thought that it meant sticking it out even if he already chose some other guy over me. But that aside - and I've learned since that you have to take care of yourself first so that you could do more good - one of the lessons I've kept from that book is the notion of time, of giving it, of investing it.

Simply put, "being there with you in 'spirit'" is a major fallacy. When you say you love someone, you make them feel important, and that importance is felt only by giving them your time. Lip service = a major no no. Notice the age old family rant of parents being good providers but not being able to spend time with their kids? There you go. It's about walking the talk, of putting your money where your mouth is, and some other cliche about meaning what you say.

Oh and speaking of cliches, actions speak louder than words. Haha

Busy not to attend to you but able to do other things. Yeah right, busy. It's really a matter of choice. And again, you were the lesser - sometimes least - priority.

Tadah!

Bitterness Extreme

Perhaps it veils bitterness, but you get to see what's cheap and turn away from that. And yes sweetie, a text message is cheap. Talk is cheap, what more your messages? And as Warren Buffet apparently said, honesty is expensive, you can't expect it from cheap people. All talk plus a life founded on lies. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what you are. Such a laughable attempt to make amends. Cheap.

.

.

.

And me writing this down makes me no different. But I purge this thought to coax the bitterness out of me. I do not deserve this that's why I move on.

The Pride of Pain

Getting hurt is a wonderful experience.

When you've hit rock-bottom, you got no way but up. And in that slow ascend, you get to touch base with how it is to be human. You get to understand other people's experiences as seen not just through pain but through the shared struggle of rising up and fighting back. That's when you learn compassion and that's when you learn what victory really is. That type of winning that comes from outside yourself... the blessing of being free.

Suddenly, you got your game face back on again. You say to yourself - and this time with dogged conviction - that you can throw things my way, make a fool out of me, drag me into your life's messes, manipulate, and prey on me but come final accounting, I'm the one who can look you in the eye and say, I am capable of giving... I can give more.

And in that state of grace, you rediscover your worth. You gain perspective and strip yourself off of the petty things that weigh you down. And you. do not. stop.

"Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter

Here comes a fighter

That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

This one's a fighter."

- The Fighter, Gym Class Heroes/Ryan Tedder

An Almost Epic Fail

Meeting new people in work has been a staple. For the past 4 years or so, I've found myself setting appointments with people referred by referrals. Just recently, this executive of a local conglomerate hosted a meeting and I actually felt quite comfortable with him. Perhaps it's because of him being soft-spoken or the fact that he removed his shoes as soon as he sat down - something I typically do in the office - that made me see myself in him. It was classic mirroring and there was a tug in me that said, "Darc, behold your future!" And so I automatically assumed that he's gay. In fact, I told myself that I'd try to be chummy with him when we meet for the second time.

Then came the second time.

I told a friend about this mirrored self and asked him to look him up over Facebook just to test the veracity of my claim. He looked Mr. Executive up, checked, and replied back with a text message that said: "He's married with a kid." Shortly after that message, one of those we were meeting with pointed to Mr. Executive's laptop and asked, "Whose kid is that?" Mr. Executive replied, "Mine, she's two and a half already. Makulit na nga."

At that point I realized, I almost did a major faux pas. I can't imagine the embarrassment have I tried being chummy with Mr. Executive on the premise that he too is gay. But then, married gay men are a dime a dozen these days, right? But still, I never had the right to trespass that private matter. Anyway, all I could think of after was how happy my Nanay would be as soon as I tell her this episode. Yes, she's still hoping that I'd be married one day, have kids and all that jazz. Her knowing that I saw myself in someone married with a kid would surely feed "those" thoughts... again. Hmmm, getting married and having kids.... hmmm....

NOT.

Barely Breathing

Literally.

I was alone at home, pacing back and forth and no matter how hard I tried, my lungs didn't seem to be opening up. The cough that's been keeping me down for a week or so was slowly clearing up but still there were times when I found it difficult to breathe. The doctor prescribed an inhaler while my breath tests weren't through. Two turns and then inhale. No more than 4 times in a given day. But that night, I had my quota of 4 in less than two hours. I wanted to pop an extra but was too scared that the steroids might actually do more harm than good.

My head was buzzing just as my palms were tingling. You know that feeling when blood suddenly rushes to a body part's that been cut off from circulation? But then I wasn't turning blue so I thought I was still ok. Deep breathing, I told myself. I tried but then to no avail. Rushing myself to the hospital crossed my mind a few times, nope, make that several times, every ten minutes or so. But then maybe this was just me being a sissy.

And then it hit me, I was alone at home. I didn't want to sleep because I feared not waking up. Nobody was at home to wake me up if I stopped breathing altogether. Nobody was there to look out for me. But when I was too tired to care, 4am signalled a halt. Never mind, I'll be ok.

Gullible

I wired money to a guy I met online, never met in person, never talked to in person.

Said he was a Balikbayan having a vacation alone somewhere South. He went out to shop and lost his wallet to a pickpocket. Ergo, he doesn't have money to go back to the airport. He asked if I could loan him money for fare and a few meals. Being the gullible guy that I am, I obliged and dropped some cash via Western Union. And of course, after claiming the money, his messages were nowhere to be found.

I knew I was being duped but I played along anyway.

Oh well that's me.

Fully aware of being scammed yet doing it anyway.

Fully aware of being shortchanged yet enduring it anyway.

After Office Stuff

I can't live without dental floss. And it's really funny when you learn that you're out of it. You pull out the floss and then surprise, you get around just 30cm! I get really anxious if I do not floss so when that happened a couple of nights ago, I quickly grabbed my wallet and headed to the nearest convenience store.

"Punta ako 7/11," I told everyone who at that time was comfortably slumped in front of the tube.

Then Tatay turned to me, looked at me, and as if startled, blurted out: "Nakasando ka lang?!"

I don't know what made him ask that, nope, made him state that. But as every son will rightfully do, I replied... "Bakit? Ma-rerape ba ako sa labas?!"

That and my Nanay getting really fond of calling everyone "Teh" to the point that I even heard her say "Teh, paabot nga ng salamin ko." Nope, she wasn't talking to me. She was talking to Tatay.

And that my friends is how we are at home ;)

Stranded

Typhoon, the beach, and I = a perfect combination.

And when I was just too tired to care, I just allowed the winds to blow through, the water to seep in, and sleep inside a flooded tent. It was cold, it was dark, but it was fun. Yes it was fun :)

The Darc Knight Rises

Coming back, moving on.

Learning from Alfred that the reason for your wallowing really chose someone else.

Getting your back broken.

Building yourself up again.

Getting out of a hell hole.

Because fear inspires you to take that big leap out.

Fear. I remember telling someone soon after that I was scared.

"Scared of what?" he asked.

I really didn't know. All I know was that I was scared.

Perhaps because I can't cry? I didn't know how to cry.

And then Ms. Kyle says, "You don't owe these people anymore."

The Dark Knight says he hasn't given his all.

But what if you already did?

Cheap love is when it's all talk.

Talk is cheap right?

And then there's Bane who speaks of hope as instrumental to despair.

So who gave you that glimmer of hope that put you now in despair?

Kill all hope. Or then again, let it die a natural death.

Natural death.

He promised Utopia. He was a messiah.

Because this time, you can claim what's rightfully yours.

In his mind he was a good guy.

But then again talk is cheap.

Cheap love.

Have you ever had a Bane in your life?

Haberdey!

Entropy Redux

Decay is natural and things inevitably mess up. Same goes with ill feelings: they are difficult to purge for they seem natural. And so we endeavor to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Sadness and hurt will pull you down many times. But then we fight to keep things together. We defy the bad to return to what's good. And goodness starts with forgiveness. It will be difficult but it must be done... a many times until decay surrenders. I am tired. But it must be done... a many times until decay surrenders.

End

Friend I can't imagine your pain. I know no words can comfort you at this time... but then again I simply don't have words for I do not understand. All I can offer is to share in your pain, to be there when you need a listening ear. I can't wrap my head around what you're going through. All I know is that to grieve is your right... and that all emotions must be felt without having to worry about other people's judgment. I hold no judgment, you are safe with me, with us. I am happy that he chose to stand up for you, to stand by you in spite of your circumstance, despite his friends. That is an awesome testament of his love that not everyone can give. He gave to the very end, the best he can... for you.

Written in the Stars

"You were right. It is all that I have left of her. All my feelings and love for Andrea were in my heart-" he rubbed his eyes-"and hate kills the heart. Even broken ones."

- Richard Paul Evans, Timepiece

I forgive you for making me feel dispensable.
I forgive you for making me compete for your attention.
I forgive you for getting tired, for giving up, for not exerting effort to make up.
I forgive you for making me feel the least of your priorities.
I forgive you for fizzling out in the end.
I forgive you for dragging me into your life's mess.
I forgive you for having me just when you feel like it or whenever it's convenient to you.
I forgive you for planting in me little seeds of hope.
I forgive you for making me sad, for making me feel left out, for making me feel just one of them boys.
I forgive you for taking me then leaving me because you realized I deserve the best and you chose not to be the best.
I forgive you for your broken words, in the end I really was the meantime boy.
I forgive you for your conflicted nature, for knowing what to do yet doing nothing.
I forgive you for your truth and for feeling helpless about it.
I forgive you.

"You must forgive him if you are ever to be free of him. We are chained to that which we do not forgive."

- Richard Paul Evans, The Locket

I told Mark that I'm having a hard time trying to be happy for you. He told me, it's totally fine; it's not my obligation. But he assured me that there will come a time when I'll be genuinely happy for you and that I should wish you well because that's what I would want to wish for myself... to be well.

"I know I'm perfect and not without sin. But now that I'm older, all childish things end and tell Him, tell Him I need Him, tell Him I love him... it will be alright..."

Know that I pray for your happiness. I trust His hand in all these. I myself realized that I won't want to have you broken. I'd rather see you happy, in joy. Life will go on for me. Know that I am ok. I wanted you to feel guilty and see me suffer, for you to own the pain you've caused me. But that's petty and immature. Be free of guilt. I am strong... and if I find that I am not, I will try.

"The words enraged MaryAnne.
'So much to have lost. Everything I held dear is now only a memory.'
'Memories are what we trade our mortality for. What I would do for just memories.'
'Even when they bring such pain?'
Fresh tears fell down MaryAnne's cheek, but the woman only glared at her. Her hard countenance revealed no sympathy. 'There are things worse than pain.'"

- Richard Paul Evans, The Letter

Own

If God wills that I see through this pain and sadness to forever, then by His grace I will endure it. And I can be at peace with myself knowing that I've been nothing but good to you. I loved you fully without second thoughts or reservations. Iningatan kita. I might have been shortchanged, I might have been a mere accessory, there might have been another guy for all I know, pero ok lang. I can hold my head high knowing that I can and did give... in spite of. And even just for that, I am proud, proud that I've been good to you and who knows, that I still am an even better catch. But then A says it's really not about "me" for I've done my part, gave everything I could possibly give. It's about having someone who'd stick by you, someone who won't run at the slightest flick of inconvenience.

Pascal said, "the heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." My heart still wrings with why, why everything happened and ended and why everything seems so easy for you and so difficult for me. M says you still want to go on a lot of adventures but somehow thinks of me before diving into them. I don't want to restrain you even if that means I could never be in your life... come to think of it, I've never really been a part of your life. So go ahead, be free to take on the world and what you wish to make out of it... free of I and the baggage that having me entails. I wrestle with the need to understand but I guess that's really not important. Owning my story, His story, would suffice.

This.

Why So Expensive?

I can't afford culinary school :(

Me on TV?

My first job was with government: contract work, low-paying, no benefits. But in that more or less year and a half stint, I was able to expose myself to a host of learning opportunities. The office was kind, that way. My boss even recruited me into a program sponsored by a think-tank in Hawaii wherein they gather "up-and-coming" analysts the world over to well, analyze things. Lol.

Yeah, I was "up-and-coming" and I was a "young leader." My only beef was that I didn't want to be one. There was something about analyzing things and talking about them that just didn't cut it for me. Being an armchair analyst was frustrating. All recommendatory, nothing much done.

And so I decided to shift gears and that's how I ended up where I'm at.

Last week, I was surfing channels when I came across Al Jazeera and thought I saw a familiar face. Here was a Taiwanese guy talking about their elections and the overall security environment in the region especially vis-a-vis China. That familiar guy, could it be Rocky? It might be Rocky or I could be wrong. I mean, the guy's over a cable news channel, taken in as an expert! Seriously, it can't be him... but then again, he's talking Taiwan stuff and that square jaw, sleeked back hair and barely there glasses are all too familiar!

I waited for about ten more minutes, listening in, trying hard to find clues as to this guy's identity and then there it was: "As Rocky mentioned...." One of the other guests referenced him. Yep, it was him alright.

I'm not one to live in regrets and much as I still haven't doused that nagging I-could-be-great-but-why-am-I-stuck-here feeling, I'm finally feeling my inner self settle. But then again, I wonder how it feels rambling over cable news... international superstardom anyone? Lol

Give Me Bags!!!

WHEN: 15 January 2012, Sunday
TIME: 9:00 am to 2:00 pm
WHERE: Sunken Garden, UP Diliman

1. Friends, please rummage your closets for old bags. I'm sure you have some to spare.

2. I'm also sure you received bags and office supplies as corporate giveaways last Christmas. This is a great way to re-gift!

3. And think of how many pads of paper or notebooks a hundred pesos can buy. Just a hundred pesos friends! Or even fifty or even twenty!

Let's pitch in whatever we can. Please, please, pretty please!

SENDong Kids Back to School!

iExist

The nightmare of valid IDs has haunted me for quite a while already. For the longest time, I relied on my school ID and from time to time, my passport. Needless to say, a lot of transactions require you to present at least two government-issued IDs and so when my passport expired, I resolved to get as many IDs as I could possibly get.

Right before the year ended, I went on a mini-ID spree.

First stop was passport renewal. Toiletots has a more detailed account - complete with DFA links and whatnot - on this so better to just read him up. But I totally agree with him that the DFA did great on this one. My sked was 8:00 am and they require people to be there at least 30 minutes before. I got to the DFA Aseana Office at around 7:15 am and they opened counters at around 7:20 am! I was done by 8:10 am considering that there were probably about a hundred or so people before me. What's best, I think, is that everything's so transparent and streamlined. No red tape at all here. It was really awesome.

Next, I headed to the SSS for an ID. Sadly, they just had one counter processing ALL transactions and needless to say, waiting time was long and tedious. I visited a field office, by the way. For an SSS ID, just fill out the form online, print it and have it processed in a branch with image capture facility. First time applications are free of charge and they'll mail your ID to the address you noted.

Incidentally, when I was on my home, I passed by an LTO field office. And so I decided to apply for a student permit. Yes, at age 27, I still don't know how to drive. Lol. Process is again quite easy: fill out the form, have it processed, wait for them to call you for image and signature capture, wait for them to call you to the cashier for payment and again, wait for your name to be called in the releasing section. (Funny thing about this is that in the afternoon, I got a text message from an unknown number. The message said hi and I replied back, who's this? The reply said, she's the girl who released my SP. I asked, SP? Apparently, that's Student Permit. Cringe! A girl took my number!!! But all that vomit-inducing feeling washed away when she finally made mention of her being an agent of USANA. So there, all's well! Buti na lang kasi when I saw her making in LTO, the first thing that crossed my mind was: wow, matangkad and payat, pwedeng mag-pageant... sana lang maganda! Lol.)

Prior to this ID-field day, I had a postal ID processed. Ask your neighborhood postman about this. He'll gladly process everything for you... of course for a fee, which to my mind is worth all the hassle! I remember just giving three 2x2 ID pictures and P450 for all the fees - postal, notarial, etc. The postman delivered the ID after a day or two!

My only concern right now is my TIN card. Apparently, my records are not yet updated. I first secured my TIN ages ago when I first applied for a student permit to drive and the BIR issues TIN cards only to those employed or already paying taxes. After the office updates my records, I'd probably have to go back to the BIR field office near our place. But again, the process is very simple: you approach a counter, present an ID with your TIN stated in it and they'll print you a card.

So far that's that. I'm just waiting for everything to be delivered: my passport to the office and my SSS ID to our home address.

And yey for getting through this post. Hope it didn't bore you to death. Lol

:p